01 October 2015

Lemon sweet tea & claptrap

This entry is named after a phrase from its opening paragraph.

Dear diary,

I open the fridge and see a brand new bottle of lemon sweet tea. It has a plastic seal covering its body, so I remove that. Then I twist off its cap, and there’s another plastic seal covering its neck; so I remove that too. At last I am sipping & typing: lemon sweet tea & claptrap.

After breaking the seven seals of my breakfast beverage, it was hard not to muse on the Pre-safe Era; I mean back when things were still dangerous, and you didn’t have to peel away a protective seal from the mouth of Tyrannosaurus Rex in order to get eaten; as opposed to nowadays: even if you manage to make your way into its jaws, you can’t get torn to shreds until you remove all its protective tooth-caps.

When two living humans conjoin sensually, the scientists who are observing them note: “The subjects are bumping uglies.” For the scientific community determined long ago that the privy members of humans are unattractive. What’s interesting to me, however, is that certain apostles refer to these members as comely.

And the phrase “man’s man,” as in the exclamation, “Now that’s a man’s man!”—I can’t figure out what type of person this is supposed to denote. I try to imagine different types of men: a broom’s man; a chair’s man; a lamp’s man… Is there even a meaning that usage has standardized for this phrase? No one can say for sure until next year’s Science Conference.

When you lack all writing devices, but you need to remember some crucial info, what can you do? You have to memorize the data.

And what’s the best way to memorize data? First, rhyme the words. Also try phrasing the material so that its syllables are arranged in a fixed rhythm. Incorporate the data into a narrative; and make it pleasurable to repeat.

We utilize the above techniques for a practical reason: to help the mind hold on to information during a pen-&-paper famine. My point is that what we call “verse poetry” served ancient, pre-literate people as their library, filing system, college, computation device, law book, history book, instruction manual for life in general, etc…

When writing was invented, it removed the burden of memorization from the human mind. No longer was it necessary to rhyme, or use fixed meter, or couch boring data in a narrative, or make pleasurable the info that one desired to remember. One could simply write down anything, and then use the extra time gained from this advancement to let one’s imagination wander.

The wandering imagination inevitably stumbles into territory that seems nonsensical at first but later proves important. Many great inventions are the result of a foolish experiment going “wrong.” I place that last word in quotes, since no result can ever really be wrong when you’re experimenting for the sake of goofing off.

Who knows what riches remain yet undiscovered in the realms of absurdity! Much that is now thought to be problematic in our world, especially that which is considered an impenetrable evil, will be solved with alacrity, if we only allow ourselves to engage in some serious horseplay. That is my prophecy. If it’s untrue, shoot me. Or at least sue me. No press is bad press.

I like the look of a formal gown that glitters. I almost called it silvery, because I’m accustomed to viewing these things in black and white. I wish I were more sophisticated; I’d like to attend an evening party. The gems, the rings, the dresses, the cut of the suits: these things tell us sweet lies, to abate our fear of the truth. (The truth is naked.) A long, smooth, gown of glittering silver poses beside a stylish tuxedo; there are bodies beneath these smokescreens: Kenny and Barb are clinking champagne glasses at the moment; later tonight they might be bumping uglies.

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