I stole all these photos from a computer seller's junk-advert; but I drew the speech bubbles myself.
Dear diary,
I live in a great nation. And one of the best things about this place is its President. That’s the position at the top of the pyramid: he’s the guy who answers to no one: not even money can sway him. And the other best thing about this country is that its electoral system is called “democratic” — that means that the people get to select who is their leader.
Now the present age is 2020 years old, and, although things may have changed drastically if you’re reading this in the future — say, a week or two from now — all I can tell you is that, at the time of this writing, the candidates contending for U.S. President are Joe Biden and Donald Trump. I forget which party each one is associated with, but that’s not important — anyone who becomes the President always does a good job.
But here’s my point in writing to you this evening: Just because these two particular citizens (Don and Joe) were chosen as the best and brightest among all the zillions of other Americans doesn’t mean that YOU YOURSELF might not get chosen to serve as the President instead. So watch your back, and be prepared. If enough of the voters in this country decide that you are handsome and wise, the power is in their hands to make you their leader.
It’s like being selected for jury duty: You receive a postcard in the mail that sez:
Dear blank [here, your own name would appear handwritten by the person who nominated you], you have been elected President of the United States of America. Straightway drop whatever you’re doing and report to the White House.
So, being an expert, I thought that it would be good for me to put together an Emergency Help Kit, to smooth the transition for any man or boy who finds himself thus unexpectedly blessed. Because, after more than an hour of searching the Internet, I couldn’t find any other online journals that were vending such a thing.
What I want to do first is tell you what type of background is required of a U.S. President, so that you can get yourself up-to-speed. (Nobody likes being disqualified from World Leadership on a technicality.) After that, I want to instill you with a general feeling of preparedness, so that you can swing at any curve-ball the job throws you.
Background required of U.S. Presidents
All Presidents must master the writings of Immanuel Kant, with heavy emphasis on his 1793 book called Religion within the Bounds of Bare Reason, specifically the sections about aesthetics. Joe Biden and Donald Trump both, long ago, mastered the works of Immanuel Kant; and each candidate has his most-preferred volume of Kant, which he continues to study daily: Biden’s favorite book is the Critique of Practical Reason (1788), and Trump just can’t stop re‑reading the Critique of Pure Reason (1781).
But I want to make it clear that I, Bryan Ray, the author of this Help Guide have NOT mastered the wisdom of Mr. Kant — I haven’t even read more than a few hundred pages; I attempted to trudge thru a volume by Kant many years ago, at the behest of my landlady, Martha Schopenhauer (may she rest in power), but I stopped halfway thru: the prose was just too stuffy for me: therefore I myself am not qualified to be the U.S. President.
One other prerequisite
The only other prerequisite to serving in this highest office is that you wear a suit. I’m not talking about a tracksuit or a jumpsuit, otherwise known as a sweat suit or “gym clothes”: no, I mean a nice business-suit that is tailored to your form. Don’t show up to the Oval Office (that’s the name of your workstation) wearing only jeans with a rope for a belt. Remember the proverb: “No shirt, no shoes, no service.” That applies to the Presidency as well. America doesn’t just let any old yokel represent her to the globe: she demands that her Chief Executive appear respectable.
Further Reading
I guess my Instructional Pamphlet is pretty much done at this point, because you’re mostly informed now. There’s not much else that is required of a President beyond the list of skills that I detailed above.
. . . Ah! but I almost forgot to tell you what is perhaps the most important condition of all — that is: You must own a valid motorcycle license and have at your disposal at least one motorized bicycle. (I’ll tell you why this is critical in a moment.) You should also consider repairing your friendship with that dependable auto-mechanic.
If you haven’t yet currently obtained an instruction permit for less-than-four-wheel vehicles, simply visit the exam station at Easy Rider Academy and pass the State Knowledge Test. The fee is $21 dollars.
Now the reason you’ll want to own your own bike and be able to drive it legally is, God forbid, in case one of the Previously United States tries to take over the Country:
For instance, say that the State of Iowa gets the idea in its head that it can pilot the whole Federal Government, so it begins to do just that. At this point, because YOU are legally the President, you’ll need to drive your motorcycle over there and calm the people down.
Or say that Wisconsin decides to physically penetrate the Oval Office (that’s your workstation, remember) — it’s incumbent upon YOU ALONE to ride the high road to the most proper exit, then go and pay them a visit and persuade them to yield. When it comes to individual States, you wanna see that white flag waving: that means they’ve surrendered, and that your nation is, once again, an Unbreakable Union. Henceforth, stay strong. And keep an eye on Wisconsin and Iowa.
Minor points missed above, concerning the Presidency
Hmm, let’s see now… is there anything I missed?
Oh yes, the “Woman Problem”. Honestly, I don’t know what to tell you to do about these women. I mean, they’re here with us; we’re not getting rid of them — we can’t even say that we want them to disappear, cuz we sorta do need them — they’re our sisters and mothers, after all…
I guess you’ll just have to learn how to get along with them. Throw them a bone, every once in a while.
II
And the freedom of religion with regard to the military: These are important realms of commerce. Tread carefully here. Give the military what it wants, and remind the different types of Christians that they’re all worshiping the identical painting of Jesus, even if there are four different portraits represented by the four illuminated gospels. As long as we’re all holding up the same Bible, and taking our Oaths of Office upon certified Holy Scriptures, I can’t see why God wouldn’t give us permission to do whatever we want. After a couple World Wars, we could go full gangster — it’s certainly worth a shot. Boundaries are made to be tested, after all.
And cruise ships are fun. Piña coladas. I like the boating community very much. They are very good people — all the islands that they know about. And the sun is so pretty there, and the palm trees and the beach. People wear less clothes when they’re suntanning — that’s a plus. And the sharks are obviously relieved to see us governing responsibly.
If I were you, I’d make the flattest area of the sand dune into a volleyball court. Install a net, get a few friends together. It could be a fantastic afternoon. Ideally if there were some trees nearby, you could enjoy their shade. And you could grill hotdogs, brats, and hamburgers. At the end of the day, reclining in the cool air, you might remark: “This is the lost paradise, hidden in plain sight. God shed his grace on us.”
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