How to Vote in the USA while Keeping Your Friends

What follows is just an experimental piece of writing, a guilty pleasure that I indulged in to give myself a break from composing my ongoing bible-rewrite (which reached its 33rd part yesterday).

I chose the title of this present travesty as an attempt at "clickbait", which is a term used on the Internet to mean "content whose only purpose is to beguile potential visitors to click on its hyperlink".

So, what is important to keep in mind while reading the following is that its body text is probably going to be a disappointment, since all that matters is that I got you to click forth and visit my non-monetized site here. One can only hope that you'll regret your act, as you find the bulk of the article to be a letdown. I'm therefore like a spider catching unsuspecting readers in my web.

How to Vote in the USA while
Keeping Your Friends

Here in the USA, where I have lived all my life, we have two political parties: Republican and Democrat.

This year (2020) there is an election to determine who will be the next Prez. Right now the Prez is DJT. He's a Republican.

The Democrats are trying to choose who they will run to be the challenger of DJT. The only person I like is Bernie Sanders, who is technically a member of neither party altho he's trying to run as a Democrat. And there are other Democrats who are still striving to get the nomination. (I am writing this before the Democratic primary has concluded. In fact, it has not really even begun: only those who've sent in an absentee ballot to make their choice early have actually voted.)

Now here's the problem: Many of my friends prefer one of the handful of Democratic candidates who are still competing for the nomination. And other friends prefer the current Prez, DJT.

Now, I think it's more important to please one's friends than it is to care about politics (which is why I named this article "How to Vote in the USA while Keeping Your Friends"); thus, even tho I prefer Bernie ONLY, and I can't stand anyone other than him, I would like to learn how to change my preference to either a standard Democrat or the incumbent DJT. So here's what I do:

I ask my friend "Who are you planning on voting for?"

And she answers "So-and-so."

Then she turns the question back in my direction: "Who are YOU voting for?"

Now the ball is in MY court, so I just repeat right back to my friend the same name that she listed:

"So-and-so; that same name that you just said is my own answer as well,” I say: “in other words, I shall vote for that person too." (If it's DJT, then I say DJT, and if it's someone else, I say someone else.)

This way, I remain friends with all my friends, and politics never gets in the way.

So that's what I recommend others to do.

However, you may wonder what I do when I actually get inside of the voting booth; since I've promised all my friends that I'll support their favorite candidate, what lever do I ultimately pull when I'm standing in that private place, face-to-face with the official machine?

Well of course I will pull the lever labeled "Bernie Sanders" because that's my top choice (he's my ONLY choice, really); but even this will not matter. The lever-pulling is only a formality. The name that actually receives my tally will be either one of the other Democrats or DJT. The reason for this is as follows.

If you vote using an electronic machine, the machine can be manipulated by the clandestine elements of the U.S. government to register your vote however they see fit.

But (I now imagine some heckler asking) what about paper ballots?

If you vote using a paper ballot, then the people who count the ballots only need to add your vote to one of the other candidates or DJT, instead of giving it to Bernie as you requested. It's that simple.

Lastly, I need to address the concern about multiple friends:

NOTE
on multiple friends

During a regular lifespan, I myself only talk to one single friend at a time, so the problem of political argument can be avoided in the fashion explained above, by simply declaring that one prefers one's only friend's favored candidate. But it has come to my attention that I should address the problem that arises when one speaks to a group of two or more friends, and each friend declares a different Prez-preference; for normal people possess many friends simultaneously and therefore may be confronted with irreconcilable demands at any given moment.

Say that one of your friends prefers DJT, and another friend likes one of the non-Bernie Democrats. What should you do, in this case?

My answer is to turn so that you're facing your DJT friend and announce: "I will vote for the same Democrat that our friend X here just said he's voting for," but wink noticeably to your DJT friend while speaking, so that she knows you are lying. Then turn to your Democrat friend and say "No, I'm lying; I will vote for DJT," but wink hard while declaring this, so that your Democrat friend knows that you are being sarcastic while your DJT friend thinks you're telling the truth.

Yes, my advice is that you should lie to all your friends, for the sake of peacekeeping. Remember: "Blessed are the peacemakers" (Matt. 5:9) — those are the words of Jesus.

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This is the best advice that I can come up with, so early in the morning. If you have a better idea, or if you think I should vote for a candidate other than Bernie Sanders, just leave a comment in the space below, and I'll follow your advice. Thanks for reading; and have a great day!