Halloween is a satanic festival strictly for people over forty years of age. This high and holy day first started back in the spring of ’77, the moment when Lucifer fell from the sky. At that time, the Central Intelligence Agency of the United States was just entering its young adulthood. It is British in origin.
Hold on — I hear the doorbell. Give me a second… I must offer my visitors candy, and trim the wick of my pumpkin lantern.
Alright, I’m back now. Where were we? Oh, yes: Christmas is a Christian holiday whose true spirit is to be jolly and cheerful; but Halloween is the polar opposite — Halloween is pagan: It is all about sexual orgies. Infidels and druids go outdoors in the crisp dark air, as naked as jaybirds, and dance around the evil idols at Stonehenge, doing the “69 move” where they touch their lips to each other’s private parts. They abandon themselves to their lusts. Out there on the cold rocks, it can’t be very comfortable. I bet they all have major regrets afterwards.
So, when you go trick-or-treating, make sure that you hire a parental guardian to be your chaperone. That way, you can be safe if you encounter a sex-crazed politician canvassing around your neighborhood. Your adult protector can threaten this villain by saying “Keep your distance, fiend, or I will consider not voting for you in the midterms.”
Also beware of treats that have been genetically modified to contain sharp jagged metal blades or various power tools such as jack-o’-hammers and stapler guns. Tasers are also currently in style.
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