News or not

Before I begin my sermon, here’s a picture that you can use to hypnotize yourself:

News or not

My mom is selling her gorgeous lakeshore cottage. She is receiving offers left and right: eighty grand; ninety grand; one hundred and thirty pieces of silver! This is stressful because she needs to stop the moneyflood NOW – but she lacks both a printer and a scanner; so she is unable to print the sale form and sign it and scan it and send it back to the buyer. She just might have to remain, forever and ever, the reluctant owner of a gorgeous lakeshore cottage.

Speaking of which, I’m really starting to hate the concept of Christ. (I mean, I hate that title: not the poor fellow who wears it.) The Messiah, the King: how tedious. Outdated, too. Let us just admit that Big Bad Yahweh reneged on yet another promise, because that’s what all the fuss is about: the god Yahweh was supposed to send a perfect Governor to his chosen people; and this Governor was to rule so righteously that all of the earth would become a harmonious paradise. Obviously that didn’t happen; just like Yahweh never delivered the land that he promised to those same folks, back in the day. Yahweh breaks his promises: let’s get over it. But no, instead of facing the truth that our LORD is an untrustworthy imp, we buy into St Paul’s theory that Jesus of Nazareth (whose teachings have nothing in common with Paul’s) is the upcoming Apocalyptic Dictator that we’ve always wanted. And, instead of admitting that his Second Coming was a no-show, we trust the priests, who, for thousands of years have been claiming He’s on his way! like a nonpayer assures his creditor The check’s in the mail.

In the Hebrew Scriptures, the god Yahweh exhibits an abhorrence of the god Baal. What’s funny is that the two are mirror images of each other. (Perhaps this explains the animosity.) Another funny coincidence is that the god Yahweh is far better known as “the LORD,” which is exactly what the word “Baal” means. And then we have Allah: although it’s unclear whether he and Yahweh are enemies, their respective gang members give me that impression. But when I heed the voice of Allah in the Arab scriptures, his breath smells exactly like Yahweh’s to me. (Each evinces a heaven-high blood alcohol content.) Yes, Allah resembles Yahweh much more than Yahweh resembles his own biological son Jesus. So maybe they should do a paternity test.

Anyway, now we have all of these adversarial gods claiming they’re THE ONLY DEITY EVER. But what’s the difference? I mean, what does this divine rivalry mean to us lowly worshipers?

It’s like American Football: you end up rooting for whichever team matches the state that you were born in (the actual players are interchangeable). We speak as though there are reasons for our choice of religion; but, even on the rare occasion that we do change teams, it’s always because we’ve moved to a new area and desire to integrate with the locals. For this is serious business. People paint their face and the flesh of their body, to show support for their favorite team. That’s why I love American Football: it’s a lot like war.