30 May 2015

2 barks + 10 chirps = 1 mess (hot)

In this entry, you will hear me bark twice; then, after my second bark, I will chirp until my throat begins to bleed.

Obligatory image

BARK #1:

Let’s say that you go out for a ride on your bike. Let’s say that you accidentally ride through a patch of wet soil. Let’s say that you were wearing a brand new white shirt when you splashed through the soil. Now you have muddy sprinkles of all over your shirt. Here’s my advice: Do not change your shirt. Let the mud dry; then sleep in your shirt. The next morning, when you awake wearing the mud-splattered shirt, you will be thankful that you neglected to change, because the world loves you just the way you are.

BARK #2:

When I was just a tiny lass in the country, I owned an analog cassette tape whose casing was clear plastic. This allowed my naked eye to view all of the cassette’s interior mechanisms. I also owned a dual cassette player with high-speed dubbing, auto-reverse, Dolby B and C noise reduction, HX Pro circuitry, and multi-AMS track search. Plus the case of this player was transparent, just like the tape; so, when I slid my clear cassette in the transparent deck and pressed the “PLAY” button, all of the vibrant innards of both devices cavorted about like fireflies in the jungle! . . . But soon I found God, and everything basically went downhill from there.



What follows is a heap of my Twittering Machine’s recent droppings.

  • He raised them so well that, when given the chance, instead of returning to me, my children opted to stay in the custody of their kidnapper.
  • . . . plumber of clogged souls . . .
  • It has come to my attention that nobody eats food anymore. My hope is that eating food will come back in style.
  • I am privileged to share time with you.
  • Substituting 80 for the usual 94 proof spirits really takes the zing out of one’s crab-shuffle.
  • It’s as if I’m in paradise: nobody’s giving me money.
  • My advice is to keep poking it harder and harder—if it breaks before it responds, it probably wasn’t a touchscreen.
  • The tetragrammaton bamboozles anagrammatists.
  • I’ll walk like a dancer if you walk like a panther, and we’ll see who eats who.
  • (I think I accidentally watered the plant a little bit.)

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