Evangelization (2 of 2)

[Cont. from yesterpost...]

Suddenly a woman emerges from the darkness of the hallway. She enters the room and sez: “What’s all the racket?”

Crispus and TershyRad stop momentarily to gaze upon this visitor. There is lengthy silence, which the salesman TershyRad finally breaks to say: 

“Where did you come from?”

The woman takes a breath in order to answer, but TershyRad the salesman resumes talking before she can say a word:

“Wait, I think I know what’s going on here. You’re this fellow’s mistress, and you were sleeping in the bedroom down the hall. But you were awakened by the sound of our fighting. And you didn’t bother to don your robe, because you just assumed it was only you and your suitor here in the house — you probably assumed that he was wrestling with some local wildlife that had broken into the front room, like a racoon or fawn — you didn’t know that I was here. My name is TershyRad, by the way; I’m a traveling salesman.” He holds out his hand for the woman to kiss. “That’s my guess. Am I warm?”

The woman presses her lips to his hand and declares: “As warm as the bloodedness of a coldhearted snake. My name is Eve; pleased to meet you. We were just filming a scene in the green-room down the hall — the film crew and I. We’re adapting the biblical book of Genesis into a movie. We’re just coming up to Chapter 3, verse 21, where it sez ‘Jehovah God made coats of skins for the humans and clothed them.’ That’s why my body’s still aglow. The skins will be applied in the next shot, which we’re filming after lunch. They offered me a robe, but I’m used to walking around like this — we’ve been shooting for the last couple hours, and it seems silly to cover up; it’s stuffy in here. And this fellow, whom you’re apparently attempting to annihilate,” (she motions toward Crispin) “—he rented the back two rooms of his house to our movie crew. He’s not my swain; I barely know him. He understands what we’re up to: he signed the contract. His only concern was that we weren’t shooting a so-called ‘adult film’. We said ‘How could it be? It’s the Bible!’ And yet, truth be told, a fair amount of the holy scriptures are indeed indecent; but, since only an infidel would admit as much, we’re in the clear. And my husband is an actor as well, and he’s playing the role of Jehovah; so we can legally perform all the carnal acts on camera, during the scene when Cain is conceived.”

“Wait,” sez TershyRad, “so the same actor is playing both Adam and God?”

Eve ponders for a moment, then she replies: “We could have done it that way — that’s a good idea, cuz the text does say that Jehovah made Males and Females in his own image; so that could work. We could even have let one actor do a triple role and play the first Woman as well as the Man and Jehovah; but we have separate professionals playing each character.”

“But,” sez TershyRad, “the reason I asked is that you seemed to imply that Jehovah will perform the love scene with you, when the first human being is created via the process of fleshly fornication — yet, shouldn’t you be doing the deed with whoever’s playing Adam?”

(In case you’re wondering why Crispin is silent throughout this dialogue instead of trying to attack me, it’s because immediately after Eve showed up, that large landscape painting that I mentioned — the one with the rolling hills and grazing goats, which had tilted and was precariously swaying — fell off its hook and landed on Crispin’s head, knocking him out.)

“Ah, I see what you’re saying now,” sez Eve; “sorry, I misunderstood. No, we’re making a strictly literal adaptation: we’re sticking faithfully to the letter of the scripture. And when Cain is born, the first Woman holds up the babe and declares distinctly: ‘I have gotten a man from Jehovah.’ It’s true that the Woman does bed the first Male Human as well; for it sez, in the same verse (4:1) ‘Adam knew Eve his wife’ — so I will have an intimate scene with the actor playing Man, as well — don’t tell your enemy there, when he wakes up,” (she nods again toward Crispin,) “—but the conception of Cain’s brother Abel is more ambiguous; it could be Adam’s biological offspring, and that’s how we’re going to film it (the dynamics between the brothers seem thereby more interesting); but, again, both conceptions may have been ‘immaculate’, so to speak. Who knows which one of the two rivals’ seed reached the egg? I’m not sure how accurate the paternity tests were, in the garden of Eden.”

Eve now glances at the place on her forearm where a wristwatch might exist if she had been clothed. “I better be going,” she sez “—they gave us a five minute break from shooting, while the hair stylists fix up the fur on the LORD God costume, and I don’t know how much time has passed. — Nice to meet you!” she winks.

“Likewise,” sez the salesman, somewhat starstruck. Then, before the woman disappears back into the darkness of the hallway, TershyRad sez: “Wait! one last question…”

Eve turns around, yet again spellbinding the studio audience with her nudity.

TershyRad stammers: “Were you really christened Eve? Originally, I mean — that’s not just a stage-name…?”

Eve smiles: “Yes, that’s actually what I chose to call myself, after I was fashioned.” 

“But don’t you find that a little strange, to be playing a fictional role whose character happens to share your true identity, even down to this detail of nomenclature?”

“But the Bible is not a work of fiction; so it makes perfect sense that we are billed as ourselves in the credits — I mean, when the scroll that is superimposed at the end of the episode declares who acted what role, for instance: ‘Adam as himself… Eve as herself… The Trinity of Cinnamon-Dove-and-Eyeshadow as the Holy Ghost… Wolfman as the LORD God… etc.’ It’s totally normal for a player to be named the same as whoever she’s playing. Also: look who’s talking! You said your name is Emmanuel Radnitzky? And you play the role of Man Ray, in this reality? Jeez, you could easily pass as Adam, since that name is the same word as ‘Man’ in the original language of the scriptures. Would you like me to talk to the director and see if I could get the jerk who’s currently playing Adam to be furloughed? That way, you and I could have a love scene…”

“No, no, TershyRad is short for Tertius Radnitsky. Emmanuel means ‘God is with us.’ I am the Devil: the amanuensis of Paul the Apostle — see his Epistle to the Romans (16:22) ‘I Tertius, who wrote this letter, salute you.’ But I will gladly play the Shining One, the Nachash, who cleanses the doors of perception and opens your eyes so that you grow cognizant of your inherent divinity.”

Eve smiles brighter: “OK, let me go have a talk with the director — follow me!”

(You might have already guessed this by now, gentle reader, but, in order to clarify the shift from “they” to “we” in the following conclusion, I need to break the news that I AM TershyRad.)

So we enter the darkness of the hallway together, and then find ourselves in a room that seems to contain a radiant paradise — it resembles in every detail that large landscape painting that fell on Crispin’s head. Eve introduces me to the director, who decides on the spot that I am perfect for the part. So we spend the rest of the evening filming scenes of tantalizing seduction and intrigue. It’s a pleasant project; and when it’s finally finished and edited, once it gets released in theaters, it breaks all the sales-records at the box office. Eve introduces me to her mothers Lilith and Mary, and the whole trio ends up joining me in matrimony. They do not even bother to divorce the LORD; for he and I get along. 

And that scoundrel Crispin (the one whom I was trying to preach my gospel to, in the beginning) is so unimportant that it’s not even worth me telling you what became of him. I only mention his name again, here at the end, to emphasize that my omission of his fate is intentional.