Keep Misery Companionable

To be clear, today’s entry is nothing but a response to a challenge. One of my friends sent me a dare, behind the scenes, in an email:

“You write too much of words. [sic] You should try to write lesser by running with horseshod boots that way too tuns. [sic] I mean you should try to give yourself a notty rule [sic], to slow you down to a drag. [sic] So there four, mon sieur Hercules, I propose this Souper Labor [sic]: Do try please to right won entry [sic] to finish the catchphrase ‘Beggars Choosers’ [sic].”

So then I wrote back to my friend and said:

“Do you mean that you want me to compose an essay that ends with the proverb ‘Beggars can’t be choosers’?”

And my friend answered:

“Nah.”

So I wrote back:

“Then what did you mean? I’m trying to understand you, but your text was slightly unclear to me.”

But my friend didn’t answer this last message, so I guess I’ll just assume that he meant for me to try to write an entry that ends with the sentence ‘Beggars choosers.’ — I sure hope this task is really hard.

Dear diary,

A girl comes from a bad family and marries a boy who came from a bad family. This girl and boy then have a child of their own — a daughter — and they are determined to raise their little girl with love, so that she will not come from a bad family like her parents did. Therefore these parents that came from bad families themselves end up raising a strong woman who comes from a loving family.

Meanwhile, elsewhere, another girl comes from another bad family and falls in love with a bad boy who comes from a similarly bad family himself. This girl and boy get married and have one child — a son — and, just like the couple from our first example above, they are determined to raise their little boy with love, so that he will not come from a bad family like his parents did. So this second couple who also came from bad families ends up raising a real mensch (a man of integrity and honor) — the proud result of a loving family.

Now let’s say the strong woman from the first couple meets the real mensch from the second couple, and they fall in love at first sight & enter wedlock within a week. Let’s say that, in the first few years of their married life, they end up bringing forth two children — a boy and a girl — and they raise these children lovingly. This is progress: Now we have a second generation of children raised with love.

My question is: Since there are so many couples coming from loving families nowadays and producing children who are then raised up lovingly, Where are all the bad people coming from!? Because you need only to take one look outside your window and you’ll see bad people everywhere — WHO, I ask, is raising all these bad folks?

Is it possible that children who were raised by loving families actually decide to join the Bad Side when they grow up? I assumed that all bad people were the result of bad upbringings. But I guess that if two kids who were raised poorly can bear children and raise them righteously, then adults who were raised by righteous parents can also spawn monsters who thrive on evil.

Think of the deer population: Are there any bad parents among deerkind? I’d say NO: and that answer stands for the whole animal kingdom — because a buck, which is an adult male deer, mates with a doe, which is a female deer, and they produce a fawn, which is a newborn grazing deer noted for its nimbleness and grace. And the same goes for antelopes, reindeer, or rabbits. They all mate and raise their young; and none of them practice techniques of bad parenting. So all their offspring end up loving each other. Now, it is true that, during the physical act of love, they move in an abrupt, jerky way — for example, when a horse mates, it jumps and kicks its back legs out behind it. And if any creature, during the mating season, actually manages to buck the system, its partner joins in and pushes against it. So everything is always improving among the animals. That’s why they’re so happy. They don’t have any money.

Now try shooting a gun if your foreleg terminates in a hoof — it can’t be done! The trigger’s too difficult to pull back, when you have this horny growth covering the extremity of your bulbous toe, instead of five soft digits with painted fingernails. Ergo: To operate a firearm, one must be a woman. So female ungulates (that’s simply a name for hoofed mammals) are stuck having to trample their victims to death. The guns shoot them, but they can’t shoot back.

And there’s this saying among the wisest animals of the desert: “Here in the desert,” (they say,) “it doesn’t matter if you possess a whole mountain of gold, cuz there’s no place to spend it — what counts as riches HERE are simple elements like water and food.”

But King Midas proved them wrong, when he moved to the desert with all his mansions and yachts and storehouses of grain; and capital investments, manufacturing plants; and ties to people in power. Nearly everything he laid his hands on, he was able to exchange for gold ingots. And at first he was scared:

“Peradventure I dream of a famine,” he said to himself, “I might run out of gold!”

So that’s why he ordered all of his golden ingots to be melted down into a molten soup, and then he poured this liquid gold into a calf-shaped trough; thus he had more than enough gold veal to sustain him thru many scores of future dreams about famine; because, as I said above, ungulates mate frequently and produce tender children.

Moses took the calf which they had made, and burnt it in the fire, and ground it to powder, and strawed it upon the water, and made the children of Israel drink of it.
(Exodus 32:20)

And just as a turkey is golden brown when it comes out of the oven, and hot cross buns are roughly the hue of slowly baked parchment, any golden calf will serve fine for a meal, if you remember to gild your stomach BEFORE sinking your teeth into the morsel you have sliced — for a regular fleshy stomach will not do the trick: the ruminant digestive system consists of a whole series of stomachs, all inlaid with gold. And gold can assimilate itself just fine, as long as you heat it; which process also eliminates food-borne illnesses. So Midas was actually healthier than the rest of the desert population, and, because of his so-called disability, he ended up becoming the KING of the Jungle. For the desert flourishes under the paw of a decent gardener. (God just refuses to water it.)

So the next time you see people cruising around in a stolen jet-ski, shooting shuttlecocks from sniper-rifles, don’t jump to conclusions. Simply grab your racquet and set up a net. At the beginning of the playoff, when both sides have no score, the game is love-love, which is a win-win situation, because, in tennis, the concept of “physical love” means having a score of zero or nil. That is tantamount to childlessness. As long as you’re not barren, this is excellent parenting. That’s why I’ve chosen, as my campaign slogan:

Make Badminton Goodminton.

And then when I pray for re-election, I’ll change my slogan to:

Make Goodminton Betterminton.

And that’ll work out just fine. Then, for my third term, it’ll be:

Make Betterminton Bestminton.

And my fourth and final term will be won under the banner of:

Keep Bestminton As-Is.

For, in North America, “as-is” is a term employed to warn buyers that the bill of goods being sold to them shall remain forever in absolutely perfect condition: there’s no need to check under the hood. Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth. Beggars choosers.