I think I heard the doorbell again. It looks like we have more trick-or-treaters.
Kids, let me give you a safety tip. When you are out streetwalking from door to door, avoid the temptation to consume any of the profits that your company has generated. Save it for later: Wait until you return back home; then, before you start to eat your candy, allow your mom, or one of the guardians at your foster care center, to check your candy and make sure it has not been tampered with. For the adult males of the world like to play sinister pranks: their idea of fun is to lure a serpent to poison an apple; then cause a sinless child to eat this treat, so that they surely die. This fruit also could have been soaked in brandywine: one cannot know until one has taken a few bites and swallowed, then observed the aftereffects.
To carry your treats, use a pillowcase or a parachute — either item works fine: your choice of one over the other depends solely on your level of ambition. Know yourself. Understand your limitations. Be aware of your tendencies toward each of the separate vices, and avoid temptation.
If parents accompany their children thru the streets on Halloween for the sake of safer travels, then they (the parents) should remain politely distant from each house’s door when their children ring the bell, so as to signify that they (the parents) are only observing the proceedings and NOT officially participating in this ritual.
And, if each house would position a television so that it is visible to those outside, and display erotic movies on the screen, then the parents could get a treat too — at least the fathers would appreciate this.
Now, if young children happen to glimpse the imagery on TV in the setup above, and they ask their parents the dreaded question: “What have I witnessed?” the best course is to answer truthfully and make no fuss about it — for instance, offer your child the following explanation: “What you see at the center of the screen is a part of the female anatomy, and the other thing there is some sort of stimulating mechanism.” (Trust me: Before you can even finish your speech; the kids will grow bored and race on over to the next house.)
But if goblins happen to climb up the leg of your trousers, call an ambulance immediately. Do not wait around for the situation to resolve itself. Attacks like this only tend to worsen, if left unaddressed.
Not everything about this holy day is 100% ugly, tho; Halloween also has aspects that are adorable, such as the tradition of bobbing for sustenance, wherein various deep-fried health-foods are dipped in caramel and then allowed to sink to the bottom of a watering trough.
But now we’ve finally reached the end of this essay, so I better hurry up and tell you what my friends and I are going to dress like next year:
I’m planning on being a can of Snapple.
Mammon tells me that he’ll go as The American Religion.
Belial’s costume looks like a slim-fit tampon.
Mulciber plans to douse himself in fake blood, crud, mud, dust, and guts.
Beelzebub shall be a black cat.
Phil and Don Everly will spruce up their wheelbarrow so that it looks like a bathtub (with lots of bubbles) and pretend to be cowboys.
Adam will wear his “Earth Goddess” costume.
Eve is dressing as a Ghostbuster. (I bet she’ll vacuum up Milton’s Holy Spirit!)
Zephron shall pose as my little brother, if he can find the costume for sale.
Zarah and Pharez shall chase each other around as Moby Dick and Captain Ahab.
Abdiel will dress as the mother who is so mysteriously absent from the Christian Trinity. (Did Eve suck her up? Pharez-as-Ahab says: “There burn the flames! Oh, thou magnanimous! Now I do glory in my genealogy. But thou art but my fiery father; my sweet mother, I know not. Oh, cruel! What hast thou done with her?”)
Shannon Doherty and Luke Perry shall become the proud parents of Ithuriel.
And Moloch will be a fireman.
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