English History

History was always my favorite subject in school, because it is wonderful. History is neither small nor dull. And English History is the best. Even United Statesians must agree, however begrudgingly, that English History is good, cuz the USA’s native tongue is English. 

You could master the subject yourself, by simply picking up one book; but I’ll do you a favor and explain everything you need to know about English History in this here podcast. That way, instead of having to take an unpaid leave of absence from your job in order to engage in scholarship, you can save both time and money by continuing to labor at a reduced pace while you sorta half-listen.

Now let’s dive into some English History. The first and most important thing you need to know is that England is ruled by the Royal Family. Unlike the U.S., which has a system where the People are allowed to vote for Representatives who answer only to the King and Queen of England, England itself has a superior system that cuts out all the middle-men: they’re ruled by the King and Queen directly. And this Royal Family is impressive. They’re all intelligent, attractive, and moral. The Prince is next in line, after the King. Then, underneath that, there are household servants, who are all upstanding individuals, eager to help. 

When you hear the term “Socialism”, think of big stony castles; and try not to fall in the moat, because alligators are floating around in there, and they’re entirely hairless. Catapults are flinging rocks over the parapets, and if you try to scale the wall of this castle, the guards at the top will pour buckets of lava on you. 

(Don’t attack the castle. Put down your battering ram.)

Alright, so Henry 8 and Queen Eliz: they are what is known as the Tudor children. They ruled efficiently, even if their subjects privately referred to them as mouth-foaming mongrels. 

Henry 8 was interesting. He would berate his wives casually, because he was not allowed to divorce them. 

“Wait a minute,” you say: “Who in the world is more powerful than the King of England? Therefore, how could anyone have the power to deny Mr. 8 affordable access to this sacrament? For divorce is the holiest blessing that God has to offer, and it doesn’t seem right that a king would be compelled to remain in love, while regular people like movie stars in Hollywood can tie the knot and pay Gordius to cut it. Could it be that King Henry 8 is at war with Phrygia, or that he lost the Future Ruler of Asia’s telephone number?” 

I answer you: Yes, he did lose the number for the Future Ruler of Asia; that is correct. That’s why the Church allowed its God to pop out and say “Follow me, Henry 8.” But then old Henry closed the roof on the fellow’s tail and trapped him there — and that God was squealin’, lemme tell ya! 

So King Henry 8 got two new wives, and thenceforward all the State-Approved Chronicles established that the Official Church does not exist any longer because its God was found dead or missing.

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Now that we’ve finished mastering all of English History, would you like to take a break and play a game? Alright, here are the rules: I’ll pretend that I’m sick on my deathbed, while you pretend that you’re physically debilitated.