For the obligatory image of this substandard entry, here's a substandard photo of a stack of books and tapes that were sitting beside my desk when I asked myself the question: "What type of picture should accompany today's fandango?"
& please note that I lit the items incompetently at first and thus needed to go back & try to fix my mistake with a manipulated overlay afterwards, which I botched as well: so there are at least two levels of ruin to be perceived within this very lucky construct.
Dear diary,
I’m told that James Joyce died at the age of 58, and William Shakespeare died around the age of 51. I pass these supposed facts on to the reader, & then I pause for a long time, because I don’t know what to make of them.
Jesus of Nazareth is said to have died at age 33. And I recall that Friedrich Nietzsche, the author of Thus Spoke Zarathustra: A Book for All and None, asserted somewhere in his writings that the Nazarene died too early: for, if Jesus had lived another decade, he’d have become Nietzsche’s own Zarathustra, which would have been an improvement.
Then Nietzsche himself, at 44 – roughly a decade after the age when Jesus died – suffered a mental collapse, which effectively ended his life, tho his mindless body endured a whole extra decade of being cared for by his mother (mothers sure love mindless bodies — now I’m thinking of my own mother’s years of caring for my own father’s husk); then he died for good at 55.
I find myself wanting to make conclusions from these data. I feel that, by studying the fates of friends, I should be able to figure out how many more years of non-brain·dead·ness I myself possess. I should be able to set up some sort of algebraic equation and squeeze these facts to acquire some truth-juice about my expected lifespan. And, by glancing at the bibliographic information of my heroes, I should be able to deduce the worth of my own literary exertions.
“Isn’t that the way it works in the movie world?”
—Officer Duke, from the film Wrong Cops (2013)
Walt Whitman lived 72 years, but he had published most of his best poetry (defining “best” as what I myself like most) by the time he was in his early 40s. That’s what age I Bryan am this instant. And Walt was 37 when he published his 1st edition of Leaves of Grass. That’s how old I was when I finished publishing my Collected Self-Amusements, Vol. 1 & Vol. 2. – Thus I’m guaranteed to get my fair share of love and respect.
And in the time-span from my Self-Amusements till now, I’ve been writing this Public Private Diary, whose contents I’m beginning to compile into a projected 12-volume publication — & when finished, that will be a milestone as well. Some people will like my diaries more than my zany writings, tho most will favor the latter; and some will even prefer my Religious Scripture, due to a quirk in their taste.
But all folks everywhere will wonder why I wrote so many texts. Who was I trying to talk to? Is all my writing just one big prayer to the ALIEN DEITY? Or is there actually some message for regular people hidden in this muck?
[Hint: Regular people are the ALIEN DEITY, in some strange way.]
If not exactly admirable, isn’t it at least curious that I’m doing all this bookwork on my own, without anyone paying me or guiding me by any discernible means? – Or is it all just pitiful?
I feel like a schoolkid who got kicked out of class and expelled from college, but notwithstanding I kept on working and studying; and I devised my own essays to answer my own questions on my own examinations, and I passed every test with flying colors; then I gave myself a 100% A+ grade in Advanced Solipsism.
P.S.
I regret wasting the entire main body of this entry worrying about death and wondering if I've accomplished anything of import; so now I'll try to do something stupid with this postscript:
I'll teach my audience how to write their OWN boox. That way, I won't have to do any more bookwork of my own. You & I can switch roles, gentle readership, and I myself can just kick back & read what YOU wrote.
HOW TO WRITE YOUR OWN DAMN BOOK:
Part 1: "What to do"
Just get something down. Anything at all. Some words would be nice; but, even if you find out that what you put on the page was not yet part of any known dictionary...
On second thot, you'll be fine. Even with scribbles or primitive symbols, your book will sell.
Part 2: "Four important elements"
You need to stare long and hard at my list of words to make your literary masterwork a major accomplishment: so here are the sole 4 basicest nutrimentals:
- names
- narrative
- nighttime
- & a nasty attitude.
I would distinguish these four essential nutrient-rich vitamins that your novel NEEDS TO SURVIVE. But I didn't plan to do so. So I'll just say that it's important that these things are developed together in parallel side-dishes.
(1)
A name is a word for a guy. Take an example: Mister Bryan. You can also give your protagonist the last name: Ray. Now you're stealing fire from Zeus.
Next: narrative. That means connecting at least three zigzagging plot points into each other's thread-holes. The first should always start out in the home: like, you could write:
"Bryan Ray left his house to go search for adventure inside the sea, but he forgot his life preserver."
That's a good opening movement. Then the second and third plot points should go up and down from that initial place, which we might nickname 'home plate':
Say that your rising action is contained by the sentence:
"Bryan Ray then went to the shopping mall and purchased a life preserver."
Now your audience is on the edge of their seat, because they knew that he (your main character) was penciled in on the schedule to drown, but then he saved himself, just like Jesus did: straight to God's face.
I suggest your third sentence should wind things up, round them into a bundle & haul them out to the gulch. You could have Bryan come home on a float in a parade, so that everyone envies him; or if you're going for tragedy, you could force him to get a job. Join the workforce in America. That type of thing.
STEP 3: "Form good habits".
You need to go to a good coffee shop, and make sure that it's the same one every time. Otherwise, when you write, your product will suck. It's also a good idea to check Facebook and Instagram before beginning to write. That way, you'll be calm and focused. Also order a caffeinated beverage and don't forget to drink it.
4: "background activity."
Make sure it's absolutely quiet inside of the Public Sphere. (Keep a soft hammer handy, to bonk any moles that pop up.)
impotent point numb # FIVE:
"For many people, the first time might feel deep in some way. ---- Do NOT fall for this."
Writing is never deep. Always keep your words flat and shallow, like the stingray petting-zoo. Remember those novels that you neglected to peruse, at least unto their endpoint, back in your schooldaze; because the events they depicted were heavy, and the book contained a message? That was nowhere near fun to read. (And if it's not fun to read, then it'll never be fun to write.) What you truly enjoyed reading were crossword puzzles and street signs. Also the pamphlet that came with your fiddle. And you liked that book of matches.
The next Step to Success: "Become a British novelist"
The lifeblood of fiction consists of being a tight Brit and writing really good prose. Memoirs and travel journals are excellent places to start. And I don't care how fantastical they appear: make your womenfolk compelling! — otherwise I'll accuse you of being a racist.
7: "most authors will want to have some sense of a 'Learn more' section on the 'about' tab of their outline's media site"
Tell your story in the order that its events occurred. If you brushed your teeth BEFORE murdering the 21st Century, then don't transform into the serial killer known as "Evening Valet" in some stupid, predictable flashback. Everyone will know that you're stair-mastering your career in the direction of the Lord-Year 1990. (Note how your phantom double avoided using the forbidden swear-word "1991".) A story should never be so tedious as to allow its narrative to tend toward a sexcapade during breakfast, with a nosy neighbor on the loose, fast asleep in the next room, and then let the whole thing launch into a squib that brings us nearer to the impetus that we sought for in vain last-morrow. – Throw some money at this problem.
Commandment Number 8:
NEVER eschew the totalitarianism of conventional writers.
Whether your love affair prefers a three-act or five-act washout, your story is about to relax (I promise you this) into what its worst critic shall call "confrontation and resolution". For these are terms that we use in the business. And they are popular with blockbuster formats.
9: "Always introduce your protagonist?"
YES!! you must introduce your story's protagonist. Otherwise she faces potentially disastrous complications.
Lesson 10: "Only YOU ask for help"
Don't be afraid to ask a British writer who focuses on word-building to lend you a hand removing your manuscript from the dustbin. One of the funnest aspects of becoming a failure is this part of the process that gets fuckt over & over. It's almost too hot to handle. But it's easier than creating something entirely from your own two...
OMG I've discovered that insiders find it almost more difficult to see what is vivid!!!
Tip 11: "intend your work for publication"
But instead of thinking that you'll be popular in alternative reality, form a historical fiction where you succeed in real life among your peer group, and try to believe in it; then try it at gunpoint. – Be sure to set a personal goal to involve considerable amounts of research: & as soon as you're comfortable, flesh out a place amid the text for the reader to stick it.
Final instruction #12 of 12: "two simple tricks"
Sub-instruction 1/2: "TWINZ (both dirty versions)"
If you're gonna let your characters sleep together, make sure they're officially married: check their fingers for any sign of a ring, and bribe a reliable priest to fill out some paperwork.
Don't hide your good characters. If any of your characters are unborn, hold off on blotting them until you've had some time to grow sick of their bullshit. Instead of scribbling out characters from group photos where they were standing with their arm around you at a party, simply cut out your own face from earlier photos and superimpose it over theirs.
2nd: "dream a vast enuff planet to bed your enemies upon"
It could be either 'great expanse' or 'gulf between', but in both cases it will help to establish the scale of the world in which these fictional foes yearn to boost your fame, with lust that is certified by notaries.
No comments:
Post a Comment