28 August 2015

How to be a successful music mogul

Not everyone is born with original sin, but we all have at least one rock band that we’re dying to market. Most music makes money; so, what is the best way to profit from your band’s compositions? The average household spends more of its income on music albums than on contraceptives. And when I say albums, I mean digital files rather than physical merchandise; for the way that fans buy music has altered drastically since the time of vinyl records: nowadays, before listening to it, people store music on electronic devices.

All music is available for free online. If you want, for instance, to own a particular song by a particular band, simply click a button. Try clicking other parts of the screen as well: I guarantee that you’ll be able to find something good. Go ahead and even touch the screen with your finger. Do whatever is necessary to communicate to your device the fact that you are a human who is making a decision.

I repeat, nobody makes a cent from selling songs. The songs are all free for the clicking, available everywhere on the internet, and their purpose is to be stored on the drives of devices. So how might a rock band survive in this new economy? The answer is to purchase a laptop computer. What happens is that you’ll get notifications about upcoming events. An event occurs when one to five individual artists employ laptop computers to entertain a massive crowd. So, now that you’ve got yourself a laptop computer, you can become the main attraction. Just follow the links.

People are willing to pay big bucks to attend an event, especially if its entertainer has been marketed. The entertainer should ideally be elevated upon a stage, and the laptop computer should rest upon a table. One might optionally add a fence to separate the entertainer from the crowd; and drugs will help the crowd to enjoy the event.

An artist is someone who belongs to the entertainment industry. Promoters tell people which events are worth attending. Executives are the folks in suits who write checks to the owners of laptops. A hot star is someone who is young, somewhat sexy, & brimming with confidence. Multitudes want to be entertained by an individual who reminds them that life is for the taking. And art is serious business, so, once you’ve made it to the position of Star Entertainer, make sure that you participate in interviews with Famous Newscasters. Talk about the process of making and selling your art.

Stay relevant by remaining active on the social networks. Find the most popular sites by doing a web search, and then upload content to these places at least daily, preferably hourly. The fans are the ones who totally love your content. Without fans, you will perish. No megastar yet has been able to survive for more than a lifetime without the help of actual fans. And keep those paychecks rolling.

Sell your music!

I said above that music does not sell. It will not sell. It cannot sell. So how in the world is an artist supposed to earn a living? Why does society have a bin labeled “Rock Band Member” if there is no way to support one’s family with half measures? Here is the answer:

Form a subscription service that allows people to access your music only if they pay you from their telephone. Also, as I said, a world tour is a lucrative enterprise, because each gig that you play will earn you truckloads of cash. (Keep that laptop handy!)

The subscription model of band marketing is the next new thing, which is why most of its practitioners already have become the Chief Executive Officer of their own Big Business. Having a record label under your belt is a good way to attract fresh talent. So the dollars that you made from entertaining crowds with your laptop can be doubled, or even quadrupled, by simply dominating the industry.

2. Become a songwriter and producer

Huge pop stars need songwriters to create their hits. They also need producers to make the music that drives those hits up the charts. If you simply attract a few pop megastars to your firm, you can write their songs and produce them. Just one top hit will shower you with money for years to come, because you own all the publishing rights. Royalty checks are like a pension from the most perfect government; and the pop stars themselves will recommend your services to other stars, via word-of-mouth advertising: so it’s almost impossible to avoid becoming a major sensation.

But you should never accept any payment for your skills upfront. It may sound nice to be offered a lot of money to perform just one single show on your laptop computer; however, if you hold out for a larger stream of paychecks—a stream that never ends, for instance—in return for performing a whole string of shows, it will be better for you and your loved ones, in the long run. Find a club that needs a hot entertainer. Ask this club if its owner would be willing to pay you to live inside of it. The owner will be overjoyed that you struck this deal—it’s mutually beneficial; for your name becomes synonymous with a club franchise that is on the lips of every upcoming customer.

Instead of just climbing the staircase into success and being thankful for your earnings, you need to command the executives to pay you even more millions than they are able to fork out. These executives might seem standoffish at first, but remember: they desire to be commanded. Don’t worry if your songs are not instantly popular: this only means that they are blazing through the college circuits; and that, in turn, indicates that the next wave of music fanatics will be wanting your production company’s laptop’s face on their t-shirt.

Be lucrative

First, if you’re a rock band, make yourself a DJ. And if you’re already a DJ, make yourself a dream-come-true DJ. Radio personalities will recognize someone they can trust, once they perceive that you are so famous; and they will play your songs more frequently, which will lead to greater public recognition: it’s a self-feeding cycle. Join the eternal warfare and seek out semi-legal schemes to increase your capital. A lot of new bands make the mistake of remaining totally unimportant—humans didn’t create the world for that purpose.

Dry goods

As I said above, your best fans will gladly pay ten U.S. dollars apiece for items that feature a recognizable image of your laptop. You can produce hats, bags, knits, pins, and traps: all in genuine 3-D. So it is needless to fear that shoplifters will set up a stall outside of your website to bootleg your hairstyle—for nobody cares. Nevertheless, the fans that you recoup on account of this gesture will be well worth trading for cold hard cash in the meantime. Just be patient.

If you write a hit song about planes, you get free airline travel. But if you write a hit song about endorsements, you get every ad agency in the nation itching for your autograph. Do you like clothes? You’ll get free clothes. Want the top designers to send you email messages? Consider it done. Even boyfriends and girlfriends will gladly stand in the vicinity of your entourage. You’re a force of nature in the dance club: the rich purple glow from the tube lighting that runs along the walls and is embedded within the seams of the clear plastic sofa draws attention to the fact that your phone was a gift from admirers.

CONCLUSION: The unknown secret

I’m going to run through these last few points pretty quickly, because I want to get home and watch the game; so, listen closely and take exhaustive notes.

Don’t be a worker; be the boss. Make your song go viral instead of just local. If you find artists that look up to you, take them under your wing—soon they’ll be sending you certified checks in gratitude. Get the latest software to create the finest music for your band. Make sure your tunes sound cool. (Kids love cool tunes.) Free stuff is passable, but make sure that it turns a profit eventually. Sex tapes can be a good way to make extra cash. If you know someone who can program a video game, tell them to use your own band’s songs exclusively for all of its sound effects—you’ll find that this enlarges your public image. Invest in advertising your own songs on the songs of other artists—and do so aggressively: only the fiercest, most ravaging temperaments can win God’s attention. If you own a place in the collective consciousness, make it bigger. Embark on business adventures: dining establishments and fake rodeos. If you’re a DJ, consider becoming a supermodel; you can turn a pretty penny posing on catwalks. And keep some friends employed by the Internal Revenue Service—friends can sometimes prove helpful: you’d be surprised.

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