The Oracle of Apollo

I climbed up to the shrine whose sign read Oracle of Apollo. “I’ll do whatever you say,” I prayed aloud. And my instructions were: “Go slay a virgin goat and drain its blood into a cup; then return.” So I killed the goat and came back to offer up the gift. “You asked for goat blood,” I said; “here it is. Now please speak further.” And my new instructions were “Go find a virgin sheep and drain its blood into a bowl; then return.” So I slew the sheep and offered up the blood. However, at this point, when I was receiving the next instructions, I happened to catch a glimpse of someone hiding behind the shrine, standing on a chair and holding a megaphone. “You are not Apollo,” I interrupted. “No,” boomed the voice, with surprising candor. So then I cried out “I’ve been swindled! Isn’t this against the law?”

I then headed over to the sand dune and stopped at the altar called Oracle of Apollo. The high priestess was there, eating a vulture; so I asked her to please sacrifice a human for me and inquire of the deity whether there are any revelations that may be unsealed. Then a still small voice said: “I am the Oracle of Apollo the Living God,” and the golden scepter that the priestess had been holding began to levitate. I lay prostrate in reverence, and the priestess poured out the sacrificial blood, which splashed upon me. “Now you are clean and ready to approach,” said the voice. So I arose and brushed off the dust, as the voice proclaimed: “Behold your fortune: I will grant you a beautiful wife.” — This news elated me, so I ran out into the darkness and began an earnest and protracted courtship, largely through letters, of the damsel Drew Barrymore, whom I had long desired to wed. All this happened around the time of her directorial debut film Whip It (2009).