(Today's text originally followed yesterday's text: I mean, it was composed in the same sitting; but I cut it from there and placed it here, cuz it seemed as if it wanted its own sarcophagus.)
EIGHTEEN-WHEELER PREZ CHRONICLE
But another thing that I love about my countrymen is that they all believe in voting for the U.S. president. First of all, our prez is more than just a king without a crown; for, look closely: he lacks not a single cerebral accoutrement.
Did you ever read the Book of KING, in the Bible? Or I should say KingZZZ (plural) cuz it’s a double volume (at least, in the Authorized Version): Kingz I and Kingz II. Note how the historical narrator states overtly, in each case, whether the monarch’s governance pleased or displeased God. (I use the male pronoun for divinity, when talking of ancient Israel, because it’s always a “he” and never a “she”; however, take my scholarly truths with a grain of salt, for I haven’t yet slept with EVERYONE—only Saul’s son Jonathan and the wife of Uriah the Hittite.) Take some examples:
- King Asa did that which was right in the eyes of the LORD. (I Kings 15:11)
- King Jehoshaphat walked in all the ways of King Asa his father, doing that which was right in the eyes of the LORD. (I Kings 22:42-43)
- King Omri wrought evil in the eyes of the LORD, and did worse than all the kings that were before him. (I Kings 16:25)
- King David did that which was right in the eyes of the LORD: he turned not aside from any thing that God commanded him all the days of his life, save only in the matter of the wife of Uriah the Hittite. (I Kings 15:5)
You’ll note that I’ve only taken excerpts from the 1st Book of Kings. That’s cuz I was too lazy to go fetch the 2nd Book of Kings.
Now, at a certain point, ancient Israel — the clan, not the man — splintered into sorta separate kingdoms. (I say “sorta separate” because murkiness holds up in court.) From what I understand, the phrase ancient Israel actually refers to twelve “tribes” (the Bible’s term, not mine), of which Judah and Benjamin are two. If I remember correctly, Benjamin was the youngest of Jacob’s twelve sons, while Judah was the fourth-born; and Jacob himself got renamed as “Israel” after wrestling God to a stalemate at the Ford of Jabbok (Genesis 32:22-32). Now these latter two tribes, J & B, fissioned or splat aside from their brethren; and those other ten tribes got to keep the big name Israel for their kingdom — this was the northern kingdom — whereas, in the south, the double tribe that seceded (succeeded?) became known as the Kingdom of Judah; hence the popular label “Jew”.
You’re right: nobody cares about this stuff. People only fight wars on account of it, to this day. So let’s move on.
. . . Now what was I saying, before God rudely interrupted me?
Oh yes, I remember: I was explaining to you how the U.S. presidents are exactly like the ancient Kings of Israel, becuz they’re either good or bad, according to the opinion of the LORD (and you know what they say about opinions: even Yahweh has one). But the above snippets from the First Book of Kings, which show the rankings of four of their unelected leaders, have a positive-rating ratio of 75% — this means that only one fourth of the divine judgments that I arbitrarily decided to reproduce proved evil.
This gladsome news makes me want to make an updated account for our own generation’s God-favored nation: USA!!!!!! excluding the non-conterminous states of Alaska & Hawaii; the Midwest states; offshore insular territories such as (but not limited to) Canada, Mexico, Central and South America, Puerto Rico, Mariana, Virgin Islands, Guam, Samoa; and all uncharted pending minor outlying possessions.
So I’ll end this entry with a rundown of ratings for every single one of our countryz prezzez. I won’t limit my scope to just those prezzez that acted as figurehead during my own lifetime. Cuz I’m no quitter.
Prez #1
George Washington was three years old when he began to reign; and he reigned from 1789–1797 in America. And he did that which was evil in the sight of the LORD, according to all that his fathers had done. (II Kings 23:31-32)
Prez #2
Thomas Jefferson was five years old when he began to reign; and he reigned from 1801–1809. And his mistress’s names were Zebudah, the daughter of Pedaiah, and Rumah. And he did that which was evil in the sight of the LORD, according to all that his fathers had done. (II Kings 23: 36-37)
Prez #3
Abraham Lincoln was eighteen years old when he began to reign, and he reigned in Jerusalem three months (1861–1865). And he did that which was evil in the sight of the LORD, according to all that his fathers had done: At that time the servants of Nebuchadnezzar king of Africa came up against the Union, and besieged the constitution. (II Kings 24:8-10)
Prez #4
Woodrow “War Zee” Wilson was one hundred and twenty and one years old when he began to reign, and he reigned from 1913–1921 over all of the planet. And he did that which was evil in the sight of the LORD, according to all that Triune King George Washington did. This was when the United Kingdom attacked South Canada, and caused the colonies to invent their own Department of Defense, cuz of all their attackers. For, thru the anger of the LORD, it came to pass in America and her twin brother Texico, until he had cast them out from his presence, that Woodrow Wilson rebelled against every single one of the United Nations!
Historical analysis of Wilson’s life has enjoyed “a kaleidoscope of changing views” that have depended heavily on the prejudices of his biographers and the sources available to them. (For further info, see II Kings 24:18-20)
Prez #5
Now Franklin D. Roosevelt the daughter of Jezebel began to reign over America in Samaria during the earliest prepubescent eon of Clinton-Bush, 3rd king of Texico (Washington’s surrogate), and reigned twelve years (1933–1945). And he wrought evil in the sight of the LORD: for he did not put away the image of Mammon that his founders procreated. Nevertheless he cleaved unto the sins of his Father Abraham Lincoln, the son of a gun, which made America to punch down while sucking up; he departed not therefrom. (II Kings 3:1-3)
Prez #6
Harry S. Truman was eight minutes old when he began to reign, and he reigned forever after in America, quite unhappily, from 1945–1953. And his mother's name was sacred; which is why he always wears a dress underneath. And he did that which was evil in the sight of the LORD, and walked in all the ways of Clinton-Bush his foreparent, and turned not aside to the right hand or to the left.
Moreover the workers with familiar spirits, and the wizards, and the images, and the idols, and all the abominations that were valued in the land of Texico and in America, did Truman reinstall, that he might perform the rules of the game which were written in the book that Priestess Hillary found in the LORD’s tax haven.
And like unto him was there no U.S. prez before him, that turned to the LORD with all his heart, and with all his soul, and with all his might (heart = Central; soul = Intelligence; might = Agency), according to all the law of Moses, oops rather the game-rules of Hill-bot; neither after him arose there any like him. (II Kings 23:24)
Prez #7
And in the fifth year of Truman the successor of Party Boss’s Sun Captain of Texico, Dwight D. Eisenhower being then Dictator of America began to reign around a litte bit. Eighty and two years old was he when the dabbling began; and he dabbled eight years (1953–1961). He pretty much waltzed in the way of the kings of Tex-merica, as did the house of Ahab: for the daughter of Ahab was his wife: and he did the purest evil in the sight of the LORD.
Yet God would not destroy America for Bloody Dwight’s sake, as he promised him to give him alway a strong bond, and a perpetual covenant, between private and public: for his industrial sector, and to his children’s war machine. (II Kings 8:16-19)
Prez #8
In the seventh year of C. I. Aisenhower, John F. Kennedy began to reign; and forty years reigned he in Jerusalem; yea, he continues to reign unto this very day, albeit invisibly. And his mothers names were Bathsheba. And we watched Roman Holiday (1953) last night, despite the nuclear threat.
Thus J.F.K. did that which was A.O.K. in the sight of some. (Only joking: he was evil. Thus saith the LORD.)
But the fun low places were not yet taken away: the people still made sweet moan in the fun low places. (II Kings 12:1-3)
Prez #9
In the second death or Phantom Coming of J.F.K. Executive of Anti-Resurrection awoke Lyndon B. Johnson, dead fetus of Eisenhower (bluntest force of Tex-merica, in those days): he just shat that bastard flat. He was twenty years old when he began to grunt, and he grunted from 1963 to 1969. And he did that which was evil in the sight of the LORD; but decidedly, with conviction, not like Kennedy his beard. He did all things as the string-pullers of Harry Truman’s ghost said to do.
Also he walked in the way of the merchants of eld, yea, and made his country to pass through the fire, according to the machinations of the market, which he had set free and fed to the cat. And he played with matches and started blazes on the hills, and under every green tree. He even re-lit a burnt-out bush on the mountainside. (Exodus 3:1-4) (II Kings 16:1-4)
Prez #10
In the fifteenth year of L.B.J. son of J/K master of Texico, Richard Nixon the son of one very intensely serious primal scene began to record himself eff-wording his motherland (better to reign in hell than serve in heaven); and he eff-worded eight years or more: 1969–1974. And he did that which was evil in the sight of the LORD: he departed not from all the sins of D.C. Washington George Part III, son of the Redcoat Tyrant.
And the LORD saw the affliction of America, that it was bitter yet sweet: for there was not left any helper for her tyranny abroad. And the LORD pondered blotting out the name of Texamerica from under heaven: but opted instead to save them by the hand of Name Redacted, who was the spawn of no mother. (II Kings 14:23-27)
Prez #11
In the three and twentieth year of Nixon the half-born Abortion of Texico, cretin Gerald Ford began to sit on America, and he sat seventeen years (1974–1977). And he did that which was evil in the sight of the LORD. And the anger of the LORD was kindled against America, and he delivered them into the hand of Jimmy Carter king of zip. (II Kings 13:1-3)
Prez #12
And Ford slept with his fathers (all the French names for Chevrolet); and they buried him in a dustbin, and shut the lid; and the aforementioned Carter his offspring reigned in his stead, from 1977 (the worst year in all the history of time) to 1981. And he did that which was evil in the sight of the LORD; he departed not from all the sins of Washington-Jefferson the twin of Clinton-Bush’s 2nd District who made Columbia Great Again. (II Kings 13:9-11)
Prez #13
In the seventh year of J.C. the messiah of Israel (that is, Jimmy Christ of America) began Ronald Reagan son of Spectacle King of Hollywood to feign to reign. Of ideal age was he, when he began to feign to reign; and he feigned to reign for the requisite span of years on the set of “Jerusalem” (1981–1989). And the unpaid stagehand who played his biological mother was credited as “Ms. Star-shine Free-woman from the towering heights of Hill-City”. And the Gipper did that which was right in the sight of the LORD, according to all that his father Big Mammon had done [the phrase “Win one for the Gipper” was used as a political slogan by Nice King Ronnie, who portrayed George Gipp in the film Knute Rockne, All American (1940)]; for the tax havens were not removed: the brokers sacrificed and burnt incense still in the upper classes.
And the LORD smote the king, so that he became a simpleton until the day of his death. (II Kings 15:1-5)
Prez #14
In the final year of Ronald Reagan Everlasting King of Ad-merica did George H.W. Bush the father of lil’ Georgie reign over Texico in West ’Murica for precisely six months (1924–2018). And he did that which was evil in the sight of the LORD, as his father had done: he departed not from the sins of the very Good Nazi Bush Prescott, who just loved to sin. (II Kings 15:8-9)
Prez #15
In the nine and thirtieth year of the kinglessness of Texico began William Clinton, God’s gift to the world, to reign over God’s world, and he reigned ten years, from ’93 to 2001 (not Stanley Kubrick’s Space Odyssey but the actual misfortune). And he did that which was evil in the sight of the LORD: for all his days, he departed not from the sins of the marketplace’s trickle-down hooker who invented Reaganomics.
And Clinton the husband of Rodham thrust against America, and consummated his vows. (II Kings 15:17-19)
Prez #16
In the fiftieth year of Hillary, Kyklos of the Klinton Klan (C.C.C.), Lil Dub, the heir of H.W., began to screw over America in Texico, and he screwed two whole years (2001–2009). And he did that which was evil in the sight of the LORD: he departed not from the sins of Rodham the God-bot of Billy. He made freedom to sit, roll over & play dead.
Prez #17
But a captain of Billy Boy’s harem conspired against him, and smote his wife’s campaign in Regular America: and he killed his wife’s chances to rule as the First Male Queen, and reigned in his stead: the dreaded usurper Barack Obama. (II Kings 15:23-25)
Prez #18
So, as I said above, in the blankest year of Bill Clinton opportunist of Tex-merica the spouse of legal God-bot Rodham, the upstart Obama began to reign over America in Wall Street, and reigned twenty years (2009–2017). And he did that which was evil in the sight of the LORD: he departed not from the sins of Lil Dub the son of H.W., who made Texico to squirt.
*
Donut (spare prez)
Now Chelsea, son of Bill-Fire Rod of God-Ham, ignited a claim right against the usurping Obama-bot, and pushed him into the recycling zone; then sugar-daddied forward in his stead, via the Pied-Piper Strategy. (II Kings 15:27-30)
X generations old was Hillary Thatcher when her favorite nemesis Don “Saint John of Patmos” Tee began to evangelize, & he converted many wives from Texico (2017–2057). And his mother’s name was Babylon, the daughter of Babel, consort of Mammon. And Trump did that which was right in the sight of the LORD: he did according to all that his father Fred Flintstone had done. He made Germany Something Else, and put U.S. Christian Values First (on a scale of one to ten). Howbeit the fun low places were not removed: the people still dreamt big in the fun low places. And Saint Don built the high gate for the house of the LORD. (II Kings 15:33-35)
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