26 March 2015

Basketball tips

In this entry, I will disclose the secret to my success at basketball. But first, here’s a bird’s-eye view of a napkin:

Basketball tips

When playing basketball, I always choose opponents that possess significantly less height than myself. This way, instead of having to execute complex dribbling maneuvers to dodge towering foemen, I can simply hold the ball in both hands overhead and walk straight toward the basket with ease. The other team cannot reach the ball that I am holding, because they are short.

Also, I use a remote control to change the height of each hoop during the game. I find that it works best to keep my opponent’s hoop at regulation level until they shoot the ball – then I press the remote’s button that says “Raise Opponent’s Hoop,” and their hoop’s height increases by several meters, thus causing my foemen’s shot to miss the basket. (This outcome pleases me and embarrasses them.)

To review: I make sure that all of the opposing players are short, but I set their hoop to be tall. This combination of elements, I find, allows my team to praise God for blessing us with victory.

Also, I use the above remote to decrease my own hoop’s height. I prefer to set my team’s basket at eye-level or below. Ideally, the rim should be about the height of the first step on a stairway. This technique allows me to score without having to jump or strain. I just lean over the basket and drop the ball directly into its rim. Then I yell ‘Swish!’ and wave to the cheering crowd.

I’ve found, however, that you can avoid the physical agonies of actually having to play the game of basketball, if you can manage to gain control of the scorecard. The scorecard contains the team’s scores, and it is crucial that your own score ends up noticeably larger than your opponent’s. The way to do this is to increase the amount of points that are attributed to your team. It works best if you can manipulate the scores at the very beginning of the game, before any real points have been recorded; for then you can just give yourself whatever number you desire (I suggest “99” because that’s a high score); whereas, if certain points have already been marked on the sheet by a scorekeeper, then you’ll have to find a way to make your points more than they are at present: for example, change a score of “2” into a score of “92” by adding a “9” before the existing digit.

Note that the players as well as their cheerleaders can be of any gender whatsoever. And copulation may result in pregnancy.

The last thing that I need to warn you about is the ref. (The term ref is short for referee.) Basically, a ref is like an auditor who wants to redistribute your wealth because you acquired it illegally. Now, the ref carries a whistle. If you can steal this whistle away, and hide it in a place where no one has access – like a locked briefcase, or a secret compartment of your shoe – it will save you a lot of legal hassle in the long run. Whistleblowing is the worst thing that can happen to a basketball team. Once the whistle is blown, the game screeches to a halt. No one wants this; believe me. When play stops, both teams lose. Which is to say: everyone loses; because eternity consists of the present moment alone. (Not even artists enjoy a stalled eternity.)

In conclusion, practice charitable sportsmanship. Win responsibly: say “Good game!” to your opponents after you beat them; and, if you notice that they’re weeping, gently pat them on the back.

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