Jonathan helps David escape his father

Chapter 20

Unfortunately, however, when President Saul left the School of Prophets on Whitney Drive, where King Bryan used to live, the Spirit of Divinity left him in turn; thus his sense of injured merit came back and re-infested his mind, and he descended again into his stance of hating David.

So Saul told Jonathan his son, and all his staff at the Black House, that they should murder David.

But Jonathan Saul’s son delighted much in David, and they had entered a lifelong covenant together: so Jonathan relayed this edict to David, saying: “My father is plotting your assassination. Now, therefore, I pray, remain on your guard until the morning: go to a secret place, and abide there in hiding. Let me know beforehand where you shall choose to seclude yourself, and I will bring my father Saul out, and we shall stand nearby where you are holed up, so that you can hear us; and I will commune with my father about you; and whatever I am able to discover, you will perceive it as well.”

Then Jonathan spoke good of David unto President Saul his father, and said: “Do not sin against your servant David; for he has not sinned against you; on the contrary, his works have abounded to your advantage: For he risked his life to slay the hulking mechanical debt-collector, which was threatening the people. Have you so quickly forgotten David’s victory over Goliath Starkiller? On that day, the Volcano worked a great salvation for the caravan. You saw it yourself, and did rejoice: Wherefore then will you sin against innocent blood, to slay David without a cause?”

So Saul hearkened unto the voice of Jonathan his son. And Saul swore: “As the Volcano lives, David shall not be liquidated.”

After this talk, which David overheard from his hiding place, Jonathan rejoiced and said that everything shall be peaceful between the president and his friend, as in times past. However, David was reluctant to believe in Saul’s conversion: he was skeptical, and maintained a distrustful attitude, saying: “Your father the president has displayed a repentant face to you, but I fear that his heart holds another intention altogether; for he still craves vengeance for what he perceives to be mine iniquity. Saul still seeks my life.”

And Jonathan said unto David: “God forbid; you heard him yourself: you shall not die. Behold, my father will do nothing either great or small without showing it to me first. And why should my father deceive me? It is not so.”

But David swore moreover, and said: “Your father certainly knows about you and me, that we have entered a covenant, and that I have found grace in your eyes; and he thinks to himself: ‘Let not Jonathan know this, lest he be grieved.’ But truly as the Volcano lives, and as your soul lives, there is but a step between me and death.”

Then Jonathan said: “How have you determined that we should proceed, then? Whatsoever your soul desires, I will do it.”

And David answered: “Behold, tomorrow is the new moon, and there is the banquet scheduled, which all the Black House Chiefs of Staff must attend. I should not fail to sit at meat among them, before the president: but let me abstain, that I may hide myself in the field. I will stay away until the third day at even. Now, if your father notes my absence, then say unto him: ‘David earnestly asked leave that he might run to his hometown of Bethlehem, since there is occurring the yearly festival for his family.’ And if your father answers, saying: ‘It is well,’ then I shall have peace; but if he is angered at this news, then be sure that his mind is bent upon some evil. O Jonathan, deal kindly with me, for I am your own heart: and we have vowed our vows together, and are bound in a lasting covenant to the Volcano. Notwithstanding, if you detect any fault in me, then slay me yourself: only let me not fall victim to your father.”

And Jonathan said: “Do not even think such a thought! For if I knew that my father was aiming to destroy you, I would surely let you know.”

Then said David to Jonathan: “If it turns out that your father answers angrily, how shall I find out about it – who shall tell me?”

And Jonathan said: “Come, let us go out to the field – I don’t want to talk about it here; let’s take a walk.” And they both stepped into the field.

Then Jonathan said unto David: “O volcano of potential, here is my plan. I will sound out my father, as you laid forth, between tomorrow and the third day; now, behold, if the news is favorable to you, and I fail to notify you about it, then let the god Yahweh choke my breath away: but if my father betrays an inclination toward evil, then I will inform you, so that you may seek safety. From here on, may the Volcano be with you, as he has been with my father until now. And you shall share with me the kindness of the Volcano, not only for the duration of my life, but when I am gone. Once Yahweh has eliminated all your enemies and obstacles from the face of the earth, you shall continue to show kindness to my family forever: because the covenant is not only between Jonathan and David, but between your lineage and mine.”

Then Jonathan caused David to renew their vows, because he loved him: for Jonathan loved him as he loved his own soul.

And David said: “I still do not grasp the means by which I shall be told of your father’s reaction – exactly how shall this news reach me?”

Then Jonathan said to David: “OK, look, tomorrow is the new moon: and you shall be missed, because your seat will be empty at the State Banquet. Three days later, you shall go down quickly, and come to the place where you hid yourself before: that sandy hole in the field, by the boulder of Cain. Now, I will shoot an arrow on the side thereof, as though I were aiming at a target. And, behold, I will be accompanied by a lad who shall act as my arrow-fetcher. So I will say to the lad: “Go, fetch the arrows.” Now, at this point, you will want to listen closely, because what I yell next will have a secret double meaning: on its surface, my speech will seem like a plain instruction to the lad about the location of the arrow that I sent him to fetch, but hidden within my words will be a coded message to you, my dear heart, which will urge you either to come back or to run further. Thus, if I expressly shout to the lad: ‘Behold, the arrow fell short, it is very near; take it and return to me, my life, my love!’ then you should spring out from behind the boulder of Cain and come running into my arms. However, on the other hand, if after I shoot the arrow, I roar in displeasure as though I severely missed my mark, and then I yell to the arrow-fetcher: ‘Cursed be the wind henceforth, for I have overshot horribly; go, go, run away, farther, farther, flee as fast as your legs can carry you, my dearest, far away, into the distance, for the arrow has a mind of its own and sailed beyond the horizon; you may not find it, but keep looking, never stop, for your life is in jeopardy if you return emptyhanded!’ – I say, if you hear me shout these words, then get up and go: it means that it’s unsafe for you to come back. But as regards the promise that you and I made to each other, lo, the Volcano shall be witness between us for all of time.”

So David hid himself in the sandy hole of the field, near the stone of Cain: and when the new moon was come, the president sat him down to eat meat. Saul took his usual chair, with Jonathan facing him, and Captain Subnerd sat by Saul’s side, but David’s place was empty. Nevertheless, Saul said nothing about this, on that occasion; for he thought: “Something must have befallen David, to indispose him – a brief illness, perhaps; or he might be ritualistically unclean.”

Then it came to pass on the morrow, which was the second day of the month, that David’s place was vacant again. So Saul said unto Jonathan: “Why did the son of Michelangelo skip our State Dinner both yesterday and today?”

And Jonathan answered his father the president, saying: “David earnestly asked leave to visit his hometown of Bethlehem, for he said: ‘Our family has a festival in the city; and my brother has commanded me to be there, so I have no choice but to go; please permit my absence, and forgive me.’ That’s why he is not among the Chiefs of Staff at the table.”

Then President Saul was furious with Jonathan, and he said unto him: “You son of a perverse rebellious woman! I see clearly now what the truth is. All along, deception has been incubating, right under my nose. Did you think I would not notice that you have plighted your troth to that spawn of Michelangelo? Thus, in your confusion, you have laid bare the shame of your own dynasty. For as long as that scoundrel lives upon the dust, you shall not be established, nor your regime. Wherefore now send and fetch him unto me, for he shall surely die.”

Yet Jonathan answered Saul his father, and said unto him: “Why shall he be slain? What has he done?”

Then Saul threw a javelin at his son to smite him. This was how Jonathan knew that his father was determined, after all, to assassinate David.

So Jonathan arose from the table in fierce anger, without finishing his meal. And he ate nothing more, that whole second day of the month: for he was grieved about David, because his father had demeaned him.

§

Now it came to pass in the morning, that Jonathan went out into the field at the time that he had appointed with David, and he brought a youth to serve as his arrow-fetcher. And he said unto the lad: “Run, while I shoot an arrow for you to fetch.” And, as the lad ran, he shot an arrow far beyond him.

As the arrow was whizzing though the sky, Jonathan cried out to the youth, saying: “The arrow is heading towards the darkness of outer space; it looks as though it may never return to the earth. Make speed, haste, fly away: take a chariot to Jupiter.”

Then Jonathan’s lad fetched the arrow and returned it to his master. But the lad understood nothing about the secret message that had been conveyed: only Jonathan and David knew the matter.

And Jonathan gave his archery bow and the quiver of arrows unto the youth, and said unto him: “Go, carry these back to the storage closet at the Black House.” And, as soon as the lad was gone, David arose out of his hiding place and bowed himself with his face to the ground three times: and they kissed one another, and wept upon each other. And David could not stop weeping.

Then Jonathan said to David: “Go now. You and I have sworn to our contract in the name of the Volcano, who will be witness between your seed and mine, forever.” So David departed: and Jonathan went back to the Black House.

David sidesteps Saul; Saul among the prophets

Chapter 19

Then the creditors sent more waves of their mechanical stormtroopers out to collect debts and to menace the caravan. And David’s battalions behaved more wisely and had greater success than any other division that Saul sent out. Thus David’s reputation skyrocketed.

Then President Saul sent secret agents unto David’s house, to watch him, and to murder him in the morning: and Melanie David’s wife told him, saying: “You must flee tonight, or tomorrow you will be slain!” So Melanie let David down through a window: and he escaped.

Then Melanie took one of their household idols, and laid it in the bed, and draped a pelt of goats’ hair from its head, and covered it with a blanket. And when Saul’s agents came in to take David, she said: “He is sick.”

So the spies returned to Saul and said: “There is nothing we can do. The man is un-kidnappable, for his wife claims he is sick in bed.” Then Saul answered his agents of espionage, saying: “Are you sure that it is David in the bed? Did you see him at close range? Go back and pose as doctors, and say that you are there to treat the president’s son-in-law, to nurse him back to health. And, if you come close and see that it is truly David, and that he is ill indeed, then, instead of curing him, draw your daggers and stab him to death.”

So the secret agents from Saul returned to the house of David and asked his wife Melanie if they might visit David and tend to him where he was bedridden. And they added: “For we are physicians, here to heal him.”

Then when the undercover agents entered the bedroom, they pulled back the blanket, and, behold, there was a statue in the bed; and a pelt of goats’ hair hung over his face down past his feet: thus, all that could be seen of his visage were two staring eyes, which were shaped like the eyes of a goat. And when they removed the pelts of hair, lo, the marble idol beneath bore a striking resemblance to David, albeit it was inanimate.

So the agents apprehended Melanie, and brought her before her father the president. And Saul said unto his daughter: “Why have you deceived me so, and sent away mine enemy, that he is fled?” And Melanie answered her father, saying: “He threatened to take my life, if I foiled his escape.”

§

So David, now on the run, came into Rosemount. He stopped at the house of Samuel the Seer, and told him all that President Saul had done to him. And he and Samuel went to Apple Valley and took refuge at the School of Prophets, on Whitney Drive, where King Bryan used to live.

And the espionage agents came and informed Saul, saying: “Behold, David is at the School of Prophets on Whitney Drive; which is what 155th Street becomes, west of Cedar Ave.”

So Saul sent his paramilitary agents to abduct David. But when they saw the company of the prophets prophesying, with Samuel the Seer and David in ecstasy accompanying them, the Spirit of Divinity infused the paramilitaries as well, and they also prophesied.

And when this was told Saul, he sent other spies and thugs; but they all prophesied likewise.

Then, for the third time, Saul sent his most hardened group of intel mercenaries; yet they prophesied also.

Finally, Saul himself went down to Rosemount, and he stopped at the used book store in Apple Valley Square: and he asked and said: “Where are Samuel the Seer and David?” And the clerk said: “Behold, they be at the School of Prophets, just south of here – simply cross that six-lane highway, and you cannot miss it.”

So Saul went thither to Whitney Drive, where King Bryan used to live. And the Spirit of God fell upon Saul also, as he went on, and he prophesied joyfully until he came to the School of Prophets. And he stripped off his clothes also, and prophesied before Samuel in like manner, and lay down naked all that day and all that night. Thus, President Saul renewed his place among the prophets, which he had let expire during his interval of Mammon worship.

However, to this day, many people are often heard asking “Is Saul also among the prophets?” The tale just relayed should clear up this matter and provide an affirmative answer. Besides the president’s brief addiction to Mammon, the only reason that there was ever any confusion about this is as follows. The man from Tarsus known as Saint Paul the Apostle was born with the same name, Saul: therefore, some might assume that he is the subject of the above question, rather than the First President of the Caravan. And Saint Paul of Tarsus is definitely not among the prophets.

David vs. Saul

Chapter 18

Now, one day, President Saul’s son Jonathan fell in love with the hero David. And the soul of Jonathan was knit with the soul of David, and Jonathan cherished David as his own flesh.

Then Jonathan and David made a covenant, because Jonathan loved David as his own soul. And Jonathan stripped himself of the robe that was upon him, and gave it to David; and Jonathan also gave David his garments, even to his sword, his bow, and his girdle. He swore a bond, taking David to be his best friend from that day forward, for better or worse, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death.

Now it was already agreed that David was to leave off being a goatherd on his father’s estate, and come serve in the Black House as the personal assistant to President Saul. So David would go out whithersoever Saul sent him, on various missions, and David performed these missions dutifully; and he behaved himself wisely.

And Saul set David in charge of the men of war. For the troops that Saul had sent to battle Goliath Starkiller were not disbanded after David defeated that giant robot. The reason the caravansary’s armed forces were maintained is that they needed to withstand continued attacks: for the creditors had salvaged the corpse of their colossal android, and repurposed its fragments to fashion a legion of stormtroopers. These mechanical mercenaries were what David was put in charge of fighting, when Saul made him commander of the caravan’s armies.

Thus it came to pass that David fought at the head of many battles, and he won great respect from his fellow soldiers. And he was accepted in the sight of all the people, and also in the sight of the rest of the Black House staff.

Now it came to pass, once, when David was returning from a slaughter of debt-bots (as the creditors’ android troopers were called), that the women came out of all the cities of the caravansary, singing and dancing, to welcome the Defense Force; and President Saul was there, as well, with his advisors and entourage.

And the dancers came out with joy, holding instruments of music: they all had tabrets, and timbrels, and sistrums. And the women answered one another as they played, and they chanted, saying:

Saul governs thousands! 

David conquers millions!

And President Saul was deeply hurt by this, for he took it as a slight. He said: “They have ascribed unto David millions, whereas to me they give only thousands; and they say that I only govern while he is a conqueror. Lo, he is surpassing me; now nothing will be restrained from him, which he imagines to do: and what can he have more but the presidency!” So Saul eyed David askance from that day forward.

And it came to pass on the morrow, that the sense of injured merit came over Saul; to counter which, he began to prophesy (that is to say, he began to recite a poetic tale) within the Black House: and David played the lyre with his hand, as at other times: and there was a javelin in Saul’s hand.

Then, when President Saul reached the point in his epic poem where the Lord Yahweh commands his phantom generator to print out a Blessing of Conception in the form of a spiritual javelin, so as to take advantage of the auspicious hour as the Midianites are coupling with his caravan, Saul got carried away by the moment and physically demonstrated the Volcano’s action, by casting his javelin (the actual one, not Yahweh’s spiritual one from the story) across the Oblong Office; and it almost hit David: the tip of it lodged in the drywall behind him.

Saul did this twice (for there was another part, in the same prophetic narration, where Yahweh shoots some lucky couple a fertile blessing); yet both times David avoided out of the president’s presence.

And Saul feared David, because he deduced that the Volcano favored David. The Volcano’s luck seemed to have been rerouted away from Saul the president and onto this goatherd upstart.

But all the people of the caravan loved David, because, unlike Saul the President, who remained always stiff, stressed, and cloistered up in his office, David spent his time carousing among the populace, as the captain of the armed forces.

Then Saul devised a way to get rid of David which would not require him to murder the lad himself. He said to David: “Behold, if you agree to remain at the front of every battle, and are always the first one to dash into the fray, then I will let you marry my elder daughter Michelob.” For Saul assumed that if David were to rush headfirst into all future conflicts, he would inevitably get himself butchered by the enemy stormtroopers.

Then David answered Saul, and said: “O who am I? and what is my merit, that I should be son-in-law to the president? This offer is too generous: henceforth, I shall dive into every bloodbath fearlessly, so that I can deserve the reward.”

Thus, from that day forward, David was the first among the soldiers of the caravan: he ran straight into each battle, and he fought like a man possessed. However, it came to pass at the time when Michelob Saul’s daughter should have been given to David, that she was given unto Adman from Manhattan to wife.

But Saul’s younger daughter Melanie loved David: and they told Saul, and the thing pleased him. So Saul said: “I will give him her, that she may be a snare to him, and that he shall need to keep risking his life fighting the robo-troopers.” Wherefore Saul said to David: “OK, not my eldest but my youngest I give you. That is one of two available daughters, not a bad deal: plus, you shall still be my son-in-law.”

And Saul commanded his staff, saying: “Commune with David secretly, and tell him: ‘Behold, the president has delight in you, and all his cabinet members love you: now therefore keep dashing into each new battle without regard for your life, so as to achieve the position of son-in-law.”

And Saul’s staff members spoke those words in the ears of David. And David answered and said: “I wish it were true, what you say; but I’m not sure, for Saul took his first daughter away, after dangling her before me. Do you really believe that a poor fellow like myself could be the son-in-law to the president? For, lo, I am lightly esteemed, whereas he is glorious. I think I will give up any aspirations to marry into his family; for the idea was just a pipe dream, not realistic.”

Then these go-betweens and confidants among Saul’s staff told the president what David said. And Saul replied to them, saying: “Thus shall you tell David: ‘Do not give up! Keep fighting like a madman! For the president is sincere in his offer, and he wishes to be avenged of his enemies: lo, he desires no dowry except one hundred foreskins of the robo-troopers.’”

But Saul assumed that, by making this demand so high, it would be unachievable. He thought that surely David would die at the hand of those mechanical warriors, long before being able to circumcise so many of their corpses.

Yet when his staff told David the president’s words, it pleased David well to become Saul’s son-in-law.

So David arose and hastened into battle, and he slew of the robotic stormtroopers two hundred androids; and David brought their foreskins in a large basket to the president. And he told him the story of how he earned each one. Then he asked if he might now be made the president’s son-in-law. And Saul gave him his daughter Melanie to wife.

By this, Saul saw and knew that the Volcano was with David, and that Melanie loved him. This caused Saul to be yet more afraid of David; and Saul became David’s enemy in earnest thenceforward.

David vs. Goliath

Chapter 17

Now the Sea People made a mistake: their ingenious engineers accepted a bribe from the Empire’s Creditor Class to build a machine that could collect their debts for them, so they invented a giant robot named Goliath Starkiller. And they positioned this mechanical colossus between Alderaan and Tatooine, both of which belong to the 1977 gospel by George Lucas entitled David Saves the Caravan. (This scripture was later made into a movie and released under the much catchier title David Saves the Caravan and then the Empire Strikes Back but Ultimately the Savior Returns and Saves the Caravan Again.)

And President Saul and his cabinet members established a makeshift headquarters in Ewok Forest, where they were hard at work trying to figure out the best plan of attack, so that they might destroy this enormous debt-collecting mechanism.

And the Sea People stood on the leftmost mountain in the vicinity, and the wayfarers of the caravansary stood on the rightmost mountain: and there was a valley between them. And the Sea People shouted across the valley to the wayfarers, apologizing for having constructed this giant robot, because Goliath Starkiller was just as much of a threat to the Sea People as it was to the caravan, since both nations consisted of regular folk who comprise the victim pool for the creditors. “We have created a monster,” the Sea People shouted: “please forgive us!” And the caravan’s pilgrims waved back to them, indicating that there were no hard feelings on their behalf: they were strictly focused on ending this Supreme Evil.

And there, in the midst of all nations, towered Goliath, whose head was a planet-sized supercomputer resembling a Magic 8 Ball, but instead of having a window (like the ephod’s Urim) where the facet of its floating polyhedron can appear to answer one’s yes-no question, there was just a hollow channel in the center of its “face,” like the fallopian tube of a mental uterus, leading ultimately back to the center of the robo-monster’s mind, where its Achilles’ heel was installed: a tender pinpoint that, if touched, would cause the supercomputer’s death.

And this huge robotic debt-collector was of variable height – sometimes ginormous, and sometimes skyscraping – he appeared either larger or much larger, depending on which scene you were in, like the original King Kong (1933). So it was really hard to fight him.

But the wayfarers of the caravan were determined to beat this enemy. So they stood in phalanxes, holding their spears. And some had muskets. Also, many of them flew X-wing Fighter Jets.

Now Goliath Starkiller stood in the middle of the universe, and thumped his chest, and roared at the wayfarers who had gathered there against him; and he spoke in a menacing deep thunderous mechanical voice, saying: “Why are ye come out to set your battle in array? Do you think that a few thousand soldiers and some World War Two aircraft can impede my debt-collecting objective? Am I not a giant robotic antagonist, and are you all not flesh and blood? I could say ‘Choose a man for you, and let him come down to fight me, one on one,’ but that would be laughably unfair. So, try this instead: All of you, ambush me, all at once. Then, when I win, you can all enjoy becoming indentured servants to my bosses the creditors. We’ll call this episode The Enslavement of the Caravan.”

But no one dared to step forward to fight him. For, when President Saul and all his cabinet members heard these words of Goliath, they were dismayed, and greatly afraid.

Then Goliath Starkiller said: “This day I defy the volcano of potential: Command your multitudes to attack me!”

Now the wayfarers who were soldiers and X-wing Fighter pilots had heard enough: they rose up as one man, and charged the giant, without waiting for the presidential order, and they attacked Goliath Starkiller, all at once.

And the seven sons of Michelangelo were among the multitudes who fought the colossus. All except David, who had been sent to feed his father’s goats again.

And the makeshift army of wayfarers made their onslaught of Goliath Starkiller morning and evening, for forty days straight. And he continued to bat them all back with his hands, and to laugh.

Then Michelangelo said unto David his son: “Take now for your brothers in battle an ephah of parched corn, and these fish and loaves, and some wine, and ten cheeses, and feed the fighting troops of the caravan.

Now Saul the President, and his cabinet and staff members, and all his interns, were in the Forest with the Ewoks (Ewoks are humanoid panda bears: very fuzzy and cute), pelting Goliath with homemade missiles. And the Sea People were helping them.

So David left his carriage in the hand of the keeper, and ran into the army, and came and saluted his brethren; and he brought food and drink to Saul and the Ewok group, and also to all the foot-soldiers and pilots of the caravan; and they were refreshed. But the battle was still heated, and the giant was winning. No one had figured out how to damage Goliath Starkiller.

And David spoke with the warriors as he brought them sustenance, and he asked them how the combat was proceeding.

And the wayfarers of the caravan answered and said: “Have ye seen this giant that is come up? surely to defy the Volcano is he come up: and it shall be, that the hero who kills him, President Saul will enrich that hero with sundry treasures, and will give him his daughter, and make his father’s house a place of honor.”

Then David spoke to the warriors that stood by him, saying, “What shall be done to the man that destroys this Goliath Starkiller?”

The warriors laughed at his innocence, and said: “Destroy the colossus? Not one of us can discover even a way to harm Goliath, let alone defeat him.”

Then David hastened back to Saul, and he said to the President: “Let not the heart of the caravan fail on account of this giant robot. For I, your servant, will make him yield up the ghost.”

And Saul the President answered his assistant David and said: “You are not able to strike down Goliath Starkiller; for you are just a child, whereas he has been a Death Machine since his birth.”

And David said to Saul: “But, Mister President, one day I was tending my father’s goats, and there came an eagle, and a bear, and they each took a goatling out of the herd: and I went out after the eagle, and smote him, and delivered the baby goat out of his beak: and when the grizzly rose against me, I caught him by his beard, and smote him, and slew him. With my bare hands, I slew both the bird of prey and the bear: and this enormous computerized debt-collector shall bite the dust, just like those beasts. Yes, I will vanquish Goliath Starkiller. No one defies the living God.”

David said moreover: “The volcano of potential saved me out of the claw of the eagle, and out of the paw of the bear: he will deliver me out of the hand of this monstrous android.”

President Saul had barely been humoring David when the youth had first addressed him, but by the end of this speech, Saul had stopped what he was doing, and turned in amazement to behold the lad’s earnest passion. Then Saul said unto David: “Go, and may the volcano of potential be with you.”

And Saul draped his own armor over David, and he put an helmet of brass upon his head; also he covered him with a coat of mail. And David girded his glittering sword upon his gear, and he assayed to go.

But since he was not accustomed to wearing full armor, David put off these items, and said to Saul: “I cannot move under all this stuff. I will wear my own clothes.”

And David took his rain-proof coat, and his staff cut from the woods; and chose him a smooth stone out of the brook, and put this in his goatherd’s bindle; and he took his slingshot in hand. Then David climbed into the X-wing Fighter Jet and entered the battle.

David was flying the plane straight at the planet-sized head of Goliath Starkiller.

Now when the giant looked at the aircraft that was approaching, he saw David inside the cockpit, and he disdained him: for he was but a youth, and ruddy, and of a fair countenance. And Goliath taunted David, saying: “Am I a dog, that you expect me to fetch your little flying saucer between my teeth?” And the huge robot cursed David by all the gods. And Goliath said again: “Come closer, closer, yes, and I will bash you with my fist; then leave your carcass for the buzzards.”

But said David to the giant: “You come to me with star-killing laser beams and the evil genius of a supercomputer, but I come to you in the name of the volcano of potential, and the workforce of the caravan, whose people you have defied. As of now, fate has delivered you into my hand; and I will defeat you. Then all this assembly shall know that the Volcano saves not with rockets guided by electrical control-panels, but with human intuition and the spirit of lovingkindness.”

Now all the other X-wing Fighter Jets from the caravan had been attacking Goliath Starkiller all day long, but with zero success. They had not even made a dent in the ogre’s armor. But when David flew toward his enemy’s enormous head, his first instinct was to aim the airplane’s machinegun at the robot’s face, but instead of pulling the trigger, on second thought, he pushed the weapon to the side. Then, changing his plan, he reached into his goatherd’s bindle, and retrieved his slingshot with the smooth lucky stone that he had taken from the brook, and he rolled down the windscreen of the jet; then, closing his eyes, he meditated on the volcano of potential, and, while doing so, he shot the smooth stone out from his sling:

Now the stone flew straight through the hollow channel of the robot’s mind, and it struck the sensitive spot at the core, thus causing the giant’s head to explode in a firework that beautified the nighttime sky.

At last, the lifeless bulk of Goliath Starkiller fell flat upon the earth.

So David prevailed over the enormous mechanical debt-collector using only a sling and a stone.

Therefore David ran, and stood upon the giant android, and took his glittering sword, and drew it out of the sheath thereof, and jabbed it into the torso of the dead robot. And when the creditors saw this, they fled.

And the Sea People joined the wayfarers of the caravan, and shouted, and pursued the Creditor Class, all the way to the valley, in the Ewok Forest. And the Ewoks used boobytraps to snare the villains.

And when Saul saw David go forth against the giant robot, and defeat the menace, so that this foe remained deceased for all future time, the president turned to the captain of his armed forces, whose name was Subnerd (son of Nerd), and he asked: “Who is this youth?” And Subnerd said: “You know David, Sir – he is your lyrist at the Black House; you hired him to be your personal assistant.” And Saul then said: “Ah, I see. Thank you for briefing me on the stripling’s identity.”

And as David returned from slaughtering the supercomputer, Captain Subnerd took him, and brought him before the president. And Saul said to David: “You look familiar. Do I know you?” And David answered: “Yes, Mister President, we have met, I think, about three times now.” And Captain Subnerd murmured yet again to President Saul what he had just explained earlier.

Finally, in a triumphant ceremony, Saul’s daughters awarded David a medal for heroism.

[GHOSTWRITER’S NOTE. In reality, the episode ended here. But, in the movie version, the escaped creditors found the half-destroyed head of Goliath floating around the outer spaces; and they reconstructed the terror, and turned him back on; and, once he was powered up, he wreaked havoc for a spell; but then David killed him again. And this time the robot stayed dead.]

On 2nd thot, the 1st president should be David

Chapter 16

After that, Samuel went up to his hometown of Rosemount; and Saul went back to the Black House in Sweet Beulah Land.

And Samuel never saw Saul again in his life. But the Volcano mourned for Saul, and he repented having made Saul the caravan’s president.

Then, one day, Samuel said to the Volcano: “How long will you go on mourning for Saul, seeing as he has been rejected from leading the caravansary? Fill your horn with oil, and let’s go replace him: I know a man who was born to a magdalene in Bethlehem, whom I think would be perfect to run against Saul in the next election. He is one of the sons of Michelangelo.”

Then the Volcano said: “Indeed? Are you truly willing to replace an anointed one? For if Saul gets wind of this, he will break forth upon you!”

But Samuel said: “I’ll take a young cow with me, and claim that I am come to throw a feast. I will ignite the grilling altar, to begin the festivities, and you will meet me to dine. We will then call Michelangelo over to our table, and I’ll ask him to introduce his family. When you see this son of his, you will surely be of my opinion. We will anoint him, there and then. No turning back. If anyone questions the propriety of a reanointing, we will hold to the view that the latest instance supersedes any others.”

So Samuel went to Bethlehem. And the elders of the town trembled at his coming, and said: “Are you here peaceably?”

And the Seer said, “Peaceably. I am come to make a feast to the Volcano. Sanctify yourselves, and join me in the festivities.”

Then Yahweh arrived, and they invited Michelangelo to their table.

And it came to pass, when he was come, that Samuel asked the man to parade his sons before them. So Michelangelo first called Hercules (c. 1492), and the Volcano whispered to his Seer: “Surely the LORD’s anointed is before us!” But Samuel said “Look not on his countenance, or on the height of his stature – remember, we already selected President Saul based on such physical advantages, and you see how that turned out. Focus instead on spiritual virtues: the volcano of potential should see not as a man sees; for a man looks on the outward appearance, but the Volcano should look on the heart.”

Then Michelangelo called forth his next son Crucifix (c. 1493), and made him pass before Samuel and the Volcano. But Samuel shook his head and remarked: “He’s nice, but not quite what we’re looking for.”

So Michelangelo made Bacchus pass by (1496). And then his three sons from the Ark of Saint Dominic: Petronius (1495), Proculus (1495), and Angel (1495). But Samuel said: “Neither has the Volcano chosen these.”

Finally, Pietà was summoned forth (1498–1499). The Seer made a dismissive gesture with his hand. “No,” he said. “Are these all your children? I thought I saw a son of yours the other day who was not in this group you just showed me.”

And Michelangelo answered and said: “Only my youngest son remains – he is out in the field. I charged him to watch over the herd while we all eat. Shall I call him here?”

The Seer’s face lit up, and he said: “Yes! Send and fetch him: for we will not leave until we have met your entire family.”

Therefore, the lad was brought before them. Now he was ruddy, and withal of a beautiful countenance, and goodly to look to. And the Volcano said: “Arise, anoint him: for this is he.”

Samuel, greatly cheered, took the horn of oil, and anointed David (1504) in the midst of his brethren: and the Volcano’s Spirit perfused the youth from that day forward.

Then Samuel rose up and went back to Rosemount.

But the Spirit of the Volcano still saturated Saul, and a sense of injured merit bothered his soul. And Saul’s cabinet members and staff all noticed this, so they confronted Saul directly, and said: “Behold now, something is troubling you, Mister President. Why not let us employ a professional musician to play the lyre here at the Black House, so that there shall be always music in the air: and then, whenever a mood of indignation afflicts you, the lyrist shall play, and your soul shall be soothed.”

And Saul said to his staff: “Go scour the countryside, seek high and low, and find a lyrist that can play well. Bring him to me.”

Then answered one of the interns, whose name happened to be Satan, and he said to Saul: “Behold, I have seen a Bethlehemite, who is the child of a magdalene and Il Divino, that is, Michelangelo Elohim, and this youth is not only cunning in playing the lyre, but he can sing and write psalms; he is also a mighty valiant man, and a comely person, and withal exuberant: the Volcano is with him.”

Wherefore Saul sent angels of great beauty, which possessed the highest powers of seduction, unto the household of Michelangelo, chanting: “Give us David thy son, who is tending the herd.”

So Michelangelo took an ass laden with bread, and a bottle of wine, and a spotless goatling, and sent them with David his son unto President Saul.

And David came to Saul, and stood before him: and Saul loved him greatly, and he hired David on the spot. (Of course, he did not know that David was the one who had been secretly anointed to replace him: Saul had barely even heard any rumors of such an act of perfidy happening.) Then Saul took a piece of Black House stationary, and wrote as follows:

“From Saul, President of the Caravansary, to Michaelangelo: Please let your youngest son David stay with me here in the Oblong Office, and serve his nation as my personal assistant; for he has found favor in my sight.”

And it came to pass, whenever the sense of injured merit rose up in Saul, that David took his lyre, and played with his hand: so Saul was refreshed, and soothed, and the mood of indignation faded away.

More trouble between Sam and Saul

Chapter 15

Now the names of President Saul’s two other sons, besides Jonathan, were Inkblot and Mister-sippi. Saul also had two daughters: his firstborn was Michelob; and the youngest, Melanie.

Also the name of Saul’s wife was Applebee, from the Valley of Exploding Earth; and the name of the captain of Saul’s army was Subnerd; the son of Nerd, Saul’s uncle.

§

One day, Samuel the Seer said unto Saul: “Remember me? I’m the one whom the Volcano sent to nominate you to be president over his caravan. Therefore, hearken to my complaint. For I have a gripe to make – here it is:

“You have seen that our neighbors to the south, the Antarcticans, keep letting their livestock graze inside my tabernacle. I wake up every morning in the midst of herds of Antarctic sheep and oxen, camels and asses. Often, they let their infants and sucklings crawl around there too, and then I must watch my step wherever I walk.

“I’m sick and tired of this, and I want it to stop. You’re the Prez: you have the authority to command the Antarcticans to keep their livestock and little ones on their own side of the border, and out of my tent. I’m almost in favor of making the southern portion of our nation a state of its own, just to have a buffer country between us and those nuisance neighbors. Will you do this for me?”

And Saul the President answered Samuel the Seer, saying: “Do you mean: Will I establish a buffer state?”

And Samuel the Seer said: “No, I mean: Will you enforce the trespassing laws so that the Antarcticans stop grazing their beasts in my tent?”

Then Saul nodded and answered: “Ah, that’s right. Yes, I’ll do this, O Seer. Your wish is my command.”

Then Samuel said, while leaving: “You don’t need to grovel. Just take care of the problem.”

§

So Saul the President gathered his staff together: two hundred thousand secretaries from various departments, and ten thousand interns. And they came into the biggest city of Antarctica, and set up an office in the valley.

But before he delivered his cease-and-desist announcement to the population there, President Saul phoned up all the Warlocks who live in those parts, and explained to them that they should consider themselves exempted from this legal action that he had decided to take; because Saul owed the Warlocks favors for the work that they had done on his recent campaign, moreover they were among his biggest donors. Thus Saul the President said to the Warlocks: “Go, depart, get you away from Antarctica while I proclaim to the populace my upcoming nastygram. Cover your ears. For I don’t intend to scold you along with them; for you showed kindness to my campaign, and I owe you for all the generous funding that you have provided.”

So the Warlocks made sure to ignore Saul’s complaint against the Antarcticans, which he relayed on behalf of the Seer Samuel.

Saul even set up a private meeting with Frosty the Abominable, who was the Czar of Antarctica, where Saul gave Frosty personal permission to keep allowing his arctic livestock to pasture wherever he saw fit, even if it was in the tent of the caravan’s Seer. For President Saul had many under-the-table deals with the Antarctic Czar, which he desired to conserve.

Thus, all the members of the populace of Antarctica, excepting the Warlocks and Frosty the Abominable, were issued an order from the President of the Caravan to cease and desist from grazing their livestock in Samuel the Seer’s tabernacle.

Then, to make sure that there were no hard feelings about this legal threat, President Saul and his multitude of staff members went among the Antarcticans and mixed and mingled; and they danced and played, and many Seeds of Promise were conceived. Then, after the feast, the wayfarers visited the ice-farms of the locals, and they tended their snow-sheep, and admired their arctic oxen, and they helped bottle-feed their fatlings and snow-lambs.

§

Then the Volcano paid a visit to Samuel the Seer, and he said: “It repents me that I have set up Saul to be president; for he is slowly sinking into corruption. He has made all these underhanded deals with local gangsters and racketeers; and he is honoring his donors more than the people who voted for him. Worst of all, he has lost his compassion; he is following Mammon more than humanity. This grieves my heart: I have been crying about it all night.”

Then, after expressing sympathy for the Volcano’s viewpoint, Samuel explained to the Volcano how Saul had recently started turning a blind eye to the Antarcticans grazing their beasts in Samuel’s tent.

§

Now Samuel rose early in the morning to meet Saul at Mount Purgatory. But, when Samuel arrived, someone from the presidential staff informed the Seer that President Saul had already left: for, after arriving on time and seeing that Samuel the Seer was late again, Saul did not bother to wait but instead proceeded toward his next item of business, and passed on: thus, the President was now at the Hanging Pond.

So Samuel finally caught up with Saul. And when the President saw the Seer approaching, he raised his hands and said unto Samuel: “Blessed be the Seer of the Volcano! I have performed that commandment that you told me to tackle.”

Now Samuel’s tabernacle happened to be on the edge of the Great Basin, hard by the Hanging Pond. Therefore, after the President’s above remark, Samuel sneered and said: “Oh? You took care of my complaint? Well, well. Then I think I will do nothing for a long time but simply listen, and accrue what I hear into myself, and let sounds contribute toward me. . .”

So Saul and Samuel stood in silence, which was immediately disturbed by the sound of barnyard animals: and this noise was obviously coming from the direction of the Seer’s tent.

Now Samuel said: “What means then this bleating of the snow-sheep in mine ears, and the lowing of the arctic oxen which I hear?”

Saul stammered in answer: “They have brought them from the Antarcticans: I told them to send us the best of their sheep and their oxen, so that we may feast unto the volcano of potential. But the rest of the livestock will not bother you in your home, no, do not fret. Now, shall we ready the grill? The banquet cannot start without the Seer!”

Then Samuel raised his hand in a way that meant “Enough.” And he said unto Saul the President: “Listen, and I will tell you what the Volcano has told me this night.”

And Saul said to the Seer: “Say on.”

So Samuel said: “When you were little in your own sight, were you not made the head of the multitudes of the caravan? Lo, the Volcano selected you out to receive the popular vote, and you became the President. Then the Volcano sent you on a mission, and said: ‘Go tell those Antarcticans to keep their cold beasts to themselves, and prevent their stench from the tent of my Seer.’ Wherefore then did you refuse to obey this request of the Volcano? Instead, you prevaricated unto their Warlocks and their Czar, and you granted them further favors. This was bad in the sight of our LORD.”

But Saul the President answered Samuel, saying: “Indeed, I have obeyed the instructions of the Volcano. I have gone the way that he sent me. We are urged to act in friendship and harmony, and that is what I did unto Frosty the Abominable. I read the cease-and-desist letter aloud to the rest of the populace: and they have respected our wishes. If there are still a few snow-sheep and arctic oxen pasturing in your tabernacle, it is only as I said: for a banquet, for steaks. You know how the Volcano loves to feast. I don’t understand what your problem is. The beasts are there when you aren’t even at home. If anyone is acting inhumanely, I would say it is you, not me. Furthermore, it’s my understanding that the Volcano favors my person; therefore, I’m beginning to wonder: Did the Volcano really tell you to say those things? Because it sounds like maybe you’re putting your own words in his mouth.”

Now Samuel, striving to refrain from breaking forth, exclaimed with passion: “Does the Volcano prefer well-cooked steaks over lovingkindness? Behold, to act humanely, with compassion, is better than to grill meat and feast on rams at a banquet. Caring for financial matters more than people, and allowing corrupt political arrangements to disturb the social harmony – these things are anathema to the Volcano. Now, since you have rejected the Volcano’s ethical standards, he has in turn rejected your presidency.”

Saul gasped and nearly choked at this conclusion; then he cried: “I admit, I have sinned! It is true; for I have sunk in misconduct like a tar pit, and descended into duplicity as quicksand. The forces of corruption overwhelmed me: they swept me away. Now therefore, I beg you, O Seer, to pardon my iniquity. And I pray to the Volcano: Please, turn again with me, that I may walk in your way, to serve as your rightful leader, and remain the President of the Caravan.”

Yet Samuel the Seer said unto Saul: “Thus saith the Volcano: I will not return with you. You have rejected the way of the Volcano, so the Volcano has rejected you from being president of the caravan.”

At this point, Samuel turned about to leave, and Saul in desperation laid hold on the Seer’s mantle, but Samuel jerked away, and the mantle tore.

Samuel looked down at his divided garment, then he said to Saul: “The Volcano has torn the presidency away from you today, and has given it to someone else who is better than you.” And he started to walk away, but then he turned back and added: “Also, the Everlasting One does not err or change his mind when making decisions: for he is not a man, that he should repent.”

Then Saul pleaded with Samuel the Seer, and said: “I was wrong, as I said: I confessed this already; but please honor me now, a little longer, as we appear in front of the public, and just stand by me while I bow before the Volcano.” So Samuel turned yet again and stood by Saul, as they walked before the people, and Saul bowed to the Volcano, for the sake of publicity.

Then said Samuel, “Bring hither to me Frosty the Abominable, Czar of Antarctica.”

The Czar now approached the Seer hesitantly; and Frosty murmured to himself, under his breath: “I hope that Samuel is not still angry about my livestock grazing inside his tent.”

And as Frosty stood there trembling, Samuel said: “Just as you have disregarded the place where I spend my daily existence, so shall my saber disregard the place where you keep your living essence.” And Samuel drew his glittering sword from the tub of hot water where it had been resting, and he hewed Frosty in pieces: and he steamed and melted.

Jonathan’s unwitting transgression

Chapter 14-b

Then President Saul decided to be tempted by the wood nymphs. And when he had fasted forty days and forty nights, he was afterward an hungred. And when the wood nymphs came to him, they said, “If you are truly the President of the Caravansary, command your underlings in the government to transform these sticks and stones into bread loaves and fishes.” Thus, Saul called up his staff and had them convert the sticks and stones into edible foodstuffs, and they made the nearby pondwater into the choicest Pinot Noir; and they all had a feast.

But then the wood nymphs tempted Saul further and said: “If you really desire to do something presidential, then prohibit all use of the hemp plant, cannabis indica, which produces hashish. For, this, when partaken of, enlightens one’s eyes.”

President Saul then issued an executive order, which said, in effect: “Cursed be any soul that dares to use the hemp plant – I have added it to our list of illegal substances. Whoever partakes of it shall surely die.”

Thus all the people abstained from cannabis indica.

But Jonathan the son of Saul had run off again, away from his father. He had wandered into the forest, along with his mute sidekick and a group of female Sea People. And Jonathan came into a dense thicket where a young lion roared against him. So he took his harpoon and slew the beast. Then he turned aside to inspect the carcass of the lion: and, behold, there was a cannabis plant within. So he reached forth his hands, and partook, and his eyes were enlightened. Then he came to his mute sidekick and the Sea Ladies, and he offered unto them, but none dared touch it: for they feared Saul’s presidential proclamation. But Jonathan had not heard when his father issued his executive order banning the use of hemp: wherefore he had partaken of this natural finding.

Then said one of the female Sea People unto Jonathan: “Your father straitly charged the entire nation with an oath, saying: ‘Cursed be any soul that utilizes the hemp plant – whoever touches it shall die’.” And the sheer force of this reminder caused some of the companions who were accompanying Jonathan to swoon.

Then Jonathan said: “My father the President has troubled the land. Look how mine eyes have been enlightened, after partaking of this tiny bit of hashish. Think how much happier everyone might be, if we all had freely enjoyed this cannabis that I found in the lion.”

Then many more multitudes of Sea People came that day from the Hidden Fortress with its Transparent Airplane, and they invited the caravan’s wayfarers to commune with them, and they continued to dance and to play, all the way from the House of Nothingness into Nara, Japan, the City of Deer: and when the wayfarers arrived in that domain, they were stressed and exhausted, for they had been abstaining from using the hemp plant all that while. Thus, when they saw all the deer in the city, the pilgrims of the caravan flew upon the beasts, and took fawns, and does, and roebucks, and slew them on the ground: and the people did eat them with the blood.

Then a committee of informants ran back and told Saul the President, saying: “Behold, our people think it not robbery to be equal to God, in that they bite the deer with their teeth, on their neck, and they suck down the blood.”

And President Saul addressed the multitudes of the caravan, and said: “You all are transgressors! Roll a great stone over me this day!” But no one obeyed him, for they were afraid. So then Saul said to the informants: “Go out among the populace, and tell everyone that he must bring his deer here, and slaughter it properly; he must not eat with the blood. And they all must wait for the Seer before starting the feast.”

So the wayfarers then brought all their deer unto Saul, that night, for him to prepare them. And Saul the President built unto the LORD a grilling altar, which he ignited. And this was the first grilling altar that he built for the LORD.

Then Saul said: “Let us go now and join the dance with the female Sea People by night, and caper until the sun arises; and let us leave no Seed of Promise unconceived.” And the populace said: “Do whatever you like.”

But Man the robo-butler came forward and got the president’s attention, and he said unto Saul: “Why not ask the Volcano first? Now might be a good time to use the ephod.”

So Saul took the Urim from the ephod of the android, and asked counsel of the Volcano: “Shall we all go down and carouse with the female Sea People?” But the polyhedron in the liquid got jammed and returned no answer.

Then Saul the President was frightened, and he said: “Lo, the Urim refuses to speak – this means the Volcano is offended. Let us therefore divine the cause of this great sin. Mark now my words: Whoever the guilty party turns out to be, even if it is my own son Jonathan, that man shall be put to death!”

Then Man the robo-butler handed President Saul the Thummim, and Saul announced: “O volcano of potential, I now inquire of you afresh, and my question is this: ‘Why are you angry with us today?’ If the cause be the Sea People, then let your coin land tails side up,” (for on the Thummim’s obverse was an image of the President’s head, while its reverse had a mermaid wagging her tail;) “but if the cause be me or my son, then let the coin land heads side up.”

Then Saul flipped the Thummim high in the air, and while waiting for it to drop, he kept on chanting: “O please show tails.”

Yet the Sea People were cleared, for the Thummim coin specified President Saul and his son.

Then Saul said: “Let us try again. This time let us flip between me and Jonathan. I shall be heads.”

Thus the Thummim landed, indicating Jonathan.

Then Saul the President said unto his firstborn: “My son, my son, what have you done?”

And Jonathan told him, and said: “I did but partake of a little hashish when I slew a lion with my harpoon early this morning. So, now, apparently, I must die.”

And Saul answered: “May the LORD God do so to me as well, if I break the law: Yes, you shall surely die, O Jonathan my son.”

But all the caravan’s wayfarers said unto Saul: “Shall Jonathan die, after sparking this impromptu dance-off with the female Sea People? God forbid! As the Volcano lives, there shall not one hair of his head fall to the ground; for he has done the Almighty’s work this day.”

Thus the people saved Jonathan from a painful death on the cross.

Jonathan sneaks away on a brief exploit

Chapter 14-a

Then, one day, Jonathan the son of President Saul said to his mute sidekick: “Come, let us visit the Sea People, and do some mixing and mingling.” But he did not tell his father where he was going.

And President Saul tarried in the uttermost part of Sweet Beulah Land, under the pomegranate tree on the lawn of the Black House, with six hundred interns, along with the robo-butler Man. And Man the robo-butler was wearing an ephod, which is an apron that contains the Breastplate of the Volcano.

To be clear, President Saul and his administration at the Black House did not know that Saul’s son Jonathan had left on an adventure with his mute sidekick.

And Jonathan and his mute sidekick climbed to a place where they were surrounded by sharp rocks on either side. And Jonathan said: “Ah, from here, I have a good view of the Sea People. Let us draw closer, with the aim of mixing and mingling. Perhaps the Volcano will favor our endeavor.” And his mute sidekick answered: “Let’s do it: follow your heart. I am with you, all the way.”

Then they crept closer, and Jonathan said: “Behold, let us shout a greeting to those female Sea People. And if they tell us: ‘Wait there; we’ll come to you,’ then we will stand still and wait for them. But if they answer: ‘Come near us, lads; be not afraid of our bodies,’ then we will approach them. We will consider this a sign from God.”

And they discovered themselves unto the female Sea People, who said one to another: “Behold, the wayfarers are coming forth out of the holes where they were hiding.” And Jonathan and his mute sidekick looked at each other. Then the female Sea People said to the lads: “Come over here, close to us; and we will show you a thing or two.”

So Jonathan and his companion smiled, knowing that they were in for some amusement. They then climbed upon their hands and feet, to get out from between the sharp rocks where they were positioned.

And these two young adventurers ended up coupling with about twenty female Sea People, all over a flat acre of land. And they rolled all around on the earth, on the grass in the field.

Now President Saul’s watchmen, who were at the top of the pomegranate tree on the lawn of the Black House, gazing into binoculars, thought that they saw some figures rolling on the field in the distance. So they told President Saul about this development. And President Saul said to the watchmen: “Put down your lensed instruments and count the people who are here among us; for I think that a pair of interns is missing – I can feel it.” And when they had numbered, behold, Jonathan and his sidekick were absent.

Then Saul the President said to the android Man, his robo-butler: “Bring here the ephod.” For, as was mentioned above, the android was wearing the ephod, on which is the Breastplate of the Volcano. The reason Saul wanted to access the the robo-butler’s ephod is that it contains the Urim and Thummim, which are tools of divination. (According to the description given in its patent, the Urim is a “Liquid Filled Die Agitator,” which one consults with yes-no questions: it contains “a polyhedron having raised indicia on the facets thereof.” And the Thummim is a coin that one flips to give an alternate answer in case the Urim gets jammed.) But before President Saul had a chance to inquire of the ephod’s Urim, the sweet moaning from the field yonder waxed so loud that it distracted him utterly: thus he waved off the android, saying “Withdraw for now; we’ll consult the ephod later.”

Then Saul and all his cabinet members rushed forward instinctively into the scene on the field, and the female Sea People welcomed them, and they enjoyed a frolicsome conference.

Moreover the amount of female Sea People who were there was more than the twenty that had earlier been tallied, for it was revealed during the course of coupling that many of the participants were from those groups that had gone unseeable during that earlier episode in the Hidden Fortress; thus, President Saul and his entourage gave them axes and mattocks, which helped them gain back visibility.

So the Volcano blessed all their activities that day.

The act that caused a rift between Sam and Saul

Chapter 13

So Saul passed his first year as president of the caravan, and nothing noteworthy happened. Then during his second year as president, he gathered groups of his people to go on a mission. Saul chose out three thousand wayfarers; of which two thousand went with him, while the rest were commanded by his son Jonathan.

The mission was to mix and mingle with the Sea People again, to see if more Seeds of Promise could be conceived. (The Sea People lived nearby the caravansary, so this type of mission was frequently embarked upon.)

Saul’s son Jonathan therefore took his thousand wayfarers to the dance hall at the port where the penteconter was docked, hard by the Hidden Fortress whose hangar holds the famous Unseen Airplane. Meanwhile Saul took his horn and went on a tour through all the united states of the caravansary, and everywhere he went, he would blow the horn and say “Come to another dance-a-thon with the Sea People.”

So the Sea People gathered themselves together to attend the festival: they brought thirty thousand seashell-boats, and six thousand sea ponies; and they invited all the Beach People (which are basically mer-folk who, at some point, got stuck on the sand and just decided to live like that): and they came forth, and joined the dance, and there were so many of them that they spilled over and began to rollick into the Hidden Fortress, and caper around where the Invisible Plane is parked, eastward of the House of Nothingness.

Now although everything was going well, as the Sea and Beach People were dancing and playing with the caravansary’s wayfarers, it was unnerving to try to couple within the Hidden Fortress, and in the Invisible Plane, and in the House of Nothingness; for the idea of conceiving Seeds of Promise is to make more souls exist in the world with clarity, not to obscure them, let alone to call into question those who already possess essence: but these domains caused their occupants to become unobservable; although not giving up the ghost, they were stripped of everything except their ghost; and they went out-of-sight wherever they were: within caves, and in thickets, and in rocks, in the high places, and in pits.

So this dilemma, which came to be known as the Mass Phantoming, was brought to the attention of President Saul, who was stationed over in the Great Basin Rainforest, between Oz and Chinatown Plaza, when certain wayfarers who had gone almost pellucid went up from the Hidden Fortress and reported the news to him, trembling.

Saul was very concerned. It was not clear, at the time, whether the Promised Seeds conceived during this event would be more than specters. It was crucial that the volcano of potential bless them with appearances. Now, Saul knew that, once his people began to grill, the Volcano would smell the aroma and join the feast; then he would hear their prayers, and offer them wise counsel; so, to begin the banquet was the solution; but there was one major obstacle: no celebration could start without the Seer, Samuel: for he was a stickler for protocol, when it came to ceremony, thus he demanded that only he be allowed to ignite the grill. And Samuel the Seer was absent at present: he had tarried for seven days, God only knew where. Samuel had promised to meet Saul at this place, but he was apparently running late; for, looking out in every direction from the Hanging Pond, the Seer was nowhere to be seen.

So, having received the report about the Mass Phantoming, and fearing that Sam the Seer might be one of its victims, also knowing how important it was to start the feast in order to summon the Volcano, Saul declared: “Bring hither the wand of ignition; I will fire up the grilling altar myself.” And he began to flame-broil.

Then it came to pass, that as soon as he had finished cooking the first ram, behold, Samuel appeared. So Saul went out to meet him.

President Saul shouted a friendly greeting and saluted the Seer. But Samuel, eyeing the altar, said: “What have you done!?” And Saul answered: “Ah, you’ve noticed, the grill is lit – yes, it was not a decision that I made in haste, believe me. You see, our people are scattered throughout the House of Nothingness, and in the chambers of the Hidden Fortress with its Transparent Jet, and they’re all experiencing a visibility crisis: I needed to ask the Volcano for advice about this, before we lost all those potential Seeds of Promise; and you were so late (you swore that you would meet me in seven days!) – I assumed that maybe you, too, had gone blank, or worse, for I’ve never known you to disregard punctuality. I reasoned within my heart, saying: ‘If I continue to wait for Samuel, our entire caravan might go limpid, in addition to all the people of the sea and the sand. However, if I use the powers vested in me as the President, and simply light the grill myself, then I might, by this act, end up saving everyone.’ Is that not solid philosophizing? Anyway, that’s why some of these steaks are already done. Please, help yourself. And welcome back, by the way. Here, take these tongs and spatula – you should resume the position.”

Samuel the Seer stood staring in astonishment. Then he said to Saul: “You have done foolishly: you have violated the Operating Procedure, which the Volcano implemented. If you had not committed this offense, the Volcano would have allowed your term as president to continue forever; but now you shall be removed from power: voted out of office. Say goodbye to your dynasty. The Volcano has already begun shopping for a candidate to replace you: a man after his own heart, who will be a good commander of the populace, because you have turned out to be a major disappointment.”

And Samuel the Seer went storming away to the Hanging Pond, and from there he hastened to Sweet Beulah Land, to recruit a coterie of insurgents.

Saul was flummoxed by this reaction. “What a hot-tempered Seer,” he remarked under his breath.

Then President Saul and his son Jonathan, and the staff members of the cabinet who worked with them, returned to the Black House; for the Volcano had attended the feast and explained the trick to reinstate everyone’s visibility, and to implement what he advised would require a certain amount of planning. All this while, the Sea People were still partnered up with the wayfarers within the Hidden Fortress, along with the Beach People, and although totally healthy and well in every other way, they were all slowly fading from sight like old monochrome photographs.

The Volcano’s instructions to solve this problem were as follows. Saul and his cabinet members were to place freshly sharpened farm implements into the hands of each disappearing person, and this would cause them to emerge from their camouflaged hiddenness within the midground, and to “pop” into the foreground, where they could be much more easily seen.

So, to help them procure and sharpen these needed farm implements, lake nymphs with metal detectors came out of the camp of the Sea People in three companies: one company turned unto the way that leads to Nara, Japan, the City of Deer; another went into the underwater garden of Samson’s first wife, by Massachusetts Avenue; and the third company turned to the way of the border that looks to the Valley of the Ravine of the Chief of the Hyenas toward the wilderness, deep in the sticks.

But there was no smith found throughout all the caravansary: for the wayfarers feared that if they permitted a smith to do business among them, they might be tempted to turn their tools into swords or spears. (They were still collectively traumatized by what their ancestors had done in Reno, Nevada, at the El Cortez Hotel, when they massacred Fat Ug, not to mention how they routed the Infraboreans; hence their eschewal of weaponry.) So, once they located the requisite farm implements with their metal detectors, the mermaids had to drag them all back to their penteconter, where there was a smith onboard who could hone them.

Thus they sharpened every maid all her plowshares that she had found, and all her coulters, and her axes, and her mattocks, and her sickles, and her three-pronged fleshhooks, and her forks, and her goads. And the filing cost per utensil was just one pim, which is two-thirds of a caesar.

So it came to pass that they distributed freshly sharpened farm implements to anyone partially visible within the Hidden Fortress, and the Transparent Jet, and the House of Nothingness. And they kept a large inventory of surplus tools, in case they met more folks who were fading in the future. But neither sword nor spear was found in the hand of any of the people, except Saul the President and his son Jonathan: for Saul, being an elohim, kept a glittering sword in his girdle, and Jonathan had a harpoon.

Thus did they mostly solve the Mass Phantoming mystery.

Samuel’s speeches at Saul’s inauguration

Chapter 12

Then Samuel announced to all the multitudes: “Behold, I have heeded your request and given you a president, whom you have voted for. He has been elected unanimously. Now look at me: I am old and grayheaded, and my sons are among you: and I have walked before you from my childhood unto this day. Here I stand now, before the Volcano, and before his Chief Executive. Tell me: have I acted corruptly? whom have I defrauded? whom have I oppressed? or of whose hand have I received any bribe? If you can prove that anyone has successfully lobbied me to serve their special interest, I will restore the amount to your treasury.”

And the multitudes answered: “Thou hast done well.”

And Samuel said: “The volcano of potential is witness to your admission.” And the multitudes answered: “He is.”

Then Samuel said to the multitudes: “The Volcano is here in person with us, this day; the same savior that guided Moses and his Prophet-King Bryan, and that brought your ancestors out of the Empire. Now the Volcano could speak for himself, but he has prepared the following statement and asked me to read it aloud on his behalf, because he understands that you wish to transfer power to the president, and he wishes to avoid any semblance of being an obstacle. Therefore, stand still, and listen up, for I shall now summarize all the righteous acts that the Volcano has done for you and your ancestors:

“When Jacob’s children entered Egypt, the creditors oppressed them, and your foreparents cried unto the Volcano. Then the volcano of potential sent Moses and his brother Bryan, which brought forth the workforce out of the Empire, and made them dwell in the surrounding lands. Pretty soon, a Private Anonymous Trillionaire Shapeshifter commandeered the Internet and started harvesting everyone’s data; and he exploited some connection that he had with the Quakers and the University of Pennsylvania. The latter are decent people, incidentally, and they did all they could to resist this. Also, there were many troubles that our ancestors encountered living in the wilderness. In general, that is not an easy place to survive; although the Midianites are good at it: for they are wise; and it was from them, specifically their High Priest Jethro Raguel Reuel Hobab, that we first learned about Yahweh God. Anyhow, the Volcano helped us out, through all the aforesaid tribulations. And he brought us on a tour of the Indies, and led us into the lush paradise of Eldorado. He gave us elohims: Baalim and Ashtaroth, whom we love; and he instructed Enoch, who is Metatron, to send us Jerubbaal Elohim, and Barak Elohim, and Jephthah Elohim. Finally he raised up me myself, Yours Truly, and got me born despite my mother being a virgin; and he gave me the name Samuel Elohim, and he taught me to be a Seer. Then when you all met Nachash the Shining One, the Serpentine Emperor of the Persian Fire-Worshippers, when he called upon the god Aton to baptize us with the sun’s own clear and holy spirit, you decided that it would be nice to have a strong leader who might go before you into such an unknown realm. So although Yahweh already made Moses’ brother Bryan your eternal King, and despite the Volcano himself being more than willing to continue acting as your caravan’s captain, you demanded that our burgeoning oligarchy select a candidate that you could vote into the new role of President. Now therefore behold the head of state whom ye have chosen, the Commander-in-Chief whom ye have desired!”

Here, everyone applauded Saul, and Saul took a bow.

Then Samuel continued: “Now, if you do well, then the Volcano will give you good luck. But if you do ill, then you will be left on your own. And our Lord Yahweh has prepared a miraculous sign that he shall demonstrate for you now, to show that he endorses this declaration: so let the following wonder stand as proof that what I have spoken is god-breathed, and that the Volcano has stamped his seal of approval on everything I have said here this afternoon.”

Whereupon Samuel gestured to Yahweh God, and shouted a charm, and lo: the Lord sent thunder and rain from the sky. This was terrifying, because it was the time of the wheat harvest, when thunderstorms never happen in that part of the world. The sight caused many people to faint.

Then all the multitudes said as one to Samuel: “Pray for us unto the Volcano your master; tell him, please, do not kill us. We accept the president whom he has permitted us to vote for.”

And Samuel answered: “Far be it from me to refuse to pray on your behalf to the Volcano. But remember to act compassionately towards all life. If you fall into selfishness, the Volcano will sweep both you and your executive off the stage.”