I stole this image from a free booklet about community education.
Dear diary,
The world used to be fun, back in the days when everyone owned the same silver boombox & blasted the same seven rap albums nonstop; but, since then, the world has changed to unfun, because now all we do is toss wooden logs into the firebox of a steam locomotive that is heading toward the Grandest Canyon Ever. Therefore, today, as usual (or: as is fast becoming my new worst-habit-yet), the only urge I have is to compose a farce of my own, simply to escape from the farce of reality. — I want to forget about our shared, unremitting nightmare, if only for a spell while I write this morning. So forgive me while I try to spin a story that’s untrue and not even slightly based on actual events. It shall be a mere self-amusement. However, I fear that the type of lying nonsense that I intend to indulge in, which plainly and intentionally goes nowhere, will be too tedious if I don’t allow the text at least a hint of real-life tension; therefore, to keep our interest, I will use my own family’s christian names for all the characters. Perhaps, by doing so, there’ll be more of a chance that I’ll Freudian-slip my way into self-revelation.
NAMES OF THE RAYS:
- My dad’s name is Doug;
- my mom’s name is Rita;
- my own name is Bryan;
- my brother is Paul;
- & my sister is Susan.
You should commit those names to memory, if you want the tale at hand to mean as much to you as will mean to me. And I aim to give the following composition a 3 out of 10 on the “I Care” scale.
FAX
Doug Ray is born in the country. He soon finds a career: he becomes a professional plumber. He then begets his first son: Bryan.
Doug wants to give Bryan a lead pipe for his Christmas present, so they visit a store. Doug clamps Bryan onto his snowmobile, and they speed in the direction of the hut that is buried under the snow, in the far distance.
Doug and Bryan enter the hut. It is dimly lit. There is a lead pipe in the vending machine. Mr. Peterson, the hut’s owner, refuses to lend Doug the penny that the vending machine requires, so Doug puts Mr. Peterson to sleep. However, in the meantime, Bryan secretly reaches his hand up under the skirt of the vending machine and secures possession of the coveted lead pipe. Seeing this, Doug shouts “You found it. That is your Christmas present. Ho, ho, ho.” Doug throws Bryan outside & he lands on the snowmobile, & they leave the hut. It is midnight.
§
Returning home to Thief River Falls, Doug shows Bryan the cage where he keeps his “pet”. This creature turns out to be the adult humanoid Rita, whom Bryan is told to call “Mom”. Bryan then gets a job at the local bank.
On a side note, there is a stray dog who haunts the neighborhood surrounding the Ray household. This dog’s tag reads Firearm, and the running gag throughout the series is that Firearm is always scared that the bank is trying to kill him.
One day, while working at the bank, Bryan meets his best friend Paul. They become true brothers, and Paul gets a job living in Bryan’s household. Paul does this by impressing Bryan’s dad, Doug. (Paul and Doug are remarkably alike.) Bryan and Paul now share the lead pipe that was Bryan’s Christmas gift.
Now everybody is forced to go to school. The school turns out to be a standard Correctional Facility. The place is commanded by a former Math Teacher whose name is…
Actually, he doesn’t have a name: everyone just calls him Professor America. And he’s also a teacher of History.
So this Teacher now teaches everyone how to increase and multiply. Then he invites the class to his swimming pool, but the students all decline. So America the Math-History Teacher spends the rest of his afternoon performing experiments on unborn creatures.
§
Back in Thief River Falls, at the Ray household, Doug and Rita and Bryan and Paul are sitting in front of the black rectangular digital alarm clock as if it’s a fireplace. It is midnight again.
Now the Ray family’s neighbor, Harry the Used Car Salesman, severs the cord to his own Premium Cable Television, just to spite the Rays’ patriarch Doug, who, to avoid paying for his own subscription, had spliced and was siphoning Harry’s line.
The next shot is a slow pan across the fence that Neighbor Harry has built, to shield his eyes from the sight of the Ray household’s junk-heap. (Lawnmowers, hubcaps, tires, etc.) Upon the fence has been painted a mural featuring hoards of mischievous, reptilian monsters tug-o’-warring mankind back into the Stone Age. When the pan-shot ends, we see that the last character depicted on the fence is being slain by his own angel: God.
Alright, so, to review: Now that there’s no more evil in the world, the bad guy escapes from the house and goes to work in the local bank. He helps the Feds wreak havoc around the area of Thief River Falls, but he does so unwittingly. A new army rises up and tries to warn Bryan that he should quit his job, but he does not believe them. Many neighbors are injured or outright killed by this visiting army, including Ingrid, Mr. Peterson the Hut Owner’s ex-ex-wife (they remarried and re-divorced after her death, hence the double exes).
§
Next we see an astronaut being lowered down to Earth on a stair lift. This is the only inexplicable shot in the whole biopic.
§
Bryan now makes some friends at school. They go for a walk at night. They soon meet a woman named Kate, who uses a camera with a flash bulb to photograph this gang of scoundrels, previously assumed to be unphotographable. (When I say “gang of scoundrels” I mean Bryan’s cult: his friends from school: the ones who were currently out loitering, up to no good.) Then everyone goes back to their respective homes.
On the morrow, Bryan awakes and decides to play hooky from his bank job: instead he goes to a theater where a famous movie is playing: it’s a documentary film about shoppers who love to browse around at Montgomery Ward.
Doug and Rita now discover that the whole town has fallen silent — Bryan is still watching his show at the local theater — so they set off an explosion.
As morning approaches, the manager of Moose Movie-house carries Bryan out of the theater. Finding himself having been deposited next to a water fountain, Bryan unravels the cerements that have been wrapped around him, and he takes a seat on the fountain’s curved edge. His brother Paul now joins him. They begin to exchange ideas about money. Then suddenly the windows of heaven slam open and green lasers shoot down and melt the entire landscape directly before them.
In the aftermath of the rampage, the ghost of Mr. Peterson, true owner of the original vending machine, arrives to repossess his lead pipe. He scolds Bryan and Paul Ray for their callousness. He sends them to the Far East, where they are placed in a holding tank, which has all sorts of interesting wildlife in it, but the brothers never know if an executioner might be lurking behind them, trying to axe them right in the head. They’re saved, however, by the atmosphere itself; for the humidity is dog’s-breath here: it’s so thick, you can’t even cut the air with a knife.
So the ghost of Mr. Peterson then comes and rescues Bryan and Paul from their certain doom, because he feels sorry about sending them to the Far East. He explains, in a moving speech, that he was just in a bad mood that day.
HEAVEN OR HELL: THE SEQUEL
After the death of the Ray household, its owner, God, the great white ghost with the big lead pipe, falls victim to his own team of friendly smocked scientists at a laboratory in a state-of-the-art highrise building in Africa, owned by the eccentric billionaire Satan.
The lab partners beguile God into playing thru a trio of experiments:
Experiment 1
Douglas and Rita Ray return home after attending a parent-teacher conference at their children’s middle-school. They report that Bryan’s rude, insufferable science teacher has punched them (right in the face!) after they insulted her. Bryan is so upset when he finds out about this that he goes to his broom-closet and hangs himself. To make matters worse, when Bryan’s brother Paul tries to apologize to that very teacher on his parents’ behalf, she insults him and he ends up punching her.
Experiment 2
Rita Ray and her 1st female daughter Susan enter a yodeling contest but end up regretting it when they win LAST PLACE cuz they sound like cats.
Experiment 3
Father Doug Ray’s fidelity is put to the test when he learns that the dark-skinned woman (played by Lilith Light) from the local cheeseburger franchise is expediting his meal.
SERIES REBOOT
When God learns that the Ray family has lost its appeal, and that he himself has been the victim of a plethora of Experiments under the watchful and steady hand of Father Satan, he makes a wild pitch to some Executives at the Streaming Scripture Service and they green-light a revamp of his ancient mellow-trauma...
God lifts the veil from a large piece of cardboard on a tripod & we behold a poster displayed for the benefit of the meeting’s VIPs: it is a mockup of a webpage, with large lettering spanning the top which declares “HELL REALLY EXISTS:” beneath which is a sun-shaped button that sez “Click Here to Join!” Thus Bryan Ray becomes a 17-year-old high-school student who is sick of being average.
Living in a small town in Minnesota, Bryan’s only claim to fame is playing banjo in battles against inbreds. He himself is not inbred; no: not at all — at least he does not believe that that is the case — but he engages in deadly banjo-battles with other inbreds because he finds them easier to beat than regular halfwits.
Soon Bryan becomes a pro at basketball. He joins the school’s b-ball team, and they pay him good money to win all their games for them. He then begins to fall in love with a pious temptress. (For further reading about the subject of basketball mastery, see my 17-August-2020 entry, especially the postscript.)
The only problem is that the Dragon Goddess whom Bryan has a crush on is married to Scott Ferguson, Bryan’s sworn enemy.
Bryan then becomes a Real Man in hopes of winning the affection of this Dragon Goddess. He returns home that evening to find his Father Doug confronting him in the hallway. Doug reveals that he also is a Real Man; and he was hoping that Bryan would become a Real Man, too, someday, but he always half-feared that Bryan would equal or surpass him in Actual Manliness; thus he hasn’t ever truly understood his own fatherly desires. They fight to the death. Bryan wins. (The End.)
So Bryan helps his high-school basketball team win all their games for the next three seasons. – It’s super fun; but it’s also kinda boring.
Bryan’s friends are now jealous of Bryan’s success, because Bryan surfs around on a Big White Conversion Van with his name printed across each side in all capital letters. And everyone who even glances at Bryan instantaneously becomes infected with “BRYAN FEVER”; which is like love-at-first-sight, except you’re never hungry again. (His business card hails him as “Wolf-Man and Voodooist.”)
Basically Bryan becomes a total ball-hog, in the courtroom. But he continues winning the games for us, therefore we teammates still sorta reluctantly worship him.
Now everyone surrounding Bryan during the basketball tournament begins routinely engaging in casual sex. An entire new generation of babies is now consumed by their calling for life: they get born and become competition. Nevertheless, Bryan remains on top. He’s like The Wolf Who Cried Wall Street, except much more vicious. Plus, as I said, he owns the rights to Voodoo Power, which extends to even raising folks from the dead.
§
At this point in the blockbuster, Bryan decides to quit basketball and become a professional wrestler. So he does that, and the result is life-affirming. Even local plumbers buy his rap tapes.
So that is how Bryan learned how to produce the type of rap music that would become the seven rap albums most listened to during the time period spanning from the late 20th century to the early 21st century. It was almost a miracle. The Vice President from the USA in 2019 even traveled forward in time to pay Bryan a visit and offer him a chance to dine ALONE with his wife, whom he introduces as Mrs. Bloodbank.
So Bryan ended up rescuing God after all. The evil Doctor Satan was forced into a long-term relationship with one of Bryan’s ugliest friends, from his old gang that got their picture in the paper. This landed him in debt, which led to indentured servitude. And when Bryan stepped out of his office at the end of the movie, he was looking superb: there was a crisp crease down the center of BOTH of his pant-legs.
Intermission
Before the Last Act of this Tragedy, there is a brief intermission. The audience is informed that they can either go walk around in the lobby for a few moments; OR they can remain seated and watch a short advertisement that contains a helpful life-lesson. We all opt for the latter:
So we get to view this beautiful ad that teaches us how to tell if our refrigerator is running. The scientist in the bright white smock speaks directly to the camera, and we’re allowed to respond to him collectively. (Altho this sequence is purportedly pre-recorded, the man seems to genuinely hear us and interact with us.) Thus saith the scientist:
“Modern refrigerators are an indispensable amenity for any gal who wants to keep her fertilized eggs cold. But refrigerators are nearly useless unless they remain running. So today I’m going to tell you how you can know for sure that your refrigerator is operational. The first thing you wanna do is open the door. Feel the air inside the unit with your free hand. If the air is cold, that means the machine is in working condition. – But if your fridge stops running, you’ll know because its interior air will be warm: thus causing all of your eggs to have hatched: You’ll open that refrigerator door & see countless chix all spazzing about, flapping their little arms & shitting everywhere.
“Alright, now let’s review: I’ll ask you directly — I’ll pretend that I am calling you on the telephone — OK, here we go: “Ring, ring…”
Now we of the audience, as if under a mass trance, all answer as one: “Hello?”
“Hi, this is Science calling. Just a routine checkup.”
“Thank you for calling our house, Mr. Science,” we all say together, very slowly.
“Yeah, good to hear your voice today. I was just wondering: Is your refrigerator running?”
And we all say: “Yes, our refrigerator IS running.”
“Well then you better go catch it!” the scientist laughs long & hard at that punchline. Then the filmstrip starts to flap noisily on its spool, indicating that the halftime show is over.
FALLING ACTION
(Life Story Pt. 3 of 3)
So now, right at the midpoint of his journey, Bryan begins to do everything wrong. He feeds himself water, which causes him to sober up a little; then he invests in a hot-dog & puts ketchup, mustard, & relish on it. After this, he moves to the suburbs; but the people who originally owned his house climb out of their gravesite to scrape him.
The entire building where they are filming Bryan’s tale is thrown into chaos, when a burning tornado of flames spins past the set. Chairs are set ablaze, desks get singed, and all the cubicle dividers of the office are now on fire. We can hear many voices of the film crew loudly mooing, because they believed the rumor about firefighters having a softhearted, sentimental nature, which is prone to rescue livestock before human beings.
But Bryan escapes thru a tunnel and becomes pure electricity. Then he moves to Japan.
So now Bryan is a vampire hybrid who also looks like a spider, so he begins to sing “New York, New York,” and gets a standing ovation. (Can ANYthing kill him?)
He then amasses an army of devils and angels, and he compels the sky itself to come down and marry him.
§
Bryan suddenly grows obsessed with getting good grades. He wants to earn a college scholarship. He begins taking amphetamines. He stays up really late — past 7 a.m.
Then Bryan storms into the school radio station and takes it over. He karate-chops the record off the player and flings his own disc onto the turntable. He sets the needle down gently.
Bryan now goes on a blind date with a fellow rapper. This rapper is female (played by whoever is the latest famous female rapper who is at once the sexist and most vulgar, which is to say: the one who’s selling the most hit trax), and she turns out to be twice his age. They produce two children named Bryan Junior and Paul Junior, but they sacrifice their children to save the world.
Now Bryan buys up all the softball teams and becomes their communal manager. He forces them all to win every game, and they actually begin to like this sport.
At this point, Bryan’s ex-wife becomes a prisoner of war; so he rescues her and gives her a job at his diner.
Then Bryan gets drunk, and the entire scene is lost because it’s simply too good to be true.
Finally comes the part that we were all waiting for: Some tygers escape from Princeton University and begin to write critical essays about Bryan’s books. — At the same time, Bryan’s sister psychosomatically fuses with the sister of Friedrich Nietzsche, and these two dames become the NEW GOVERNMENT (the floosies are the government, to be clear, not Bryan and Friedrich — Mr. Ray and Mr. Nietzsche are just two philologists who tried their best to make the world a better place to wine-&-dine in), yet a whole bunch of fresh new girlfriends flood the marketplace and cause the Christian Church’s Stock to drop, thus annihilating the scandalous practices of the priests of that establishment. And all the children are saved.
Bryan then finds a way to magnetize the whole world of single mothers into his massive Tyger Contraption (made from the Princeton-tygers above) — it’s like the Death Star except in the shape of a Tyger-based Planet. And they become one vast Protectress who raises all cubs. This is actually the same event as the Fall of the Church; but it’s filmed as sequential finales, due to the limitations of spacetime.
But now Bryan’s brother Paul (played by Tom Hanks) voodoos himself back to life and gets a job right next to the job where Bryan wants to work, as a sleeve for the Devil.
But, much to Paul’s surprise, Bryan manages to impress all the girls at the workplace so that they offer him a promotion, and this puts Bryan in the position of Real Manager, which is even better than his former role as Real Man. (It has more characters.) So now he can afford to buy better screenwriters, to improve the quality of his life-goal ads.
Susan (Bryan’s sister) and the sister of Nietsche now turn to Bryan for advice. Bryan escorts both girls to the big house (Federal Prison, maximum security), without telling them where he’s leading them. Once they’re safely in the cell, along with Bill and Hillary Clinton plus all the Trumps and the Bushes and Obama, Bryan locks the door and tosses the key into the wine vat, where it sinks down and settles at the bottom next to a shapely strap of leather.
Bryan’s sister Susan’s emotions explode up to the level of piping hot as she realizes that she and Nietzshe’s sister have been jailed by the sheriff of this town, who is her own biological brother. The last shot shows Susan preparing to revive her dance career but ultimately expiring of an aromatherapy overdose.
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