Next unfinished post

Dear diary,

“Today I learned how not to pour water on you at night.” That’s the first thing I said when I rose out of bed this morning; I addressed it to my sweetheart. The backstory is this:

Due to our recent home renovation projects, we changed the place of all the furniture in our bedroom, so now our bed is turned ninety degrees from its normal position, and the nightstand is in a totally different place too. So, past midnight, when the whole apartment was pitch black, I awoke from a bad dream and felt the need to visit the washroom, to powder my nose. Now, I know the layout of our house well enough to navigate it in the dark—I take great pride in never needing to turn on any lights. However, recall that we recently rearranged all the furniture: I had forgotten this. And, being a thirsty sleeper, my sweetheart always keeps a glass of water on her nightstand. So as I groped my way thru the dark, suddenly my foot whammed into an unexpected object, and the sound of glugging water was heard throughout the land; and my sweetheart gasped. So I flailed my hands about, expecting to reach the wall-switch to turn on the light, but the whole world had changed, and nothing was where it was supposed to be.

But eventually I did find a power switch, and the scene that the lamp illuminated was as follows.

My sweetheart was clutching her blankets to her heart in fear, and a tall empty glass was lying on its side next to her, and her right leg was soaked. There was a big dark oval of wetness on the bed cover. MORAL: Never interrupt your nightmare to wander blindly thru the wilderness on a Thursday before your bathroom’s new flooring is scheduled to be installed.

Yes, the new floor of our establishment’s comfort station has yet to be born; and, altho the drywall hole where the light formerly existed has been sealed off, the replacement fixture isn’t yet hooked up – so, being gloomy and unformed, our bathroom resembles the universe prior to creation. In fact, one can pinpoint our remodeling progress on the timeline of Genesis, by properly interpreting the opening of that biblical book.

In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth.

That’s the very first verse of the very first chapter. I like to proceed verse-by-verse, so as not to confuse myself. By way of commentary, let it be noted that all scholars have traditionally interpreted the phrase “heaven and earth” to mean “Bryan’s bathroom”.

⁠And the bathroom was without form, and void; and darkness was upon the face of the deep.

As I explained earlier, the dimness is because the light fixture isn’t yet installed. And there’s no vanity combo or mirror; there’s just copper pipes jutting out of the bare wall. So “the face of the deep” refers to the place where the sink will go.

And the Spirit of God moved upon the face of the waters.

This means that Doug, our contractor handyman, is gazing at the wall to consider where the lamp should be positioned. Eventually he’ll have to cut an opening in the sheetrock, pull out the wires, and affix a mounting plate to one of the studs.

And God said, “Let there be light”: and there was light.

So that’s it. We can’t even make it past verse 3, cuz our washroom is lampless. But I’m curious to read on, so that I can anticipate how the rest of the job will turn out. The next verses say (WARNING! spoilers ahead):

And Bryan’s contractor-handyman Doug saw that the light was good: and Doug divided the light from the darkness.⁠ And Doug called the light Day (that is the state of the toggle switch being in the “ON” position), and the darkness he called Nighty-Night (that’s when the switch is turned “OFF” – a position not recommended for anyone klutzing around near the drinkware of sleepers). And the evening & the morning were the first anticlimax.

So apparently the switch will work well. We shall flick it up & down, and the lights will respond. This puts me at ease, knowing that we needn’t expect any problems with the hookup.

And God said, “Let there be a firmament in the midst of the waters, and let it divide the waters from the waters.”

OK, this is obviously the sink install.

And God made the firmament, and divided the waters which were under the firmament from the waters which were above: and it was so. And God called the firmament Heaven. And the evening & the morning were the second anticlimax.

Wow, “Heaven”? That better be one decent sink.

And God said, “Let the waters under the sink be gathered together unto one place, and let the dry land appear”: and it was so.

So this is the P-trap drain underneath the basin, where the water is routed to the city’s sewer system . . .

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But now I’m bored with this exercise. So I’ll go fix myself an adult beverage and read over what I wrote here and then post it. I sure hope it’s good!