My Adidas

For various reasons, it is hard for most people to understand exactly what we modern rappers are saying when we voice our raps; so I’ll explain to you, as clearly as I can, the contents of each verse of my rap group’s latest single, which is very popular right now:

1. His Verse

My partner raps first. He begins by boasting that his shoes have shell-toes and that he wears them without socks. He says that although he doesn’t even lace them up, they still remain on his feet. His shoes have three stripes on each side, for their brand is Adidas, hence the title of the song. He claims that if you spell that name backwards, you get “Sad Ida,” which reminds us of the song “Ida Red” (1938) by Bob Wills and his Texas Playboys, the Western swing fiddle tune that Chuck Berry adapted to make his rock-and-roll hit “Maybellene” (1955). 

The next thing my rap partner says is that he would never wear shoes of the brand name Puma. He calls Pumas “wack,” and he pledges to wear the Adidas brand exclusively, adding (and I quote) “We don’t wear no Reeboks, Filas, Nikes, nor Keds neither.” And he closes his verse by declaring that his Adidas shoes are the color of homicide and very shiny.

2. My Verse

I myself rap next on the track. I begin by saying that my shoes have shell-toes too, and they are white and clean. I assert that I love my shoes so much that I dream about them all day long. I declare fire to be the best gift that Prometheus gave to humankind; and I reveal that my Adidas shoes have extra-fat laces, the familiar three-striped design on each side, and a prominent tongue. 

At this point, my verse becomes controversial, because I indulge in negativity and mud-slinging. I cast aspersions on any rappers who wear Nike brand footwear; and I try to teach these rappers some historical truths, to alleviate their stupidity: I inform them that Nike was actually the name of the Goddess of Winged Conquest, which leads me to reflect that the company Adidas should rename itself “Mercury,” since that was the ancient Roman Deity of High-Speed Text-Messaging. I then mention that Mercury’s Greek equivalent was the God called Hermes, yet I reflect that my opponents probably already knew this fun-fact, because (to quote my rap directly) “Only boring old retired folk have time to study theology.” (The insinuation is that my competitors are all boring old retired folk.) Then, in order to rhyme with that last word theology, for my final line I brag that “Contrariwise, I, who am young and fresh, would rather spend the evening making out with your girlfriend while telling her parents that she and I are studying biology.” This joke lands well, and then the song fades out.