Dear diary,
I was reading this book, and I came to a passage that I strongly disagreed with, but this passage brought to mind a good topic for an essay; so right now I wanna try to write that essay: I will begin by telling you about the book’s passage, and then I’ll talk about the topic that it made me think of.
The book was titled Parenting Techniques for U.S. Christians. That wasn’t its actual title; I just said that to razz you. But that was its essence. Now, when I got to the chapter called “Discipline”, I met a passage that I strongly disagreed with. The passage said:
It is good to beat the hell out of your children; however, make sure that you do so only when you’re in a dispassionate state. For if you begin to beat the hell out of your children while you are still hot with rage, your child might think to himself “My parent is simply unable to control her anger.” So instead, when you are in the heat of passion, you should say to your child, “I am currently furious, therefore I am choosing to walk away, and to leave you alone until my passion dies down. Once I am calm, I will then return and beat you to death.” Now, do just as you said: leave the room for as long as you need, to cool down. As soon as you’ve had a chance to collect yourself, return to your child, and explain in a flat, chilling voice: “Now it is time for you to suffer.” Then you may proceed to beat your child to death. This way, instead of blaming this doom on your lack of emotional control, your child will think to himself, “Ah, I see the reason for my punishment is that I have sinned against the LORD.”
Now, like I said earlier, I strongly disagree with this passage. But every evil has a tiny hint of good tucked somewhere inside it; and the positive thing that I derived from this negative excerpt is that it triggered a semi-related thot. And that thot was this:
Why do people advise against seeking a new lover while still on the rebound? Say that your current lover sends you a text message that sez: “I hereby do annihilate our relationship.” Now you are loverless. One might think that the naturalest thing in the world to do, at this point, would be to seek a new lover, so as to fill your heart’s lover-shaped void. But, for some reason, people advise against this; they say it’s unwise. They say (and here’s where the above passage from that evil book led me to begin thinking about the present topic): “Let your sorrow abate before looking for love again.”
& when you ask them “Why the heck should I do THAT?” they say:
“Because if you find a new lover right after losing your last lover, you’re exceedingly liable to settle for a lousy lover, since you’re more concerned with tranquilizing your pain than with aggrandizing your life. Whereas, if you patiently endure the sadness of your breakup, & let your sorrow run its course, the gloom will eventually evaporate, and you will learn to appreciate life as a single individual. Growing ever more independent, you will soon discover the hidden treasures of loneliness. At that point, if you meet a potential lover, you will accept not even a suggestion of lousiness about them: instead, you will demand that they improve your existence; which will be difficult, because you’re so genuinely happy with bachelorhood. This way, you guarantee yourself only the choicest partner. You perhaps even force divine providence to cough up your soul mate.”
Now I take issue with this counsel. I understand its prudence, but I’m not at all persuaded that it’s the best course. It seems to me that this problem of having recently lost a relationship has a more sensible solution — and, like all the best things in life, it’s simple and easy:
Just oppose the above advice, boldly, and soothe your sorrow by seeking a substitute lover. Waste not one instant feeling pain that can be abated; but arise from your bed, dry your eyes, fire up your portable computer, & type a group-email to all your co-workers:
Dear fellow clerks and attorneys, I am pressing “Send All” on this letter, so that each and every one of you at the firm receives a copy of what I herein shall announce. My reason for addressing you thus publicly and collectively is as follows. My lover just dumped me. Marsha from shipping: she kicked me to the curb. She tossed me out like a sack of potatoes, on the street: now I am as a bundle of perishable foodstuffs that fell off the back end of a delivery truck and is in danger of spoiling unconsumed (or, worse, being smashed flat by passing traffic). But I’m not writing to all of you on this wretched occasion just to cast blame; my secondary reason for bearing my soul in this fashion is to advertise my updated status, with regard to relationships: Please note that I am currently available. Yes, it is true that I am “on the rebound” and thus very desperate — as Frank Booth sez, in the film Blue Velvet (1986), “I’ll love anything that moves.” Therefore I reasoned with myself: Who knows; maybe one of my distinguished colleagues at the firm is likewise partner-less, and we could console one another. Perhaps we date for a week or two and then call it quits. No big deal: after another group-email, we could hook up with further associates and constituents, and hop from rebound to rebound, letting love lead us. I don’t think this notion sounds too bad. You would get to meet a lot of nice, new people, along the way. You could add them to your social networking registry, and they might come in handy in the future. For instance, if you were to take an arc-welder for temp-spouse and then part amiably, you’d be able to call her for help whenever you need arc-welding done, and she’d give you a discount on the bill. It wouldn’t even matter if you happened to perform poorly in bed during your stint together, because you both were convalescing from cruel breakups: in other words, that’s understandable. And even in the worst-case scenario, say you DO accept the lousiest lover in the land, and you’re so muddle-headed and emotionally unstable that you end up marrying this creep, after a courtship that lasts just one fiscal quarter, & the ceremony takes place in Igloo Chapel at the Mall of America — all is still OK; time marches on! So what if now you’re wedded for life to a jerk who does nothing but sit at his desk all day dreaming up blog posts that offer unsound advice on relationships? Even if that proves to be your lot in life and love, to be strapped with a loser, you can always adjust to this barbarous standard of living. That’s one of the hallmarks of human beings: we’re extremely adaptable.
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