Not funny

Dear diary,

I think that a distinguished soul will only level negative criticism against her own country and culture, not the cultures and countries of others. Let the others take care of their own faults; let me myself focus on improving the groups I belong to.

Ultimately it would be nice if the concept of otherness could be eliminated entirely, thru the formation of greater bonds; because I’d like for there to be no club that I don’t belong to — that way I could denigrate everything without tarnishing my classiness — but, until then, I’ll stick to the stance of tough love toward all that is familiar, while offering aid, forgiveness, friendship, etc., toward all that is “other”.

I was born in the U.S.A. and my parents raised me in the Reformed Protestant Christian Church, that’s why I’m justified in condemning the flaws of these groups; I love the people of my home country, as well as the people of the religion of my childhood, and I want to help bother us into progress. You’ve heard that maxim “the highest form of patriotism is dissent” — forget which famous person is rumored to have said this, and what scholars assume these seven words meant; I simply like how the proverb sounds and tend to agree with my take on its sentiment.

Alright I’m bored already with all this stiff moralizing. The only reason I began the entry by mentioning the virtue of harming one’s loved ones most is that I wanna do a hatchet job on my comrades:

Of all the groups that I belong to, the one that is closest to my heart is the group called “stand-up comedians”. They’re my nearest and dearest brothers and sisters, cuz I’ve deluded myself into believing that I’m a divine prophet, and Science declares that, when placed into the system of capitalism, prophets manifest themselves as comedians.

Now here’s the dilemma: What exactly do stand-ups do? They tell jokes for money. Their goal is to use their devil-given gift of gab to stimulate laughter from a room of inebriated patrons. OK, so here’s my thot:

Why do we have this profession whose purpose is to cause people to feel mirthful, but we don’t have a profession whose purpose is to make people sorrowful? As it is written:

Sorrow is better than laughter: for by the sadness of the countenance the heart is made better.

That’s from Ecclesiastes (7:3); also the very next verse (7:4) says:

The heart of the wise is in the house of mourning; but the heart of fools is in the house of mirth.

The only thing I dislike about my idea to invent a profession called The Anti-Standup is that I truly do favor fools over wise men. But just forget that momentarily, for the sake of this sales pitch.

At present we are able to attend a comedy club and listen to a stand-up tell jokes that cause us to laugh and experience mirth; but in the future we shall be able to enter a House of Depression and hear an Anti-Standup deliver spiels that make us weep and feel sorrow.

What should we call these orations? What’s the opposite of a joke (something that makes one sad, the way a joke makes one happy)? I don’t wanna answer “bad news” cuz we already have corporate journalism for that. I named these non-jokes “spiels” above; I guess I’ll stick with that, until someone corrects me.

I wish I could come up with a good example of what these spiels should sound like, but all that comes to mind is a simple description of horrible events. Like, someone takes the stage and says, “Good evening; how’s everyone doing tonight?” And the crowd murmurs “Miserable.” And the Anti-Standup would say “Great; looks like we’ve got a good crowd tonight; this should be a good show.” And some heckler in the back might shout “Boo! We want a bad show, not a good show.” And the Anti-Standup sez: “You know what I meant, asshole.” Then she tells the ushers: “Ushers, kill that man.” And the ushers shuffle over to the heckler and use a couple of spare folding chairs from a nearby table to beat him to death.

Then the Anti-Standup continues: “Alright, so here’s my first joke…” (It’s customary for Anti-Standups to refer to their spiels as “jokes” even tho they’re intentionally the opposite of humorous: this was simply considered proper etiquette in the beginning, back in 2077, when the first official Anti-Standup routine was performed in commemoration of the centennial of the inventor of the concept — the comedian Bryan Ray — and it was still considered ill-mannered to defy what possesses legal precedent.) I say, then the Anti-Standup continues:

“Alright, so my first joke is as follows. The percentage of our populace that is unemployed just quadrupled last night, and one of those now-jobless people is currently inching toward your house, wearing a robot costume, planning to rob all your valuables.”

And the audience wails and moans.

Then, fifteen minutes later, thus saith the Anti-Standup:

“Joke number two. All pet food is poisoned, as of now. Your pets are therefore dead. And let there be a famine, too: now there is no longer any food for humans, so you must return home THIS INSTANT and consume your dead pet. It is all that you have left to eat. And after you eat your poisoned pet, the poison kills you too. Now you’re all in hell.”

And the audience sobs and vacates the establishment in great agony, and they all drive home in sorrow, and they see government agents waiting on their doorstep. The agents murder them in cold blood.

P.S.

A variation on the second joke is that the famine causes you to eat your own child; also it could be said that the audience goes on a trip with all their loved ones, and they suffer a plane crash, which leaves them trapped in an isolated place; they are thus forced to eat their friends and family. Anything with cannibalism in it is guaranteed to get a good weep.