Same Story (part 1)

Dear diary,

Think about how things were, back in the days, before any plant or herb grew in the field, and there was no water anywhere on the globe. Jehovah the Scientist had not yet made rain to fall. And there were no humans either.

Now suddenly a mist comes out of the ground and moisturizes the entire face of the planet.

Using this moistened earth, Jehovah the Scientist fashions an earthling. He breathes into its nostrils his divine breath; and the earthling comes alive.

Now Jehovah the Scientist plants a garden out east, in what is known today as the ancient city of York. This is where he places the earthling that he invented.

And, at this point in the story, Jehovah the Scientist causes every type of tree to grow from the Earth — the trees that have a pleasant appearance, and the trees that bear meat. Also, right in the middle of the garden grew the two most famous trees that ever were classified: the Tree of Wisdom, and the Tree of Info.

And an irrigation system was installed so that the garden of York could be watered by the Nile, which today is known as the Mississippi River.

Now Jehovah the Scientist traps the earthling in the garden of York so as to observe him. His plan is to take some notes, maybe do an experiment or two.

And Jehovah the Scientist announces to his earthling, over the intercom: “Go ahead and eat the meat from all these trees. The only exception to this rule is that you should NOT eat any meat from the Tree of Wisdom, cuz that meat is poison — it’ll kill you; believe me.”

Then Jehovah the Scientist goes back to observing his earthling, and he jots down more notes. And one of the notes reads: “Perhaps the subject is lonely.” This is jotted in the column of the notebook labeled Hypotheses. And, under the corresponding header, Resolutions, it is written: “Find a playmate for the subject.”

So, out of the moistened earth, Jehovah the Scientist fashions every type of livestock known to man, and every fowl of the air; and he brings these inventions before his subject to see what his subject Earthling will name them (Jehovah the Scientist always refers to his earthling simply as “Earthling” — sort of like when one names a dog “Dog”, or a stray god “God” — this is why he is curious what Earthling will name the potential playmates that he has fashioned for him); and whatever name that Earthling gives to every living creature, that is the name that gets recorded in Jehovah’s Science Textbook.

Thus did Earthling classify and give much-needed labels to all brands of livestock, and to the aforesaid fowl of the air, and to every beast of burden owned by man.

However, the Earthling does not seem to accept any of these beings as its playmate. For neither does it play nor mate much with any of them.

So, as a last resort, Jehovah the Scientist administers a general anesthetic to his Earthling (which is to say, he uses certain medicines to put the beast into a deep slumber, so that it will not feel pain during the following medical procedure), and Earthling sleeps; then Jehovah the Scientist performs reduction surgery on its bosom, and closes up the flesh, thus leaving it flat-chested. And the zaftigness that was subtracted he then transplants into the frame of an alternate sculpture — the one reclining on the divan that is wired to a lightning rod, at the far side of the lab. This figurine now becomes a blessèd damozel: she blinks alive when her forehead is kissed by a thunderbolt.

Thus, after marking a clear “X” in the box labeled Success on the experiment form, Jehovah the Scientist gestures discreetly to the damozel, who then goes over and strikes a pose before the Earthling.

Now Earthling cries: “This animal looks like a new improved version of ME; therefore, since I am titled Jehovah the Scientist, let us name her Jehovah the Scientist No. 2, as she’s the next nude to descend the staircase.”

For this reason, children should run away from their parents who created them. And, if they grow up, the kids should playmate whoever they like. Flesh is a joke: easy come, easy go.

(TO BE CONTINUED . . . )