Dear diary,
I’m naming this entry “Probly not for long a Q&A about the Summer Olympics” because I just woke up from a dream. We were at a pizza place: one of those restaurants that you take children to, where they have long rectangular tables set up in front of an entertainment stage, and a set of animatronic effigies resembling large rodents are spotlit, and they lip-sync to pre-recorded music like a rock band, and between songs they interact with the audience, but this interaction is pre-taped as well, so the banter is always stilted and a little off; and there’s a playroom on the other side of the establishment that has one of those pits filled with plastic balls that you can dive in, plus a variety of video games. It was a group of us kids, and there were two large pizzas on our table, and there were like three or four parents acting as our overseers — probably my mom and dad and your guardian or guardians, either that or my aunts & uncles, who cares.
Then a representative from the restaurant approached and said “I’m going to administer a test for the birthday party. Who wants to give me six questions for the Q&A session?”
And you, the reader, were loafing in the lawnchair next to me, on my right-hand side, so you spoke up and said to the representative, “Bryan will do it — Bryan will give you the questions!”
And the rep said, “OK, and what should the questions be about?”
& you answered, right away: “THE SUMMERTIME OLYMPICS!!!” and you looked at me with a smile, which meant: Isn’t that a fine subject — you’re gonna do a really good job, Bry; it’ll be a breeze for you to think of six questions about the Olympics!
But I had a sinking feeling about this, because I don’t know anything about the Summertime Olympics (I dislike sports); however, I didn’t admit this, because I didn’t want to let my reader down. So I had to go away from the party and sit at the knees of the representative and think up questions; and, for some reason, I felt that I had to provide all the answers as well: I guess cuz it was supposed to be not only a Q but a full Q&A.
So it took me a really long time to come up with even one single pair of question-and-answer. And every contribution that I struck upon had a cheap, jesting tone, like those books that I used to check out from the library when I was a lass: 1,001 Jokes about Potatoes or whatever. But I ended up waking from the dream before completing my list. So here’s all that I can remember:
Q.) Why should I pay to compete in the Summertime Olympics, when its competitor, the Wintertime Olympics, offers so much more?
A.) The Summertime Olympics has some of the biggest events by the most common-sense, reasonable athletes in your neighborhood. You can print them out and read them, just like emails. And, if you live in another part of the globe, we’ll even travel to YOU.
[DREAM EDITOR’S NOTE. The punchline to this first Q&A is that the Summertime Olympics keeps changing where it takes place: One year it’s Eagan, MN, and the next it’s Thief River Falls, MN.]
Q.) Is it a mystery or a no-brainer that the Summertime Olympics has so many athletes whose benefits to society vault so fast, using long poles to speed past race tracks? Why are the endings crammed with accolades? Are the events designed to attract more viewers, make sales, and share content, OR are they indifferent to the attention of the public, just a throwback to old timey prejudices, like divine mortals? I believe that we should not sink down the rabbit hole of studying text exclusively, to the detriment of our physical body (which should not be neglected); but is it really necessary to participate in the decathlon unclad?
[DREAM EDITOR’S NOTE. All participants are nude; and the event in question consists of the 100-meter dash, the long jump, the shot put, the high jump, the 400-meter dash, 110 meters of hurdles, the discus, the pole vault, a javelin toss, and then a 1,500-meter run.]
A.) Two words: FREE ACCESS. Naked athletes are the world’s most popular centerfolds. They are highly-trained experts. They offer chat support. (They’ll even chat with you!) By watching or attending the Summertime Olympics, you agree to pay for unlimited free access to more than 150 premium events that cost $99 each (easily $1,000 apiece, if you cannot cheat), starting at the Base Plan Level, for losers. Think about the perks: Naked people in traffic. Naked people with grit. Naked blazing-fast servers of pizza pie. (You’ll never have to worry about a slow or clothed athlete.) Even access to the Gutenberg labyrinth, named after Johann Gutenberg: a semi-clad German from the 15th century, who invented the printing press, which breathed new life into the fad of magazine centerfolds. And I’m not even gonna mention the revolutionary gene editing and customization tool we just released.
Q.) Will the Summer Olympics boost my attractiveness level? I heard that if you attend the Summertime Olympics in a foreign city, you can get arrested: What will that do to my number of followers on social media? Can they still "like" me, if it turns out that I’m a bad person?
A.) Physical attractiveness won’t automatically earn your self-portraits more web traffic, but they can provide a big marketing assist. For example, upgrading your profile’s bio to claim that you dominated the Summertime Olympics in the nude will grant you access to things like a custom “middle finger” emoji, and extremely advanced tech terms, which search engines love. In short, do not attend the Wintertime Olympics. It’s far too cold to be naked. But the Summertime Olympics has all the most enviable sex, love, romance, marriage, intrigue, scandal, legal aid and custody battles automatically “baked in”.
Question #3: How much does it cost for a decent person to attend the Summertime Olympics?
Answer: How much did it cost the chicken to cross the road? I’m not trying to be sarcastic: a creature pays for bliss with its very life. But Olympic upgrades start at just over five caesars per article of dress. Consider it this way: For about the same cost as a whaling voyage with Starbuck (the first mate of the Pequod, in Herman Melville's epic Moby-Dick), you’ll be able to appear as a fully-clothed Emperor among your subjects. And they’ll be on to you. Next question.
#4: What if I’m not sure whether I like the Olympics?
Answer: We offer a 3-day money-back guarantee, so you can die and resurrect, then compete in or simply watch any event risk-free. We proudly stand behind the quality of the Summertime Olympics.
Q.) Can you help me win?
A.) Helping athletes win their Olympic competitions is our foremost priority. It’s the most popular reason that people pay us. And the quality of the wine that we serve after each fundraising event offers a huge temptation to loiter and mingle.
Q.) I am persuaded. I’m going to attend the Summertime Olympics in the nude, and win all the events.
A.) Finally, to end this dream I have one last question for you: Are you ready to upgrade to the Wintertime Olympics? Because I noticed that you just signed up to compete in our Summer session, which will be rather warm, and it contains birds and insects (both of which are noisy); but the Winter session is pristine: very quiet and sparse; a blanket of snow covers the landscape, so there’s no vulgar growth to offend your sense of sight; and most of your neighbors will remain inside their houses: they might appear outside briefly to shovel their walkway, but that’s it: after about fifteen minutes, back in they go, to finish watching their favorite newscast. For if infotainment can maintain its grip on the future, we might be able to thwart revolution indefinitely.
[DREAM EDITOR’S NOTE. This is where I awoke; so I’ll end this thing here.]
No comments:
Post a Comment