How to Make Money (a joke entry)

CONCLUSION:

Here’s my advice to you, if you wanna make money. Just go to someone’s house and hang wasp nests all around its perimeter. Then run from nest to nest bothering the wasps so that they begin to swarm around angrily.

Now, ring the doorbell, and when the inhabitant answers, say “Lo, you have wasps all around your house, swarming angrily. They will surely kill you; therefore be scared. Are you scared yet? Great! Now let me make you an offer. I will rid your house of wasps for just one low payment of a million dollars. Do we have a deal? Excellent! Just make the check out to Bryan Ray’s Security Corporation. Oh — you say that instead of writing out a check, you’d rather pay with wheelbarrows of cash? That’s even better. Thank you so much! I’ll shut the door now.”

Then, once you’ve made sure that the house’s inhabitant is safely indoors, take your smog machine out of your bindle, turn it on and set the output to “thick” so that a deadly smog pervades the countryside. This will make the wasps retreat to their nests, to escape from the fumes.

Now gather up all the nests, place the machine back into your bindle (make sure the power switch is off); and proceed to the next village, pushing your wheelbarrows of cash.

Repeat this procedure as many times as you need, to reach your fundraising goals. Each time you do it, it pulls in yet another million dollars; for that is how much you charge for this one-time service. (If you’re like me, you like to keep your annual military expenditures around six billion USD; so you only need to make 6,000 house calls per year, to meet this goal. That’s not hard to do. And you can get started in this business for very little cost: a smog machine can be picked up secondhand for around $150 bucks; and the wasps are free — you just find them in nature; plus they’re low maintenance: you don’t even have to feed them; it actually works better if they’re starving, cuz then they act fiercer.)