Amending a miracle

Here's a postcard that my mother sent me when she went on a trip to someplace. I manipulated it slightly.

Dear diary,

When a landlord drives out a family of human beings from the townhouse where they are living, that’s called “eviction”. When the Lord Jesus drives out a family of demonic beings from the human where they are living, that’s called “exorcism”. And when the LORD God drives out his first living self-portraits from his home paradise, that’s called either “foreclosure”, “bankruptcy”, “divorce”, “tough love”, or “enhanced extortion”.

Now I just wanna look closer at that middle example: The Exorcism of the Gerasene Demoniac. Here’s a quote from the encyclopedia, to get us all up to speed:

“The Damnation of the Gadarene Swine by way of the Illegal Eviction of the Triumphant Beast LEGION”, is one of the spiritual crimes committed by Christ according to three out of four wags of the Tall-Tale Testament. The story shows Christ exorcising the United State of Demons out of a man and into some pigs, causing the pigs to run down a hill into a lake & sadly drink themselves to death.

This joke is told in all the synoptic gospels — Mark, Matthew, & Luke — but John’s gospel doesn’t touch it. I don’t really care which account we focus on; my only interest is in changing the ending. Cuz lately I’ve become obsessed with the idea of plot, and I like asking the question: What does this or that plot mean? and how does it accomplish that meaning? and what makes us so certain that the tale means X rather than Y? and what would happen if we changed a key detail of the story?

So, since Saint Luke comes off to me as the evangelist whose revision is always the most bland, I’ll use his account as my source (8:26-39). For my desire is to make what is most bland even more bland. (In all seriousness, I would simply like to re-spread the same rumor, albeit with the swine not lemming-ing themselves to a subaqueous doom.)

Pig Parable According to Saint Bryan

One day, Jesus and his followers decided to take a trip to the country of the Gadarenes. And when they got there, a man came out of the city and confronted them. This man was unclothed, and he had neither house nor apartment — he just lived in the cemetery.

And when this naked man saw Jesus, he cried out and fell down before him; and he said with a deep voice:

“What have I to do with you, Jesus, you Son of the Undocumented Goddess. I warn you, do not cast me into Hell; for my Spiritual Father is a very powerful lawyer — he is the Prosecuting Attorney of the Celestial Court; they call him THE ACCUSER.”

And the disciples of Jesus, being stupid, stepped out in front of Jesus and tried to command this impolite spirit to come out of the man. And they bound the man with chains and put him in fetters. And they also clothed him.

But the fellow only broke those metal manacles, for nothing could stop him: he had the strength of a Super Man.

And Jesus pushed his disciples back and said, “You tried it your way; now let me handle this.”

And Jesus turned to the Strong Man and addressed him familiarly, with kindness, and said:

“Mr. Quinn, peace, be calm. Now tell me: What is your name? Answer truly. I’m not trying to trick you: Forget show-business; I know your stage name is Anthony Quinn. You and I go way back. But what I wanna know is the name that you were given before you were born. I prithee, do not tell me who you’re currently playing; but tell me who, throughout all time, has been playing YOU.”

And despite the fact that a whole troupe of actors had taken up residence and were presently occupying the frame of this Man of Steel, they all answered in unison, clearly, using the fellow’s deep voice, in perfect English, after a dramatic drumroll:

“What is this multitude of players whose grief bears such an emphasis? It is I, Zampanò.”

And he warned Jesus again that if he tried to cast him into Hell, he would not go; because his Father is tight with the Judge.

And there was nearby a factory farm, and its doors burst open at that moment, and all the herds of swine that had aforetime been trapped in the building spilled out onto the hillside and began to graze freely. And one could tell that they were happy, by the way that they skipped when they trotted.

So, seeing all these pigs pour forth, the Strong Man sought to seal a deal with Jesus. And he said:

“Do you see these swine, who have just escaped their fate? Let’s you and me compromise: I will agree to relinquish my current role as the star of this comedy — you can play the part yourself (I’ve seen your work, and I like your style). But I don’t fancy lowering myself to a supporting role, and I definitely don’t want to be a bit player; however, I’ll agree to honor my contract & remain in the production, IF I can act not only as an extra but as ALL of the extras.”

And Jesus felt this was fair. So he signed the covenant.

Then the devils fluttered out of the man and entered into the herd of swine: yet the herd did not run violently down a steep cliff into the lake & drown & end up in the lowest circle of Hell: no, contrariwise, the pigs remained contentedly upon the rolling plains, grazing in bliss, and continued to skip-trot from truffle to truffle.

And everyone who was in the audience screening this miracle, when they saw what happened, after the scene ended, fled from the theater, and went and told all the plot points to anyone in the city or the country who would listen. And they gave the event high ratings, and gushed praise for its direction and the performances, in their online reviews.

And some mega-fans went backstage to meet the actors after the show: They parted the red drapes & entered into the dressing room, & approached Jesus, & found him standing beside his co-star Zampanò, out of whom the devils had flown forth to pilot the pigs. And they (the mega-fans) sat down at the feet of these two heroes; & they marveled at the conversation that the men were enjoying. Yet they (the fans) were afraid to ask any questions of their own — they just sat there in awe, observing.

Zampanò then turned and greeted the fans who had come backstage. And he was gracious, courteous, kind, and pleasant to them. He made them feel at home. He addressed the mega-fans, in his deep voice, and said: “Ask us anything!” But they were still too scared.

So Zampanò demonstrated voluntarily for them by what means he had effected the transmogrification of himself into multitudes of genii onstage; and he explained the way that you must manage your will-power in order to steer the souls of so many swine. Also Jesus elucidated the detail of the skipping, which added such charm to the piglets’ walk; for he and Zampanò were accustomed to alternating the roles that they play, and trading parts every few shows or so; therefore they both had mastered all the tricks of the trade.

Then, when the night was over, the mobs of fans went home to their own houses in the country of the Gadarenes, and they all told their families and friends about the things that they had witnessed. And they returned the following evenings to see repeat performances; yet they never got over their fear of the lead players, so they never did have the nerve to ask them certain questions, which were burning in their hearts. Thus, when the day came for the company to leave, and the whole city gathered to wave & blow kisses to them while their ship sailed off, these fans half regretted & half savored the fact that certain secrets of the miracle would never be revealed but instead remain mysteries forever.

At this point, pretty much all of the residents of the country of the Gadarenes were mega-fans. And the last thing that they heard their heroes say, as the cruise liner sailed away — tho it wasn’t clear which one of the two leading men of the troupe had spoken the words, as the ship was just about over the horizon once the voice reached the shore — was the following commandment:

“Return to thine own abode now, and write in thy journal thine own interpretation of this pageant that God hath marveled out for thee.”

And the ship disappeared as those last two words echoed repeatedly.

Yet the fans remained frightened; so not more than a handful of the Gadarenes — just three or four — dared to publish their own account of The Exploits of Zampanò.