Chapter 1
There once was a man named Job, who was morally perfect. He had seven sons and three daughters. And he was a wealthy man; here is a list of his possessions:
7,000 sheep;3,000 camels;1,000 oxen;500 she-asses;& countless household slaves.
In short, this Job was the greatest man in the West.
His sons and daughters feasted every day within their houses. And Job would continually offer burnt sacrifices to God, on behalf of all his children; for he said within his heart: “It may be that my sons and daughters have sinned, and cursed God in their hearts.”
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Now there was a day when the Sons of God presented themselves before Yahweh, and the Accuser from the celestial courtroom came also among them.
And Yahweh said to the Accuser: “What have you been doing?” And the Accuser answered: “Ah, I’ve just been going to and fro in the earth, and walking up and down in it. Monitoring the situation, so that I can keep you abreast of any illicit activity.”
And Yahweh said to the Accuser: “What do you make of my servant Job? Wouldn’t you agree that he is perfect? He even offers up burnt sacrifices for his children, when they’ve done nothing wrong.”
Then the Accuser answered: “Why let him bank advanced payments for future transgressions? That, to me, is a fault already. ‘Buy now, sin later’? What kind of morality is that? No, I do not find him to be perfect. I think Job is a prig. He’s driven by profit, like any Mammon worshipper. Do you think he fears you for nothing? Of course not: you pay him well. Look, you’ve settled him in a gated community, and blessed him with an abundance of riches. But take away his material possessions, and he will curse you to your face.”
Then Yahweh said to the Accuser: “Alright, let’s put your theory to the test. Lo, all that Job has, I put in your power: do what you like with it. Take all his property and belongings; however, stop short of harming his person. We’ll see what happens.”
So the Accuser shook hands with Lord Yahweh God and left.
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Now on the next day, when Job was dining with his wife, one of his slaves came running in from the field, and cried: “Terror all around! The U.S. Airforce just bombed away all your oxen and asses! Only I have escaped to tell you!”
And while this slave was yet speaking, there came another slave from the opposite direction, and cried: “U.S. missiles just annihilated all your sheep and camels! Only I have escaped alive to tell you!”
And before this second slave could finish his report, a third came also and cried: “The U.S. Army just machinegunned all your farmhands to death! I’m the only one they missed.”
Then one last slave dashed forth and interrupted the others, saying: “All your sons and daughters were feasting together, when a remote-controlled U.S. drone kamikaze’d the entire house with a tactical nuke. I somehow escaped alone to tell you.”
Then Job arose, and folded his hands, and prayed to God, saying: “Yahweh gives, and Yahweh takes. I praise the name of Yahweh.”
Chapter 2
On the morrow, the Sons of God came again and presented themselves before Lord Yahweh, and the Accuser from the celestial courtroom came also among them.
And Yahweh said to the Accuser: “What have you been up to?” And the Accuser answered: “Ah, same as always: going to and fro in the earth, and walking up and down in it; assessing the situation, to keep you abreast of any wrongdoing.”
And Yahweh said to the Accuser: “So, what’s your take on my servant Job? Do you agree yet that he is perfect? I just received praise from him this morning; your little plan seems to have failed. He holds fast his integrity, despite your beguiling me to destroy him without cause.”
And the Accuser answered Yahweh, saying: “Skin for skin. You forbade me to touch his person. But I guarantee that he will break under physical suffering. Give him a bone disease, cancer, painful boils, etc. Then he’ll curse you to your face.”
So Yahweh said to the Accuser: “Fine, torment him physically. But just don’t kill him.”
So the Accuser shook hands with Yahweh, and went forth to visit the U.S. Pentagon. They gave him a vial of the latest plague that they had frankenstein’d.
The Accuser then administered the plague to Job, who, as a result, became very ill: blood began oozing out of his pores, and his breath stank like carrion.
Then Job’s wife said to him: “Do you still retain your integrity? Curse God and die.”
But Job answered: “You speak foolishly. Shall we receive good from Yahweh and not also receive evil?”
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Now Job had three friends, their names were Cephas the Catholic, Luther the Protestant, and Bunyan the Baptist. When they heard of all the tragedies that had struck Job, they came to visit him.
On the day of their arrival, when these three were approaching, they saw their old friend Job from afar off, but they could barely recognize him, he was so ravaged by disease. So they began to mourn.
Job’s friends sat down with him upon the earth seven full days and nights, and no one spoke a word: for they saw that his grief was great.
Chapter 3
At this point, Job opened his mouth and cursed the day he was born.
In response, Cephas the Catholic pontificated at length, warning Job why he should not say such things. Then Job answered but Cephas ignored him.
After that, Luther the Protestant waxed eloquent about why Job was wrong to say what he had said. And, again, Job answered, but Luther did not listen.
Finally, Bunyan the Baptist explained by means of object lessons and an elaborate allegory why Job’s initial complaint was wicked and sinful. And Job for a third time defended his view, but it fell on deaf ears.
Chapter 4
Then Yahweh appeared in his flaming, smoking whirlwind, and said: “Who is this that darkens counsel by words without knowledge? Shall he that contends with the Almighty instruct him?”
Job answered: “Look, I am vile. What can I say? I have already spoken; I will speak no further.”
Then Yahweh said, out of his whirlwind: “Will you disannul my judgment? Will you condemn me, to make yourself righteous? Consider the world I have created, and all the monsters I fashioned to haunt it: they are wholly amoral. I can do whatever I want!”
Job answered Yahweh and said: “It is clear that you can do anything, and that nothing can stop you. As for your questions, ‘Who is this ignoramus?’ Will any answer suffice? Therefore, here is my final word: I had heard rumors of you, but now that I see you, I quake with dread for mortal flesh.”
Chapter 5
Now, after he had exchanged words with Job, Lord Yahweh said to Job’s three friends: “My wrath is kindled against you all, for you have not spoken of me correctly. So, fetch seven bullocks and seven rams, offer up for yourselves a burnt sacrifice; and Job shall pray for you: only him will I accept. Go now, and act fast, lest I give you what you deserve.”
Then Yahweh reimbursed Job for the properties that he had damaged, and he granted him twice as much as he possessed before.
Then all Job’s relatives and former friends joined him for a feast at his house. And they consoled and comforted him for all the evil that Yahweh God had brought upon him. And each of his guests also gave Job a piece of money.
So Yahweh blessed the latter end of Job more than his beginning: for now he owned
14,000 sheep;6,000 camels;2,000 oxen;1,000 she-asses;& also 7 new sons + 3 fresh daughters.
And the names that Job gave to his daughters were so beautiful that they are worth mentioning here: the first was Jemima; the second, Kezia; and the third, Keren-happuch. In all the land, no women were found so fair as the daughters of Job. Their father even allowed them an inheritance among their brethren.
After all this, Job lived one hundred and forty years: he saw the next four generations of his bloodline. Then he died.
Note
The foregoing chapters correspond to those of the King James Bible as follows: 1–2 = same; 3 = 3–37; 4 = 38–41; 5 = 42.
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