07 April 2015

Proof that God is bisexual

Before I prove that God is bisexual, I must share this torn photo that I found on the opposite side of the advert image that I shared a few days ago – my interpretation is that it looks like legs and shoes:

Scientific proof that the God of the Bible is a bisexual androgynous hermaphrodite

Genesis 1:27 reports that God created humankind “in his own image . . . male and female”; thus, God is at least double-sexed. And, being God’s clone, the first human was equally male and female.

Genesis 2:18-22 tells how God did not want her self-portrait to remain single and lonely. God knew all too well how insufferable it is to exist as an only androgyne; thus, acting with uncharacteristic compassion, God chose to save the clone from this sorrowful fate:

And the LORD God said, “It is not good that the human should be alone; I will make an help meet for the human.”

In search of the perfect spouse for her divine replica, the LORD now invents various creatures to woo the androgyne, but none of the animals are considered attractive enough to marry the copy of God. This episode, by the way, is intentionally funny – modern preachers lack the sense of humor that the biblical authors possessed:

And out of the ground the LORD God formed every beast of the field, and every fowl of the air; and brought them unto the human . . . but there was not found an help meet for the human.

So the entire animal kingdom is deemed unworthy to wed the LORD’s bisexual clone. The author is inciting us to ask: Why doesn’t God simply become the human’s spouse?—after all, they’re a perfect match: exact replicas of each other; naked and unashamed. (This question—also humorous by intention—is left unanswered.)

Instead of marrying the hermaphrodite to an animal or espousing the human herself, God splits the clone into two distinct physiques:

And the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the human . . . and God removed its rib, and closed up the flesh instead thereof; and the rib, which the LORD had taken from the man, God made a woman . . .

Here we are told that, when God divvied the human, something was extracted from its anatomy – the English word “rib” is a translation of a Hebrew term that denotes “a curvaceous part of the flesh.” So it wasn’t a mere bone that got removed: it was man’s feminine bosom.

In other words, to change the single androgyne into a boring married couple, God allocated its breasts to the female half, thus leaving the male devoid of voluptuousness.


kinky won said...

Is this the cause of your blonde wig?

Bryan Ray said...

I asked my domestic partner how I should answer this, so I'll just quote her verbatim:

"Um, I would like say... Yes... and then I'd like add some dumb thing after that... I don't know."


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