Chapter 15
Now the names of President Saul’s two other sons, besides Jonathan, were Inkblot and Mister-sippi. Saul also had two daughters: his firstborn was Michelob; and the youngest, Melanie.
Also the name of Saul’s wife was Applebee, from the Valley of Exploding Earth; and the name of the captain of Saul’s army was Subnerd; the son of Nerd, Saul’s uncle.
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One day, Samuel the Seer said unto Saul: “Remember me? I’m the one whom the Volcano sent to nominate you to be president over his caravan. Therefore, hearken to my complaint. For I have a gripe to make – here it is:
“You have seen that our neighbors to the south, the Antarcticans, keep letting their livestock graze inside my tabernacle. I wake up every morning in the midst of herds of Antarctic sheep and oxen, camels and asses. Often, they let their infants and sucklings crawl around there too, and then I must watch my step wherever I walk.
“I’m sick and tired of this, and I want it to stop. You’re the Prez: you have the authority to command the Antarcticans to keep their livestock and little ones on their own side of the border, and out of my tent. I’m almost in favor of making the southern portion of our nation a state of its own, just to have a buffer country between us and those nuisance neighbors. Will you do this for me?”
And Saul the President answered Samuel the Seer, saying: “Do you mean: Will I establish a buffer state?”
And Samuel the Seer said: “No, I mean: Will you enforce the trespassing laws so that the Antarcticans stop grazing their beasts in my tent?”
Then Saul nodded and answered: “Ah, that’s right. Yes, I’ll do this, O Seer. Your wish is my command.”
Then Samuel said, while leaving: “You don’t need to grovel. Just take care of the problem.”
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So Saul the President gathered his staff together: two hundred thousand secretaries from various departments, and ten thousand interns. And they came into the biggest city of Antarctica, and set up an office in the valley.
But before he delivered his cease-and-desist announcement to the population there, President Saul phoned up all the Warlocks who live in those parts, and explained to them that they should consider themselves exempted from this legal action that he had decided to take; because Saul owed the Warlocks favors for the work that they had done on his recent campaign, moreover they were among his biggest donors. Thus Saul the President said to the Warlocks: “Go, depart, get you away from Antarctica while I proclaim to the populace my upcoming nastygram. Cover your ears. For I don’t intend to scold you along with them; for you showed kindness to my campaign, and I owe you for all the generous funding that you have provided.”
So the Warlocks made sure to ignore Saul’s complaint against the Antarcticans, which he relayed on behalf of the Seer Samuel.
Saul even set up a private meeting with Frosty the Abominable, who was the Czar of Antarctica, where Saul gave Frosty personal permission to keep allowing his arctic livestock to pasture wherever he saw fit, even if it was in the tent of the caravan’s Seer. For President Saul had many under-the-table deals with the Antarctic Czar, which he desired to conserve.
Thus, all the members of the populace of Antarctica, excepting the Warlocks and Frosty the Abominable, were issued an order from the President of the Caravan to cease and desist from grazing their livestock in Samuel the Seer’s tabernacle.
Then, to make sure that there were no hard feelings about this legal threat, President Saul and his multitude of staff members went among the Antarcticans and mixed and mingled; and they danced and played, and many Seeds of Promise were conceived. Then, after the feast, the wayfarers visited the ice-farms of the locals, and they tended their snow-sheep, and admired their arctic oxen, and they helped bottle-feed their fatlings and snow-lambs.
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Then the Volcano paid a visit to Samuel the Seer, and he said: “It repents me that I have set up Saul to be president; for he is slowly sinking into corruption. He has made all these underhanded deals with local gangsters and racketeers; and he is honoring his donors more than the people who voted for him. Worst of all, he has lost his compassion; he is following Mammon more than humanity. This grieves my heart: I have been crying about it all night.”
Then, after expressing sympathy for the Volcano’s viewpoint, Samuel explained to the Volcano how Saul had recently started turning a blind eye to the Antarcticans grazing their beasts in Samuel’s tent.
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Now Samuel rose early in the morning to meet Saul at Mount Purgatory. But, when Samuel arrived, someone from the presidential staff informed the Seer that President Saul had already left: for, after arriving on time and seeing that Samuel the Seer was late again, Saul did not bother to wait but instead proceeded toward his next item of business, and passed on: thus, the President was now at the Hanging Pond.
So Samuel finally caught up with Saul. And when the President saw the Seer approaching, he raised his hands and said unto Samuel: “Blessed be the Seer of the Volcano! I have performed that commandment that you told me to tackle.”
Now Samuel’s tabernacle happened to be on the edge of the Great Basin, hard by the Hanging Pond. Therefore, after the President’s above remark, Samuel sneered and said: “Oh? You took care of my complaint? Well, well. Then I think I will do nothing for a long time but simply listen, and accrue what I hear into myself, and let sounds contribute toward me. . .”
So Saul and Samuel stood in silence, which was immediately disturbed by the sound of barnyard animals: and this noise was obviously coming from the direction of the Seer’s tent.
Now Samuel said: “What means then this bleating of the snow-sheep in mine ears, and the lowing of the arctic oxen which I hear?”
Saul stammered in answer: “They have brought them from the Antarcticans: I told them to send us the best of their sheep and their oxen, so that we may feast unto the volcano of potential. But the rest of the livestock will not bother you in your home, no, do not fret. Now, shall we ready the grill? The banquet cannot start without the Seer!”
Then Samuel raised his hand in a way that meant “Enough.” And he said unto Saul the President: “Listen, and I will tell you what the Volcano has told me this night.”
And Saul said to the Seer: “Say on.”
So Samuel said: “When you were little in your own sight, were you not made the head of the multitudes of the caravan? Lo, the Volcano selected you out to receive the popular vote, and you became the President. Then the Volcano sent you on a mission, and said: ‘Go tell those Antarcticans to keep their cold beasts to themselves, and prevent their stench from the tent of my Seer.’ Wherefore then did you refuse to obey this request of the Volcano? Instead, you prevaricated unto their Warlocks and their Czar, and you granted them further favors. This was bad in the sight of our LORD.”
But Saul the President answered Samuel, saying: “Indeed, I have obeyed the instructions of the Volcano. I have gone the way that he sent me. We are urged to act in friendship and harmony, and that is what I did unto Frosty the Abominable. I read the cease-and-desist letter aloud to the rest of the populace: and they have respected our wishes. If there are still a few snow-sheep and arctic oxen pasturing in your tabernacle, it is only as I said: for a banquet, for steaks. You know how the Volcano loves to feast. I don’t understand what your problem is. The beasts are there when you aren’t even at home. If anyone is acting inhumanely, I would say it is you, not me. Furthermore, it’s my understanding that the Volcano favors my person; therefore, I’m beginning to wonder: Did the Volcano really tell you to say those things? Because it sounds like maybe you’re putting your own words in his mouth.”
Now Samuel, striving to refrain from breaking forth, exclaimed with passion: “Does the Volcano prefer well-cooked steaks over lovingkindness? Behold, to act humanely, with compassion, is better than to grill meat and feast on rams at a banquet. Caring for financial matters more than people, and allowing corrupt political arrangements to disturb the social harmony – these things are anathema to the Volcano. Now, since you have rejected the Volcano’s ethical standards, he has in turn rejected your presidency.”
Saul gasped and nearly choked at this conclusion; then he cried: “I admit, I have sinned! It is true; for I have sunk in misconduct like a tar pit, and descended into duplicity as quicksand. The forces of corruption overwhelmed me: they swept me away. Now therefore, I beg you, O Seer, to pardon my iniquity. And I pray to the Volcano: Please, turn again with me, that I may walk in your way, to serve as your rightful leader, and remain the President of the Caravan.”
Yet Samuel the Seer said unto Saul: “Thus saith the Volcano: I will not return with you. You have rejected the way of the Volcano, so the Volcano has rejected you from being president of the caravan.”
At this point, Samuel turned about to leave, and Saul in desperation laid hold on the Seer’s mantle, but Samuel jerked away, and the mantle tore.
Samuel looked down at his divided garment, then he said to Saul: “The Volcano has torn the presidency away from you today, and has given it to someone else who is better than you.” And he started to walk away, but then he turned back and added: “Also, the Everlasting One does not err or change his mind when making decisions: for he is not a man, that he should repent.”
Then Saul pleaded with Samuel the Seer, and said: “I was wrong, as I said: I confessed this already; but please honor me now, a little longer, as we appear in front of the public, and just stand by me while I bow before the Volcano.” So Samuel turned yet again and stood by Saul, as they walked before the people, and Saul bowed to the Volcano, for the sake of publicity.
Then said Samuel, “Bring hither to me Frosty the Abominable, Czar of Antarctica.”
The Czar now approached the Seer hesitantly; and Frosty murmured to himself, under his breath: “I hope that Samuel is not still angry about my livestock grazing inside his tent.”
And as Frosty stood there trembling, Samuel said: “Just as you have disregarded the place where I spend my daily existence, so shall my saber disregard the place where you keep your living essence.” And Samuel drew his glittering sword from the tub of hot water where it had been resting, and he hewed Frosty in pieces: and he steamed and melted.
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