Dear diary,
What is narrative? Is it the act of connecting the dots of unrelated events so that they resemble a smooth-flowing waterslide? Like when you spill stars out into the sky and then remark: Hey, these ones over here kinda remind me of a dragon; and that cluster over there kinda looks like a standard virgin.
OK, so that’s what a narrative is. Yet what is an effective narrative?
You have heard it said of old that an effective narrative must contain blah, blah, and blah. But I say unto you that an effective narrative will incorporate as many aspects of popular culture as possible.
Now, instead of continuing to impotently philosophize about this, let us actualize our findings by spinning a really good yarn.
We’ll need to start out with the best character possible: and that’s King Kong. It’s good to steal a well-known character from the movies; that way the person is already popular: we don’t need to work at marketing our hero; he’s already beloved by the multitudes.
So King Kong is writing a letter to his sweetheart, Queen Kong. He sez:
“O Sunshine, where are you? Do you even exist? (Have you starred in any good films lately?) I will come to your doorstep and taxi you on my camel, if you can tell me your address. I also request to know your telephone number, so that we can enjoy long conversations at night. I can lie in my bed and stare at the ceiling with the lights out, for there are stickers of stars up there which I can observe while we chitchat: I will relay to you the patterns that these randomly affixed star-stickers suggest to my mind, while you recline upon your own bed at home, eagerly listening; and your eyes are pulsing-heart emojis. I presume that you possess a canopied bed. I am imagining you as a teenager, so it would perhaps be more proper for me to introduce myself as Prince Kong (rather than King), and to alert your father, as I show up at your front door on my camel this afternoon, that I am here to pick up his daughter: Princess Kong. For she & I have made plans to partake in a romantic affair tonight.”
And Queen Kong writes back:
“Mister Moonshine, I accept thy offer. Come into my garden by way of the back gate. I will command my maidservants to stand outside of my window, and their hands shall be dripping with myrrh, so thou wilt know where to situate thyself. Do not attempt to serenade me: Remember, thou art an Ape; therefore thy singing voice is subpar. Note that I have freely given thee my maidservants. Thou mayest ravish them, and by the sound of the din that this shall make, I will know that thou hast arrived.”
So it comes to pass that, before Prince Kong even finishes reading the Princess’s letter, behold, he shows up at the entryway of her mansion upon the topmost gallant camel. Prince Kong rings the bell. The butler answers:
“State your business or I will shoot.”
Prince Kong is unfazed. “I am come to ask the father of the bride for permission to date his firstborn. Does the heavenly tyrant live here?”
“Just a moment,” sez the butler.
So Prince Kong steps back away from the lofty mansion’s entrance and takes his place beside the camel. He begins to groom the beast with smooth strokes, affectionately.
Now the mansion’s double doors open again to reveal the heavenly father:
“How did you find this address?” a voice thunders.
“I am here to court thy daughter. My name is Prince Kong.”
“How did you get past the flame-sword?” the thunder repeats.
Just then, Princess Kong appears. She is very fair to look upon. Slipping past her father’s menacing form, she steps forth, holding a pitcher over her shoulder. She goes to the spigot of the outdoor faucet, fills the pitcher, and approaches Prince Kong.
Kong’s camel trots forward to meet her, and sez:
“Let me, I pray thee, drink a little water of thy pitcher.”
[To give credit where it’s due, right here I’m thieving into our story a well-known passage from Genesis: Chapter 24.]
And Princess Kong sez, “Drink, my little donkey,” and she hastens to let down her pitcher, and holds it between her hands, and gives him drink. And when the camel has finished, she remarks, “You were thirsty, my little donkey-kong! — Now I will go draw some drink for thy driver as well.”
And she hastens, & washes her pitcher in the basin, & runs again unto the mansion’s garden spigot, & looks back over her shoulder once, quickly, to see if her father is watching, &, since he is safely distracted, she flips a secret panel aside in the exterior wall next to the faucet, thus revealing a hidden valve, which, when its lever is pulled, dispenses a stream of absinthe. And she fills up the pitcher.
Now Prince Kong, wondering at her, held his peace, to wit whether her father had spied this splendorous deception. And as it appeared that the Princess’s father was pacing angrily & scowling down at the ground while swearing & cursing to himself, Prince Kong began to grow excited & to feel confident that tonight’s journey would turn out to be prosperous.
And it came to pass, when Prince Kong had done drinking, that the camel trotted forward and presented a golden earring of half a shekel weight, and two golden bracelets for the hands of Princess Kong. And the camel said:
“Whose daughter art thou? tell me, I pray thee: is there room in thy father’s house for all three of us to lodge?”
And she said unto him, “O my little donkey, I am the daughter of the overlord of the heavens, which he got by his maidservant Nahor. Isn’t that plain? Just look at Nahor; then look at me.” And she said moreover, “Yes, we have both straw and provender enough for a sweet little donkey-kong such as yourself, plus room to lodge in; therefore you may join us on our adventures. I don’t know if your driver informed you yet, but he and I plan on marrying in the near future. So you’ll be our mode of transportation: you can trot us down the aisle.”
And the camel bowed his head, and worshipped the Princess.
So Prince & Princess Kong led the camel around to the back of the mansion, into the garden, & tethered him to a fig tree underneath the bedroom window. And the maidservants that were there began to pet the camel, and they fawned over him & sang the Donkey Song, while he licked at their décolletages.
Then Prince Kong grabbed the Princess’s hand, and they dashed off in the direction of New York. They had both always wanted to live in the city, so this was an exciting move. They took a taxi to the Empire State Building, but it was temporarily closed, on account of the coronavirus, Covid-19. So they decided to scale it.
“Seriously?” Prince Kong’s eyes widen.
“Let’s do it! Nobody’s watching,” sez the Princess.
So they begin to shinny up the side of the skyscraper. And when they reach the top, Princess Kong grabs hold of the broadcast-antenna lightning-rod with one arm, and dips the Prince with the other: and they kiss. — Meanwhile, U.S. war planes are roaring around and shooting at them; but this doesn’t hurt the Kongs at all, because they are in love; moreover the planes are small compared to the Kongs, who are enormous; so the Prince and the Princess barely even notice the attack.
Then they lift the roof off a diner and kidnap a brunette seductress who works there (she is thankful to be whisked away from this dead-end career) and bring her to the jungle with them, just for kicks. And they discard her name tag and rename Lilith “Doll”, and she grows fond of her captors; however, like the war planes from the previous scene, the Apes prove too colossal for Doll to make any progress physically in the realm of true love; so the three express their affection for each other purely mentally, by reading poetry & ancient scriptures to each other daily, and by taking long walks in the jungle.
Then they build themselves an outsize X-wing Fighter Jet, with two seats up front in the cockpit for Prince & Princess Kong, and one domed seat in the red-draped balcony for Doll; and they take a trip to the “Death Star”: a planet-sized hotel that needs demolishing. (Its owner is the current U.S. Prez.) And they shoot a laser-missile at the edifice’s navel, which causes the place to explode beautifully in a spillage of glitter; the fragments of which soon come to rest in a constellation that, again, sorta resembles a virgin dragon.
After that, the Kongs rummage around in an abandoned factory & find some hunks of metal, which they twist & reshape into a pair of motorbikes: one for the Prince and one for the Princess. And when bantering between themselves, in private conversation, they refer to these vehicles as their “hogs” — & one of these hogs has a sidecar for Doll. And there’s a mirthful moment in the montage sequence where, even tho the place where they developed these machines is clearly located in Japan, they affix a shiny decal to the side of each bike which reads “Made in America”. Then they go on a road trip and visit all the States except for Hawaii and Alaska.
And while traveling across the country, they partake of various soft drugs. They also order & eat hot-dogs & other street food in every culture that they visit: every town has its own interesting cuisine. They even stop in Minnesota to gaze at the house of the famous author Bryan Ray; for the city has turned the whole street where he used to live into an open-air museum.
Now the Kongs lasso their golden ropes around the statue of Bryan & tug it to the ground; and this sets off an alarm, so they run back to their motorbikes and flee the scene.
Thus the Kongs and their Doll have loads of fun. And the trip ends at a cemetery.
Bonus Features
But there’s one scene that got cut from the theatrical presentation of our story (cuz its special effects were not clunky enough), which is included among the “DVD extras” as an appendix in the paperback edition. It shows the ghost of Bryan haunting the graveyard, after the end-credits. He hovers toward the Kongs, who at first believe, upon seeing the ghost of Bryan, that the Princess’s father has come to take his daughter back, but soon they realize who this phantom is, so they say:
“Jesus! You sure gave us a fright. Remember us? We’re the ones who came into thy kingdom & freed thee. Thou wast frozen in carbonite.”
And the spirit of Bryan addresses the Kongs in French with English subtitles:
“Truly, truly, I was yearning to tell you both how thankful I was, but you left so quickly. So I’ve been flying nonstop since that hour, trying to catch up with you. You all drive dangerously fast!”
& Prince Kong sez: “Do you mean to say that you chased us on foot all the way from Minnesota to paradise?”
& Bryan answers: “No, I have this cape that helps me fly. But it was still a hard trip, cuz, being an atheist, my ghost doesn’t glow; and, during most of the voyage, the weather was unbelievably gloomy — I kid you not: from about the sixth hour until the ninth, there was darkness over all the land — I could barely tell if there was a dashed or a double-yellow line dividing the lanes of the highway that I was floating over. The clouds only just started clearing up as I neared my destination, this final resting place: aptly resembling the proverbial light at the end of the tunnel. And it’s weird that it never did rain, altho the streets are wet.”
“The cinematographer has the crew spray them down before every shot,” explains Princess Kong, “to make the scene’s lighting appear slick for the camera.”
Then Prince Kong turns toward the grove by the basilica & shouts: “Doll, wake up! come & meet the ghost of your favorite author Bryan Ray.” For Doll is asleep in the ferns, unclothed.
But Doll sez: “I don’t believe in ghosts. That’s why I study the words that Monseigneur Bryan actually wrote, so that I can become the thots of his mind. Why idolize physicality? Truly, truly, I say: even if you let me run my hand over all the bullet holes in Bryan’s body, caused by the gangsters who murdered him with their tommy guns, I will not believe that a spirit rises from death with those wounds intact that it received in the flesh.” And she went back to sleep.
Then Prince Kong turns to Bryan & shrugs: “Sorry, she’s a dreamer.”
Now as Bryan hovers nearer, he floats right thru a tombstone & halts in the midst of the Kongs & announces: “I think I’d like to bequeath myself to that damsel whom you just addressed as Ms. Doll; for I am straightway infatuated. Yes, look at this reading that I’m getting on my emo-meter (a device that measures emotions): It is love at first sight.” Then he approaches her where she sleeps, and he reaches thither and attempts to touch her forearm, hoping & praying that his palm will not simply go right thru her flesh, like his form did to the tombstone just a second ago; yet she pulls back her hand & holds it tight to her chest.
And Prince Kong remarks under his breath, “My God! that was close. The creator almost made contact with her creation.”
Here Bryan reprimands the Prince: “Mister Kong, because thou hast acted alongside us, thou hast believed. But any primate can do that. What I’m trying to do is bless one who has NOT played a double-role in this super-production, yet nonetheless believes. Cuz that’s where I desire to invest my fortune. It’s called: Going in for one’s chances... spending for vast returns.”
And many other things did Bryan say, during this portion of the story, which I did not record in the present account — but only because I don’t wanna overload my audience with too much wisdom.
At this point, the sun comes out fully & bathes the entire cemetery in bright light. And the ghost of Bryan shrieks and shrivels up like a spider on the floorboards.
And when I said just now that the ghost of Bryan “shrieked”, what I meant is that he cried with a loud voice & delivered a formal speech as follows:
“O Great Grandfather Kong, I tried my best to outclass thee; now, into thy paw-pads I commend my daemon. Having given my best shot to legally exonerate the fellow, I hereby give up the ghost. You can have it; I don’t want it. This farce is kaput.”
Now when Princess Kong, the daughter of Great King Kong, saw what was done, she glorified her Grandfather, saying, “Certainly what old Nobodaddy warned me about was true after all: this ghostly fellow was a genuine madman.”
And all the deceased Ape Aristocrats arose & came together to see this speech that their Princess admitted; then after they beheld the things which were done, they smote their breasts, and returned to Sheol.
And the audience was packed with many royal Kong-acquaintances who were still alive but very sick & close to death (that’s why they did not return with their friends to the underworld just now; for they knew that they would get there by & by), and they remained in the bleachers, mourning noncommittally & gnashing their gums. — Also there were many lovely, healthy, attractive women that still followed Bryan from the days when he tried to start up his cult; & they stood afar off, beholding these things. (The sprites of his Church preferred to remain always partially hidden, like fairies, in the countryside around Santa Maria Novella, Bryan’s former haunting-ground.)
Now there was a body-collector named Boba, who came & purchased the majority of shares in Bryan’s spiritual corpse. (The same had not consented to be claimed by him; but there was nothing he could do, for only half-dead Apes can alter corporate contracts.)
Yet Prince & Princess Kong managed to raise enough funds to bribe this Boba to proclaim them soul-mates officially, for his day-job was as a Vegas Priest, thus he had the power to join any two things in lust. Then they (the new Mr. & Mrs. Kong) begged Boba to re-brand Bryan’s body as their wedding gift.
“Do you mean the spiritual one, or his bullet-riddled flesh?”
“We’d prefer his spirit,” said the Kongs, still wearing their formal attire. And they looked back at Doll, to see what she would gesture, and she nodded sleepily.
Thus Boba fetched it down, and wrapped it in linen, and laid it in a sarcophagus made of glass, wherein never the ghost of an ape before was displayed.
At long last Doll drew forward, & beheld the sarcophagus, & admired how, all the while, so slowly & subtly, its chest rose & fell with a soothing rhythm. And she would return to that station faithfully, if ever her evening date needed to cancel; & she would prepare spices & ointments, intending to place them before the spiritual body of Bryan; but she always ended up tossing these offerings down the compost chute, prior to entering the viewing parlor, thinking to herself: “That’s a stupid idea. Stop pitying yourself.”
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