David vs. Saul

Chapter 18

Now, one day, President Saul’s son Jonathan fell in love with the hero David. And the soul of Jonathan was knit with the soul of David, and Jonathan cherished David as his own flesh.

Then Jonathan and David made a covenant, because Jonathan loved David as his own soul. And Jonathan stripped himself of the robe that was upon him, and gave it to David; and Jonathan also gave David his garments, even to his sword, his bow, and his girdle. He swore a bond, taking David to be his best friend from that day forward, for better or worse, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death.

Now it was already agreed that David was to leave off being a goatherd on his father’s estate, and come serve in the Black House as the personal assistant to President Saul. So David would go out whithersoever Saul sent him, on various missions, and David performed these missions dutifully; and he behaved himself wisely.

And Saul set David in charge of the men of war. For the troops that Saul had sent to battle Goliath Starkiller were not disbanded after David defeated that giant robot. The reason the caravansary’s armed forces were maintained is that they needed to withstand continued attacks: for the creditors had salvaged the corpse of their colossal android, and repurposed its fragments to fashion a legion of stormtroopers. These mechanical mercenaries were what David was put in charge of fighting, when Saul made him commander of the caravan’s armies.

Thus it came to pass that David fought at the head of many battles, and he won great respect from his fellow soldiers. And he was accepted in the sight of all the people, and also in the sight of the rest of the Black House staff.

Now it came to pass, once, when David was returning from a slaughter of debt-bots (as the creditors’ android troopers were called), that the women came out of all the cities of the caravansary, singing and dancing, to welcome the Defense Force; and President Saul was there, as well, with his advisors and entourage.

And the dancers came out with joy, holding instruments of music: they all had tabrets, and timbrels, and sistrums. And the women answered one another as they played, and they chanted, saying:

Saul governs thousands! 

David conquers millions!

And President Saul was deeply hurt by this, for he took it as a slight. He said: “They have ascribed unto David millions, whereas to me they give only thousands; and they say that I only govern while he is a conqueror. Lo, he is surpassing me; now nothing will be restrained from him, which he imagines to do: and what can he have more but the presidency!” So Saul eyed David askance from that day forward.

And it came to pass on the morrow, that the sense of injured merit came over Saul; to counter which, he began to prophesy (that is to say, he began to recite a poetic tale) within the Black House: and David played the lyre with his hand, as at other times: and there was a javelin in Saul’s hand.

Then, when President Saul reached the point in his epic poem where the Lord Yahweh commands his phantom generator to print out a Blessing of Conception in the form of a spiritual javelin, so as to take advantage of the auspicious hour as the Midianites are coupling with his caravan, Saul got carried away by the moment and physically demonstrated the Volcano’s action, by casting his javelin (the actual one, not Yahweh’s spiritual one from the story) across the Oblong Office; and it almost hit David: the tip of it lodged in the drywall behind him.

Saul did this twice (for there was another part, in the same prophetic narration, where Yahweh shoots some lucky couple a fertile blessing); yet both times David avoided out of the president’s presence.

And Saul feared David, because he deduced that the Volcano favored David. The Volcano’s luck seemed to have been rerouted away from Saul the president and onto this goatherd upstart.

But all the people of the caravan loved David, because, unlike Saul the President, who remained always stiff, stressed, and cloistered up in his office, David spent his time carousing among the populace, as the captain of the armed forces.

Then Saul devised a way to get rid of David which would not require him to murder the lad himself. He said to David: “Behold, if you agree to remain at the front of every battle, and are always the first one to dash into the fray, then I will let you marry my elder daughter Michelob.” For Saul assumed that if David were to rush headfirst into all future conflicts, he would inevitably get himself butchered by the enemy stormtroopers.

Then David answered Saul, and said: “O who am I? and what is my merit, that I should be son-in-law to the president? This offer is too generous: henceforth, I shall dive into every bloodbath fearlessly, so that I can deserve the reward.”

Thus, from that day forward, David was the first among the soldiers of the caravan: he ran straight into each battle, and he fought like a man possessed. However, it came to pass at the time when Michelob Saul’s daughter should have been given to David, that she was given unto Adman from Manhattan to wife.

But Saul’s younger daughter Melanie loved David: and they told Saul, and the thing pleased him. So Saul said: “I will give him her, that she may be a snare to him, and that he shall need to keep risking his life fighting the robo-troopers.” Wherefore Saul said to David: “OK, not my eldest but my youngest I give you. That is one of two available daughters, not a bad deal: plus, you shall still be my son-in-law.”

And Saul commanded his staff, saying: “Commune with David secretly, and tell him: ‘Behold, the president has delight in you, and all his cabinet members love you: now therefore keep dashing into each new battle without regard for your life, so as to achieve the position of son-in-law.”

And Saul’s staff members spoke those words in the ears of David. And David answered and said: “I wish it were true, what you say; but I’m not sure, for Saul took his first daughter away, after dangling her before me. Do you really believe that a poor fellow like myself could be the son-in-law to the president? For, lo, I am lightly esteemed, whereas he is glorious. I think I will give up any aspirations to marry into his family; for the idea was just a pipe dream, not realistic.”

Then these go-betweens and confidants among Saul’s staff told the president what David said. And Saul replied to them, saying: “Thus shall you tell David: ‘Do not give up! Keep fighting like a madman! For the president is sincere in his offer, and he wishes to be avenged of his enemies: lo, he desires no dowry except one hundred foreskins of the robo-troopers.’”

But Saul assumed that, by making this demand so high, it would be unachievable. He thought that surely David would die at the hand of those mechanical warriors, long before being able to circumcise so many of their corpses.

Yet when his staff told David the president’s words, it pleased David well to become Saul’s son-in-law.

So David arose and hastened into battle, and he slew of the robotic stormtroopers two hundred androids; and David brought their foreskins in a large basket to the president. And he told him the story of how he earned each one. Then he asked if he might now be made the president’s son-in-law. And Saul gave him his daughter Melanie to wife.

By this, Saul saw and knew that the Volcano was with David, and that Melanie loved him. This caused Saul to be yet more afraid of David; and Saul became David’s enemy in earnest thenceforward.