What follows is Day 3 of my Facebook tripe roundup. The reason I generated so much tripe is that, after changing my account’s name from Tertius to Bryan, I was curious if it would feel any different to use the network under this new identity. Here are my findings:
- My computer’s keyboard now makes a finer clicking sound when I type.
- Other users’ responses to my postings are noticeably deeper and far more eloquent.
(The actual reason I generated so much tripe is that careless people often make bad decisions.)
I can’t thank you enough for bribing the contest judges to elect me as The Prettiest Rapper in Europe.
My communication device is not internet-literate, so I’m just receiving all of your telegrams now.
In one moment, I’ll press the “Enter” button; which will cause this response to go public, which is to say global, which is to say viral. Because, when a tree falls in the forest, the whole world hears it.
Hello, even though I’m not here!
I just sent you a payment via Hail Mary pass, using my arm. (“A Hail Mary pass is a very long forward pass in American football, made in desperation with only a small chance of success.” —Wikipedia)
My hope is that A Book about What becomes for doctors’ waiting rooms what the Holy Bible is to cheap hotels.
I have modified my will so as to bequeath you my silvery boombox.
My excuse for not knowing anything is that I’ve spent the last few decades locked in my science lab.
I love every single feature film that Paul Thomas Anderson has made. I don’t think that I can say the same for any other director.
Yes, this Facebook comment is legally binding.
Since I own more than sixteen cassette players of various sizes, I’ll write “Property of Margaret Dennison” on one of them and then forget to deliver it to you.
This business is so pleasurable that we’re desperately in need of some pain to compliment the mix.
The State appointed St. Mark to be my attorney and stuntman.
I don’t know what you mean by “choke,” but I’ll breastfeed anything that moves. (I’m even willing to breastfeed static nonlife.)
Dear Giant Anonymous Feathery Closet Fan: don’t sweat the Twat.
Thanks for being the best bodyguard ever, ma’am. As you yourself once said: God bless the skyey cheeseburger’s french fried angels.
Re: “Should I call you Bryan or Tertius?” Either one is fine. I also don’t mind if people call me Jenny or other names. Just don’t make me immortal—THAT is something that I will not abide.
Here is the statement from the back of the bottle of hand sanitizer which inspired my earlier blog post:
“Kills 99.99% of most common germs that may cause illness.”
Regarding movies that are adaptated from books, one must be a creative director and willing to veto the author’s vision. That’s why bad novels make better films than classics.
And I hope someday to be your mother as well.