14 May 2015

Tweetfest five & dime

When the head chef asked me to choose a noodle style for our daily special, she accidentally said ‘posse’ instead of ‘pasta’; so, after commending Eloise for her improvement of the English language, I said “My choice is spaghetti, because they eat spaghetti during a scene in the film Out 1.” By saying this, I was referencing a movie directed by Jacques Rivette which I recently watched. But my favorite is still Céline and Julie Go Boating.

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Tweetfest 15

What follows is just a collection of the recent droppings from my Twittering Machine. These droppings are important to me; therefore, with tear-brimmed eyes I beg you to enjoy them.

  • Substitute actual ice for the diamond on your wedding ring and then simply get divorced before it melts.
  • An immortal jellyfish is like a man who neglects to punctuate his sentences.
  • “FREE!” means “non-monetarily overpriced.”
  • Spouses always support each other; so, if everyone were my spouse, I would be supported by everyone. That is why I ask you all to marry me.
  • I admire farmers who can determine the value of dirt by simply tasting it.
  • If humans are truly precious, then why is the act that creates them so darn silly?
  • Today, the weather where I am will be exactly the same as the weather where you are: The temperature will remain 23 degrees Celsius.
  • Why sleep, when you could bask in a haze of worries?
  • Cute people sadden me. They’re just too cute.
  • I can explain everything.
  • Being stranded alone on an island is like playing a video game. Nobody cares.
  • Apparently you just robbed either a bank or a bakery.
  • Remind me to include this one in my next stand-up routine: “Constantly during springtime in the grass I see many robins but never a batman.”
  • The genius of our world is this: For the entirety, it is blissful—laughably perfect—but, for each individual, it’s bad and only gets worse.
  • Honor yo mama and data plan.

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