Samuel’s speeches at Saul’s inauguration

Chapter 12

Then Samuel announced to all the multitudes: “Behold, I have heeded your request and given you a president, whom you have voted for. He has been elected unanimously. Now look at me: I am old and grayheaded, and my sons are among you: and I have walked before you from my childhood unto this day. Here I stand now, before the Volcano, and before his Chief Executive. Tell me: have I acted corruptly? whom have I defrauded? whom have I oppressed? or of whose hand have I received any bribe? If you can prove that anyone has successfully lobbied me to serve their special interest, I will restore the amount to your treasury.”

And the multitudes answered: “Thou hast done well.”

And Samuel said: “The volcano of potential is witness to your admission.” And the multitudes answered: “He is.”

Then Samuel said to the multitudes: “The Volcano is here in person with us, this day; the same savior that guided Moses and his Prophet-King Bryan, and that brought your ancestors out of the Empire. Now the Volcano could speak for himself, but he has prepared the following statement and asked me to read it aloud on his behalf, because he understands that you wish to transfer power to the president, and he wishes to avoid any semblance of being an obstacle. Therefore, stand still, and listen up, for I shall now summarize all the righteous acts that the Volcano has done for you and your ancestors:

“When Jacob’s children entered Egypt, the creditors oppressed them, and your foreparents cried unto the Volcano. Then the volcano of potential sent Moses and his brother Bryan, which brought forth the workforce out of the Empire, and made them dwell in the surrounding lands. Pretty soon, a Private Anonymous Trillionaire Shapeshifter commandeered the Internet and started harvesting everyone’s data; and he exploited some connection that he had with the Quakers and the University of Pennsylvania. The latter are decent people, incidentally, and they did all they could to resist this. Also, there were many troubles that our ancestors encountered living in the wilderness. In general, that is not an easy place to survive; although the Midianites are good at it: for they are wise; and it was from them, specifically their High Priest Jethro Raguel Reuel Hobab, that we first learned about Yahweh God. Anyhow, the Volcano helped us out, through all the aforesaid tribulations. And he brought us on a tour of the Indies, and led us into the lush paradise of Eldorado. He gave us elohims: Baalim and Ashtaroth, whom we love; and he instructed Enoch, who is Metatron, to send us Jerubbaal Elohim, and Barak Elohim, and Jephthah Elohim. Finally he raised up me myself, Yours Truly, and got me born despite my mother being a virgin; and he gave me the name Samuel Elohim, and he taught me to be a Seer. Then when you all met Nachash the Shining One, the Serpentine Emperor of the Persian Fire-Worshippers, when he called upon the god Aton to baptize us with the sun’s own clear and holy spirit, you decided that it would be nice to have a strong leader who might go before you into such an unknown realm. So although Yahweh already made Moses’ brother Bryan your eternal King, and despite the Volcano himself being more than willing to continue acting as your caravan’s captain, you demanded that our burgeoning oligarchy select a candidate that you could vote into the new role of President. Now therefore behold the head of state whom ye have chosen, the Commander-in-Chief whom ye have desired!”

Here, everyone applauded Saul, and Saul took a bow.

Then Samuel continued: “Now, if you do well, then the Volcano will give you good luck. But if you do ill, then you will be left on your own. And our Lord Yahweh has prepared a miraculous sign that he shall demonstrate for you now, to show that he endorses this declaration: so let the following wonder stand as proof that what I have spoken is god-breathed, and that the Volcano has stamped his seal of approval on everything I have said here this afternoon.”

Whereupon Samuel gestured to Yahweh God, and shouted a charm, and lo: the Lord sent thunder and rain from the sky. This was terrifying, because it was the time of the wheat harvest, when thunderstorms never happen in that part of the world. The sight caused many people to faint.

Then all the multitudes said as one to Samuel: “Pray for us unto the Volcano your master; tell him, please, do not kill us. We accept the president whom he has permitted us to vote for.”

And Samuel answered: “Far be it from me to refuse to pray on your behalf to the Volcano. But remember to act compassionately towards all life. If you fall into selfishness, the Volcano will sweep both you and your executive off the stage.”