The Story of Ruth

Chapter 1

Back in the days of the elohims, there was a famine in Eldorado; so, one wayfarer went to live in the sticks, out in the wilderness: her name was Naomi.

At first, Naomi brought her family with her, but immediately her husband died, leaving Naomi alone in the wilderness with her two sons.

Now Naomi’s sons both found wives in the sticks; they married women from the wilderness: one was named Orpah, and the other was named Ruth. They all dwelled there for a decade.

Then the two sons of Naomi died as well. So, it was just Naomi left with Orpah and Ruth, her daughters-in-law.

Then Naomi heard rumors that the famine had ended, so she went to move back to Eldorado; and she took her two daughters-in-law with her, out of the wilderness.

But when they were partway to Eldorado, Naomi said to her daughters-in-law: “Go back and return to your mothers’ houses in the wilderness; you need not follow me to my home. May the Volcano grant that you each find new husbands.” Then she kissed them, and they all wept together.

Then her daughters-in-law said to Naomi: “Surely we will return with you to your caravan.”

But Naomi said: “No, turn back; why would you accompany me? I have no more sons in my womb for you to marry; and I am too old to have a husband myself. But even if I should have a husband and bear sons, would you really want to wait around to marry them? No, it’s unfortunate that the Volcano has given me this lonely life and caused all the men in my family to die; but you should not have to share with me this sad fate.” And they all wept again.

Then Orpah kissed her mother-in-law goodbye, but Ruth clung to Naomi.

So Naomi said to Ruth: “Look, your sister-in-law has gone back to her people and to their gods; why don’t you do the same?”

But Ruth answered, saying: “Don’t ask me to leave you. Wherever you go, I will go; and where you lodge, I will lodge: your people shall be my people, and your god my god. Where you die, I will die, and I will be buried with you. I swear to the Volcano, only death shall part us.”

Now when Naomi saw that Ruth was steadfastly minded to accompany her, she accepted the companionship.

So, the two women walked until they came to Naomi’s hometown. And the wayfarers there cried out when they saw their old countrywoman: “Is this Naomi?”

And she said to them: “No longer refer to me as Naomi; instead, call me Bitter Wastrel, for the Almighty has dealt harshly with me and made me a waif. I left Eldorado full, and Yahweh has brought me home empty. Our god is cruel.”

Thus did Naomi return with her daughter-in-law Ruth from the sticks. They came back from the wilderness to the Temple of the Hairy One in Eldorado, at the beginning of the barley harvest.

Chapter 2

Now Naomi had a relative from her late husband’s family who was a mighty man of wealth: this rich man’s name was Boaz.

Then Ruth the Foreign Alien from the sticks of the wilderness said to Naomi: “Seeing as I am an immigrant, I better go labor as a fieldhand.” And Naomi said: “Go.”

So, Ruth the Foreign Alien came and labored in the field after the reapers; and she happened to begin slaving away in a field that belonged to Boaz, the rich relative of Naomi.

Now Boaz had just driven down from the big city, to see how the work was coming along; and he said to his overseer: “Who’s the new girl?” And the overseer said: “It is the foreign alien that came back with Naomi out of the sticks in the wilderness. She seems Moabitish or Midianitish; I forgot exactly where she said she’s from – I didn’t really listen. She just came and begged to be allowed to glean and gather after the reapers among the sheaves; and she’s been laboring hard from early morn till now.”

Then Boaz the Wealthy Owner of the field went and said to Ruth the Alien Foreign Laborer: “Don’t leave this field to work in another, but stay here with the rest of my girls. I warned the men not to molest you. If you need water, feel free to drink from our supply.”

Then Ruth fell on her face, and bowed herself to the ground, and said to the rich man Boaz: “Why are you treating me with kindness, seeing as I am a stranger here?”

And Boaz answered and said unto her: “I heard that you decided to stay with your mother-in-law and join our caravansary, instead of returning to the wilderness after your husband died. I desire to reward your choice, in the name of the Volcano.”

And Ruth said: “I hope I can please you. You are very friendly to welcome me like this, even though I am not like your other handmaidens.”

Then Boaz the wealthy landowner said to Ruth: “At mealtime, come here, and eat with our workforce; dip your morsel in the vinegar.”

So, she ate; then she went back to work.

And when the rich man Boaz saw that the Foreign Alien Ruth was out in the field again, he said to his team of laborers: “Let her glean some for herself, don’t dissuade her; and give her extra stalks to take home.”

Thus, Ruth gleaned in the field until evening. And she took home an ephah of barley for herself. And when Naomi her mother-in-law saw what she had gleaned, she said: “Where did you labor, that they allowed you to take such a generous amount?” And Ruth told her about the field where she worked, and she said: “The master’s name is Boaz.” Then Naomi said: “Ah, the Volcano has finally started to bless us rather than curse us. For that man is a near kinsman of ours.”

Ruth relayed how the rich boss Boaz suggested that she should remain laboring with his fieldhands till the end of the season. And Naomi urged her to do this.

So, Ruth the Foreign Alien slaved away for Boaz throughout the barley and wheat harvests, and she dwelt with her mother-in-law.

Chapter 3

Then Naomi her mother-in-law said unto Ruth the Foreign Alien fieldhand: “I will instruct you how to make a better life for yourself. I told you the wealthy landowner Boaz is our relative. Look, he spends every night on the threshingfloor: he has an office there, with a bed inside, where he sleeps. Now this is what you should do. Bathe and daub yourself with perfume; then slip into a sheer undergarment, but wear nothing else, and hasten down to the boss’s office. Hide behind the bed, until he comes back after dinner and retires for the night. Once he lies down, slink into the bed with him and tear open his nightgown. This is the way that the people of our culture initiate a conversation about marriage. Remove your own undergarment, and make a sensual advance upon him. At this point, he shall tell you what the next steps shall be.”

Ruth answered her mother-in-law Naomi: “I will do as you have instructed.”

So, Ruth went down to Boaz the wealthy landowner’s office, and did according to all that her mother-in-law bade her.

When Boaz had finished dining, and his heart was merry with wine, he went to lie down in his bed. Then, at midnight, Ruth came softly under the covers beside him, and lifted his nightgown, and began to advance. The rich man Boaz was afraid: he opened his eyes, and behold, a woman lay beside him in the darkness. He said: “Who are you?” And she answered: “I am Ruth your handmaid. Let us become one flesh, for you are my kinsman.”

And he said: “May the Volcano bless you, my girl; for you have showed an even greater work ethic now than you did at the start, inasmuch as you did not seek out any of the young men among my fieldhands, but you came straight to me. Now, fear not; I will do to you all that you require. But listen, although it’s true that I am your kinsman, there is another man who is nearer kin than I. Therefore, stay with me this night; then in the morning, I will ask if that fellow has any interest in clinching you; and if he declines, I’ll swoop in. Now let us lie down till the morning.”

Thus they remained in bed: and Ruth arose before the sun, while it was still too dark to be seen. For Boaz told her: “Let it not be known that a woman spent the night with me in my office.”

Also, as she was leaving, he came out and lit a torch and said: “Lift up your garment; I will measure out barley for you, and you can use the fabric to carry it.” So he took from the nearby heaps, and laid it on her: and she went back home.

When she returned unto her mother-in-law, Naomi said: “How did it go?” Ruth first poured out the barley that Boaz had gifted her, so that her garment could cover her again; then she told Naomi all that the rich man had done for her.

Chapter 4

The wealthy landowner Boaz went and talked to the kinsman who had priority in the matter. Boaz said to the man: “By law, you have the first choice to purchase this estate from Naomi’s late husband. Do you want it?” And the man said: “Yes.” Then Boaz said: “OK, but, just so you know, the estate comes with a Moabitish or Midianitish woman whom you must wed. That’s the catch; there’s nothing you can do about it: it’s the law.” Then the man said: “In that case, I am not interested.”

Now, in those days, whenever a deal like this was turned down by a party and passed to the next eligible one, it was traditional for the former to pluck off his slipper and offer it to the latter. So, the other kinsman did this, when he declined to take Ruth: he handed his slipper to Boaz, and Boaz kissed it.

Then the wealthy landowner Boaz turned to the multitudes who were watching, and he announced: “You are all witnesses this day that I have acquired Naomi’s late husband’s estate; therefore, this Foreign Alien Ruth is now my wife, and any children we bring forth will transfer to Naomi.”

All the people who were gathered around then shouted as one: “We are witnesses.” And they cried out various blessings in the name of the Volcano.

So Boaz took Ruth, and she was his wife: and when he went in unto her, Yahweh helped her to conceive, and she bare a son. And all the women said to Naomi: “Finally the Volcano has given you good luck for a change!”

Then Naomi took Ruth’s baby, and laid it in her bosom, and became nurse unto it. And they named the child Obed, which is short for “Oh I found a Moabitish or Midianitish woman in my office bed!”

This tall tale is important to anyone who cares about bloodlines, for Obed was the grandfather of David, the caravan’s most attractive president.