When the head chef asked me to choose a noodle style for our daily special, she accidentally said ‘posse’ instead of ‘pasta’; so, after commending Eloise for her improvement of the English language, I said “My choice is spaghetti, because they eat spaghetti during a scene in the film Out 1.” By saying this, I was referencing a movie directed by Jacques Rivette which I recently watched. But my favorite is still Céline and Julie Go Boating.
What follows is just a collection of the recent droppings from my Twittering Machine. These droppings are important to me; therefore, with tear-brimmed eyes I beg you to enjoy them.
- Substitute actual ice for the diamond on your wedding ring and then simply get divorced before it melts.
- An immortal jellyfish is like a man who neglects to punctuate his sentences.
- “FREE!” means “non-monetarily overpriced.”
- Spouses always support each other; so, if everyone were my spouse, I would be supported by everyone. That is why I ask you all to marry me.
- I admire farmers who can determine the value of dirt by simply tasting it.
- If humans are truly precious, then why is the act that creates them so darn silly?
- Today, the weather where I am will be exactly the same as the weather where you are: The temperature will remain 23 degrees Celsius.
- Why sleep, when you could bask in a haze of worries?
- Cute people sadden me. They’re just too cute.
- I can explain everything.
- Being stranded alone on an island is like playing a video game. Nobody cares.
- Apparently you just robbed either a bank or a bakery.
- Remind me to include this one in my next stand-up routine: “Constantly during springtime in the grass I see many robins but never a batman.”
- The genius of our world is this: For the entirety, it is blissful—laughably perfect—but, for each individual, it’s bad and only gets worse.
- Honor yo mama and data plan.