Dear diary,
Today’s a hard day. It’s a nervous day. I can neither write nor antiwrite. (What’s the opposite of writing? I just put “antiwrite” cuz I’m too cool to be bothered with such stuff.) The reason this is a hard and nervous day is that there’s nothing to look forward to: the future got bored and decided to leave us — we of the present — like a piece of land that broke away and flew off, leaving its brother as a cliff.
Yet again, therefore, since writing is the only thing that can take my mind off the terribleness of our current predicament, I can’t avoid writing, altho I don’t have anything to say…
I guess what I’m saying is that this entry will be a normal entry.
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I wish I could figure out how to live in the far future. That way, I’d remain safely out of the realm of things that exist, and I’d be always a mere aspect of possibility. Also, since most people are optimists, I’d most likely live a very pleasant life.
I wouldn’t want to live in the past, however; cuz if you’ve ever read a history book, you know that the past was awful. Except the ages that were ruled by good kings wisely — I mean those times when people wore barely any clothing, and everyone was shapely. The world was genuinely beautiful, back then.
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The idea of conquering seems scary, unless you’re on the side of the conqueror. Like, when we talk about a land being invaded, if you imagine such a thing from the perspective of the inhabitants of that land, the invasion seems unattractive: for instance, let’s say that you and I are farmers who live in Lapland, and we get invaded by the forces of Rome — in that case, Rome seems frightening and awful; whereas if you consider the same assault from the Romans’ standpoint, so that you perceive and perform the onslaught from within the body of one of the invading mercenaries, everything that was frightening and awful just one moment ago is now suddenly gleeful and righteous, high-minded, irreproachable, praiseworthy, lawful, just, honest, decent, and meritorious.
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No, Rome is always bad. I hate that place. The above hypothetical is a failed exercise — blot it from the record.
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& what if you lived way back in the time of the plague! Now, every man is scared that he might catch the sickness from his neighbor’s wife. So all adultery comes to a halt, and all the townsfolk hide in their huts: nobody fornicates. Food supplies begin to run low becuz no one dares to go out & harvest the potatoes, for fear of the plague.
This scenario is a win-win for death, because, no matter what a man does, he’s sure to croak: either from the plague, or from starvation inside his own hut. And when you’re dead, you’re just a corpse: you lie there on the ground, where you collapsed (or under the ground, if you’re lucky enough to get buried), forever & ever. You feel nothing; you are nothing. Your body never decomposes.
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But here’s how to choose the right item, and get the best deal, if you ever visit a candy store:
Find the bar of chocolate that you desire. Now locate another comparable bar of chocolate — a different brand that equally appeals to you. Note their price tags. One of the numbers on the tags should be smaller — that’s the one that you should buy: the smaller number means that you’ll pay less money for the same amount of chocolate.
Keep this in mind, whenever you go to the market. It works for everything except art.
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I’ve never had any feeling for the proverbs of Solomon. I’m now talking about the biblical book that is simply called Proverbs. I don’t even know if I believe they were written by “the son of David, king of Israel” — I don’t know if I care one way or another. So this is a totally neutral subject to me. It doesn’t interest me at all. Or the only thing that interests me about it is the fact that I’m so indifferent:
That’s kinda intriguing, wouldn’t you say? It’s not every day that you come across a topic that leaves you feeling absolutely 100% unmoved. — And I’m a fairly passionate person. If you change the channel on your television and force me to watch some show that you yourself like, I’ll definitely give you a piece of my mind; usually I’ll say “What is this shit? I hate it! Shut it off.”
Oh, but before I move on to quoting from Proverbs, let me add one thot to the paragraph above concerning the plague. I forgot to switch the perspective around and show how fun it is if you view the same dismal event from the standpoint of the virus or bacteria (germ, bug, microbe or whatever you wanna call it). Just like when you were the farmer whose village was attacked by Rome, you hated your life; but then when you got to be the Roman mercenary who was committing the pillage, we agreed that life was still rotten, but only because the Roman government was an oligarchy, which ruins the flavor of even the finest meal; in the very same way, it was less than comfortable for you to die of starvation, hiding away from the plague in your airtight hut, but now try experiencing the same tragedy from starvation’s vantage point: Walk a mile in its hosiery. It’s a little more mirthful, isn’t it? The same play is now almost a comedy.
OK now here’s a quote from the proverbs of Solomon. It’s from the first chapter. The part I really like comes after this (I like the part about Wisdom, from verse 20 forward: “Wisdom crieth without; she uttereth her voice in the streets...”) — but I wanna share these lines that are not particularly to my liking. Again, I’m not saying that I dislike them: I simply have no feeling for them, one way or another.
My son, if sinners entice thee, consent thou not. If they say, “Come with us, let us lay wait for blood, let us lurk privily for the innocent without cause: Let us swallow them up alive as the grave; and whole, as those that go down into the pit: We shall find all precious substance, we shall fill our houses with spoil: Cast in thy lot among us; let us all have one purse” — my son, walk not thou in the way with them; refrain thy foot from their path: For their feet run to evil, and make haste to shed blood. (Proverbs 1:10-16)
The thing I find interesting about this, as I said above, is nothing at all. It’s rather annoying because nobody ever performed any such feat as is described here. Plus the author insists on calling me his “son”; yet Solomon’s not my father, and I’m no kin to him: If I were to meet him in the street, or at a restaurant, I would slap him with my opera glove, thus triggering a duel; and I would ask you, my gentle reader, to be my second. (In a duel, the “second” is a trusted person of the principal — the person dueling — who negotiates the duel on the principal’s behalf; and, for anyone who does not engage in them as frequently as I do, I should also explain that a “duel” is a contest with deadly weapons arranged between two people in order to settle a point of honor.) Moreover, I don’t believe in the concept of sin, thus it’s impossible for me to believe in sinners, so when Mr. Solomon advises “if sinners entice thee…” I’m already tuned out. I couldn’t care less.
But let me consider the exact proposition of these “sinners”, point by point. Solomon portrays them as saying: “Come with us, let us lay wait for blood...” That means: Let’s plan on murdering some stupid fool. — What’s wrong with this? Who’s against murdering stupid fools? Anyone who’s stupid deserves to be murdered; and a fool deserves to die doubly so, cuz he’s a fool! So I guess I’m starting to like these “sinners”: their speech is enticing; I’m ready to consent.
Now they continue, saying: “...let us lurk privily for the innocent without cause…” This bothers me a little, I must admit. I liked the idea of murdering the fool who was stupid, because that fellow was practically begging to be slain; but to kill an innocent person without any reason — that’s unsettling.
Ugh, I don’t know if I can do this “favor” for you, Duke… it’s kinda scary… I'm not feeling it.
—Officer Sunshine, from the film Wrong Cops (2013)
The sinners continue: “Let us swallow them up alive as the grave; and whole, as those that go down into the pit…” Now I’m back to liking this offer. I assume “the pit” means Hell, also known as Hades or Tartarus. I’m a fan of that place. Plus I like the idea of the grave literally swallowing somebody up — if I could make that happen, I think I’d do it. But I imagine that you’d need to have the power of a Super-God or some sort of cartoon animator, in order to get the grass of the ground to part and gape open wide enough to eat a full person, in the manner described. But, yeah, if granted the power, I’d likely agree to perform the deed.
Moses said, “Hereby shall ye know that the LORD hath sent me, and that I am a true prophet who speaks on behalf of God, not only words that come from my own gut: Look here and behold my opponents who claim that I am a fraud — if these men die the common death of all men, then the LORD hath not sent me. But if the LORD make a new thing, and the earth open her mouth, and swallow them up, with all that appertain unto them, and they go down quick into the pit; then ye shall understand that these men have provoked the LORD.”
And it came to pass, as he had made an end of speaking all these words, that the ground clave asunder that was under his political opponents: And the earth opened her mouth, and swallowed them up, and their houses, and all their goods. They, and all that appertained to them, went down alive into the pit, and the earth closed upon them: and they perished from among the congregation.
And all the members of the audience that were round about them fled at the cry of them: for they said, “Lest the earth swallow us up also!”
And there came out a fire from the LORD, and consumed the two hundred and fifty bystanders also.
(Numbers 16:28-35)
So that’s what it would look like, if I were to make the earth open up and eat anyone who dares to vote against my preferred candidate. I’d do it just like the Lord Jehovah did.
But back to the sinners from that first chapter of Proverbs — they continue to nudge me and coax me to join their criminal enterprise, saying: “We shall find all precious substance, we shall fill our houses with spoil…” This means: Let us rob the stupid fool that we slew above, and take his wallet, and use his credit card to buy as much capellini pasta (so-called “angel hair”) that we can fit inside our getaway chariot, and bring it back to our hideout — the hermetically sealed shelter from above, which you referred to as your hut. “Cast in thy lot among us; let us all have one purse.” I like this idea of communal living, and profit-sharing with my brothers and sisters. If we all cooperated to do the deed, we should all share the proceeds alike. I think we have created a pretty decent system: this is indeed an economy that works for ALL people, not just the wealthiest 1%.
And the multitude of them that believed were of one heart and of one soul: neither said any of them that ought of the things which he possessed was his own; but they held all things in common.
Neither was there any among them that lacked: for as many as were possessors of lands or houses sold them, and brought the prices of the things that were sold, and laid them down at the apostles’ feet: and redistribution was made unto every man according as he had need.
But a certain man and woman — Bryan the Bad, and his wife La Republica — sold their possessions, and kept back part of the capital gains, using an offshore tax shelter. His accountant also was privy to this deed, yet he brought a certain percentage of their wealth, and laid it at the apostles’ feet; & he filed it as a “charitable contribution”; and he demanded that Bryan and his wife be referred to henceforth as “philanthropists”, on account of this great liberality.
But Peter, the host of this presidential debate, addressed Bryan and said:
“Master Criminal, I have a question here from a member of our online community. It reads: ‘Dear sir, why hath Satan filled thine heart to lie to the Holy Ghost, and to keep back part of the price of thy vast riches? Why hast thou conceived this thing in thine heart? Thou hast not lied unto men, but unto God.’ (I think the audience member is referring to that famous passage from William Blake’s tract, The Marriage of Heaven & Hell, which sez: ‘The worship of God is: Honouring his gifts in other men each according to his genius, and loving the greatest men best; those who envy or calumniate great men hate God, for there is no other God.’)”
And Bryan, hearing these words fell down, and gave up the ghost: and the earth opened her mouth, and swallowed him up. Then great fear came on all them that were watching the debate from home.
And after the space of a number of televised ads, Bryan’s wife appeared onstage, for she had decided to enter the competition as well, not knowing what had just happened to her spouse. So she stood behind one of the podiums, prepared to answer some softball questions, in hopes of winning the presidency herself.
And Peter the mediator said unto her, “La Republica, tell me whether ye paid your fair share of taxes.”
And she said, “Yea, not only that, but I contributed a generous amount of charity and even became an official philanthropist. Don’t you read the newspaper that I own?”
Then Peter said unto her, “How is it that ye have agreed, together with your deceased husband whom the earth just swallowed whole and then straightway rejected by vomiting into the outer spaces, to tempt THE SPIRIT OF THE PEOPLE?”
And La Republica stood there trembling from her pantsuit to her pearls.
“Behold,” continued the mediator, “the feet of them are at the door, which have suffered from thine & thy husband’s inhumane policies: if thou dost not relent, they shall carry thee out.”
Then fell she down straightway on live TV, upon the stage, all in a clutter at the side of the podium, & yielded up the ghost: & the earth opened & swallowed her with its mouth as well. And some of the stagehands came in, and found her dead in the orchestra pit, and, carrying her forth, lodged her inside a cannon, & shot her out into orbit with her husband. And they both occupy the outer darkness, to this day.
Then great fear came upon all in the studio audience, and upon as many as witnessed these things on their screens at home (for many were viewing the event remotely, due to the plague); & when they saw this outcome broadcast by such a dependable cable network, they rose up from their sofas, & shuffled forth into the streets, & laid them down on the ground as if it were a bed, & they waited for the earth to swallow them too: for they presumed this was the fate that was in store for all humankind.
Then there came out a multitude from the caring classes; they emerged from the cities & suburbs round about the Midwestern States, & they tended to the sick, & to all who were vexed by angel-spirits: and they healed every one.
(Acts of the Apostles 4:32-5:16)
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