Chapter 14-b
Then President Saul decided to be tempted by the wood nymphs. And when he had fasted forty days and forty nights, he was afterward an hungred. And when the wood nymphs came to him, they said, “If you are truly the President of the Caravansary, command your underlings in the government to transform these sticks and stones into bread loaves and fishes.” Thus, Saul called up his staff and had them convert the sticks and stones into edible foodstuffs, and they made the nearby pondwater into the choicest Pinot Noir; and they all had a feast.
But then the wood nymphs tempted Saul further and said: “If you really desire to do something presidential, then prohibit all use of the hemp plant, cannabis indica, which produces hashish. For, this, when partaken of, enlightens one’s eyes.”
President Saul then issued an executive order, which said, in effect: “Cursed be any soul that dares to use the hemp plant – I have added it to our list of illegal substances. Whoever partakes of it shall surely die.”
Thus all the people abstained from cannabis indica.
But Jonathan the son of Saul had run off again, away from his father. He had wandered into the forest, along with his mute sidekick and a group of female Sea People. And Jonathan came into a dense thicket where a young lion roared against him. So he took his harpoon and slew the beast. Then he turned aside to inspect the carcass of the lion: and, behold, there was a cannabis plant within. So he reached forth his hands, and partook, and his eyes were enlightened. Then he came to his mute sidekick and the Sea Ladies, and he offered unto them, but none dared touch it: for they feared Saul’s presidential proclamation. But Jonathan had not heard when his father issued his executive order banning the use of hemp: wherefore he had partaken of this natural finding.
Then said one of the female Sea People unto Jonathan: “Your father straitly charged the entire nation with an oath, saying: ‘Cursed be any soul that utilizes the hemp plant – whoever touches it shall die’.” And the sheer force of this reminder caused some of the companions who were accompanying Jonathan to swoon.
Then Jonathan said: “My father the President has troubled the land. Look how mine eyes have been enlightened, after partaking of this tiny bit of hashish. Think how much happier everyone might be, if we all had freely enjoyed this cannabis that I found in the lion.”
Then many more multitudes of Sea People came that day from the Hidden Fortress with its Transparent Airplane, and they invited the caravan’s wayfarers to commune with them, and they continued to dance and to play, all the way from the House of Nothingness into Nara, Japan, the City of Deer: and when the wayfarers arrived in that domain, they were stressed and exhausted, for they had been abstaining from using the hemp plant all that while. Thus, when they saw all the deer in the city, the pilgrims of the caravan flew upon the beasts, and took fawns, and does, and roebucks, and slew them on the ground: and the people did eat them with the blood.
Then a committee of informants ran back and told Saul the President, saying: “Behold, our people think it not robbery to be equal to God, in that they bite the deer with their teeth, on their neck, and they suck down the blood.”
And President Saul addressed the multitudes of the caravan, and said: “You all are transgressors! Roll a great stone over me this day!” But no one obeyed him, for they were afraid. So then Saul said to the informants: “Go out among the populace, and tell everyone that he must bring his deer here, and slaughter it properly; he must not eat with the blood. And they all must wait for the Seer before starting the feast.”
So the wayfarers then brought all their deer unto Saul, that night, for him to prepare them. And Saul the President built unto the LORD a grilling altar, which he ignited. And this was the first grilling altar that he built for the LORD.
Then Saul said: “Let us go now and join the dance with the female Sea People by night, and caper until the sun arises; and let us leave no Seed of Promise unconceived.” And the populace said: “Do whatever you like.”
But Man the robo-butler came forward and got the president’s attention, and he said unto Saul: “Why not ask the Volcano first? Now might be a good time to use the ephod.”
So Saul took the Urim from the ephod of the android, and asked counsel of the Volcano: “Shall we all go down and carouse with the female Sea People?” But the polyhedron in the liquid got jammed and returned no answer.
Then Saul the President was frightened, and he said: “Lo, the Urim refuses to speak – this means the Volcano is offended. Let us therefore divine the cause of this great sin. Mark now my words: Whoever the guilty party turns out to be, even if it is my own son Jonathan, that man shall be put to death!”
Then Man the robo-butler handed President Saul the Thummim, and Saul announced: “O volcano of potential, I now inquire of you afresh, and my question is this: ‘Why are you angry with us today?’ If the cause be the Sea People, then let your coin land tails side up,” (for on the Thummim’s obverse was an image of the President’s head, while its reverse had a mermaid wagging her tail;) “but if the cause be me or my son, then let the coin land heads side up.”
Then Saul flipped the Thummim high in the air, and while waiting for it to drop, he kept on chanting: “O please show tails.”
Yet the Sea People were cleared, for the Thummim coin specified President Saul and his son.
Then Saul said: “Let us try again. This time let us flip between me and Jonathan. I shall be heads.”
Thus the Thummim landed, indicating Jonathan.
Then Saul the President said unto his firstborn: “My son, my son, what have you done?”
And Jonathan told him, and said: “I did but partake of a little hashish when I slew a lion with my harpoon early this morning. So, now, apparently, I must die.”
And Saul answered: “May the LORD God do so to me as well, if I break the law: Yes, you shall surely die, O Jonathan my son.”
But all the caravan’s wayfarers said unto Saul: “Shall Jonathan die, after sparking this impromptu dance-off with the female Sea People? God forbid! As the Volcano lives, there shall not one hair of his head fall to the ground; for he has done the Almighty’s work this day.”
Thus the people saved Jonathan from a painful death on the cross.
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