Good evening. Here is your trophy — who should I hand this to? Alright, here you go. Now let me introduce myself and tell you the reason for my visit.
My name is Bryan Ray, the famous author. I’m here to praise your library for having the Best Roof (you’ll note that this exact phrase is written in golden letters across your trophy’s plinth). May I suggest raising it up slightly? — the roof, I mean. You’d get more headroom that way. I see that some of the plaster is actually breaking away in large chunks and falling to the floor, over by the children’s books. That’s interesting. Someone might want to go over there and urge those little girls to move to a different section, or they might get hit. And, up here, directly overhead, I see that some of the roof has actually caught fire. That’s a very nice touch.
Do you really keep Miller Beer on tap? That’s almost unheard of. Good for you. Go ahead and pour yourself a cup, while I finish this speech. See if the Top Librarian needs a refill. Oh my gosh, has she given up the ghost? Ah, she’s just sleeping? What a relief.
This is strange — I don’t think I’ve ever seen a library that loans out dynamite. And what does that sign say, in front of that massive sculpture there? “Cannon of Death”? Oh, I see — that’s not a sculpture: it’s a functional Death Cannon! Jeepers, you gals really ARE advanced. And I heard that all of your books have happy endings. That’s great. That calms the butterflies in my stomach. It’s like learning how to feel alive again, after you’ve died.
Alright, anyway, here are your prizes. I already gave you your trophy — you can display it on one of your shelves. And here are some bright white sneakers from Adidas, our sponsor. This is all part of the “Best Roof” award. Oh yes, and I almost forgot: here is a free cellular phone, plus a device that we call an “Internet beeper”. You all can share those.
That’s it — we’re done. I wish your library continued success. Now I’ll shake everyone’s hand, one by one, as I take my leave. By the way, in case you want to write a letter to the Inspection and Awards Committee telling them how good of a job I did with this presentation, my bureaucratic title is “High-Tech Man with Laser Vision”. (That’s seriously my official handle — they’ll know who you’re talking about.) And, yes, in case you were wondering: my robot face-gear was designed by Karl Kani.
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