Same Story (part 12)

Dear diary,

Oh, but before we take leave of our raven friend, who was the first soul out of the boat when they landed, I should add that this bird was very kind to Noah, her captain; for, after she perched on the branch that she found outside, which happened to belong to an olive tree, she (the raven) pluckt off a leaf in her mouth, and offered it for a gift to Captain Noah, as a symbol of her thankfulness, and also as a sign that the waters were abated from off the earth.

And it comes to pass, on January 1st of postdiluvian Year One, that the waters go back to acting totally normal again. So Noah opens up the ramp-door of the boat, and removes the protective covering from the vehicle’s land-skis. Then he double-checks, and, behold, the face of the ground is still a bit moist.

But by February 27th, the earth is bone-dry. Not even a mist goes up to wet the face of the ground; so it’d be impossible to scoop this earth with your hands and sculpt new humans or animals and then blow into their nostrils to make them come alive.

Therefore God speaks to Noah, saying:

“Lift up your hands in victory and step away from the boat. You don’t need that thing anymore. Give it a push from the rear — the land-skis will help it coast down the mountainside. Tell Lilith that I’m waiting for her outside. Invite your whole family to burst thru the exitway — all your daughters & sons — prepare to surf down the ramp-door. They can jump out while the vessel is sliding downhill. It’ll be fun. Tell all the animals to come out, too — I miss them dearly; I wanna see them, and shake their hand, and tell them ‘Good job!’ Bring forth every living thing that accompanied you on your journey. All flesh: from chickens & camels to frogs & locusts. I want them forcefully to eject themselves while the ship speeds down the mount, and, at the same time, I want them to give birth to all their multitudes of offspring that they conceived during the flood. For I trust that they followed my advice while staying in those rooms that you reserved for them on your love-boat. I bet a few of them even remembered to display the ‘do not disturb’ sign outside their door.”

So Noah’s family shuffles out, as the boat starts to slip off the slope. Soon the vessel was whizzing faster than a cannonball down the mountainside, and every beast of every type is parachuting out the front entryway, and giving live-birth in the air. Even the songbirds and lizards, who were accustomed to laying eggs, now convert in mid-leap to the mammal-style of childbirth instead; cuz the evacuation of the cruise ship happens so fast that they don’t have time to gestate a hard shell to protect their young. But all their offspring turn out fine — not one creature gets hurt; because God is watching over them.

And they all look on in awe as the wooden vessel zooms and crashes in a fiery explosion at the base of the hill.

Now, as soon as the all living beings have abandoned the boat, the first thing that Noah does is build an altar to Jehovah. He takes a sample creature from every attractive species (meaning the ones that taste the savoriest when roasted) and places their flesh on the grill of the altar. Then he sets up the picnic table, and has a barbecue in God’s honor.

So, in due coarse, Jehovah comes sauntering down the mountain. He sniffs and smells a sweet savour; then he cries in his heart:

“I simply ADORE this band of earthfolk. I will bless the whole planet for Noah’s sake. For he’s a jolly good fellow. And we should do this Flood Catastrophe again, someday soon; cuz that was tremendous!”

And just to be extra nice to his new favorite generation, Jehovah God decides to eliminate the drearier seasons of winter and summer: He fixes it so that, instead, the atmospheric conditions can only vacillate between the far blissfuller seasons of autumn and spring.