New JC (Cont.)

[Ch. 6 of ongoing text]

Now, for the second time since last Friday, the Hypocrite Angels strike a pose before Father Shaddai, and then Lucy appears, fashionably late, riding Bryan the Tyger. 

Shaddai glances at Lucy and does a double-take; then sez: “You again!? What’s the matter; did our agreement hit a snag? Is our great plan foiled?”

And Lucy smooths her hands over the sides of her skirt that cover her outer thighs as she gives her answer: “No, there’s no problem. I’m just returning after skulking around on my Tyger here. We’re always looking for trouble — I figured maybe you’d have a button or two I could push.”

Shaddai retrieves his pocket square and dabs his forehead in relief. “Have you finished already what we talked about doing with Jesus? I can’t remember the terms of our covenant, now: Did we agree to deprive him of all his possessions, or to shower him with riches? Or, no — I think I recall now: Aren’t you supposed to jab a thorn in his side?”

Lucy laughs, “No, Sir; the thorn is for his arch-nemesis, Paul of Tarsus — remember? (2nd Corinthians 12:7.) What you allowed me to do with Jesus is make him one of the top percentile of wealth-hogs. I proposed that now was the best time to attempt this experiment, since the world’s riches have never been more concentrated and less equitably distributed. My hope was that this would add a little color to Monsieur Jesu’s character, for I have long felt that it lacks a certain something.”

Shaddai stares hard at Lucy; then sez, with keen interest: “Well? And what’s the result?”

Lucy shrugs, “He’s getting better — he’s not as ornery now. But I think what would really do the trick is if you allowed me to give him a makeover. For you created him so plain, so homely looking. I know that that’s your taste, when it comes to prophets; but if you just allow me to render him attractive and dapper, and make him stunningly debonair, I’m sure that it would give him the confidence to flaunt his newly gained ultra-wealth.”

“I don’t understand,” Shaddai the Heavenly Father frowns; “nearly all of the mega-rich are ugly, but that doesn’t stop them from throwing their weight around…”

“Yes, but Jesus is wise, sensitive and compassionate,” Lucy sez; “and these traits are a severe disadvantage among the moneyed elites — not one of your ultra-wealthy possesses any such defects: it would be cruel to burden them in this way. (And they would not remain mega-rich for long.) So just let me make our young man Jesus handsome.”

Shaddai exhales and rolls his eyes, “Fine. I grant you permission to transform my favorite son into a pretty-boy. But just make sure he doesn’t enter into politics — that’s where I draw the line.”

“Alright: no politics,” Lucy smiles; “it’s a deal!” And, after the handshake, she gallops away on her Burning Tyger.

§

So now Lucy arrives at the penthouse of Christ and bashes thru the door, which bursts off its hinges. “Sorry — that was my Tyger’s fault,” she feigns shame; “I’ll have that fixed.” Then she leaps down off the beast, and in the process her skirt flips up for a flash to reveal nothing that is not there and the nothing that is.

Now Lucy sets to work. First she gives Jesus Christ a new hairstyle: fashioning his mane after Michelangelo’s David. Then she sculpts his torso, arms, and hands, as well as his loins, legs, and feet, after the look of Michelangelo’s David. (Lucy is a fan of Michelangelo, thus it pleases her, as a life-giver, to pay him homage.) She basically re-makes Jesus into David (who, as is well known, resembles a masculine version of Lucy). Then, as a final touch, she gives Christ two horns, like Michelangelo’s Moses.

Lucy steps back to admire the work of her hands. Beholding the splendors of this latest savior, she taps her lower lip and begins to smile while exclaiming to Jesus: “Thou verily sealest up the sum now: full of wisdom, and perfect in beauty. This is what I call a successful revamping.” Her smile widens, revealing a pair of attractive fangs.

She passes in front of the New Man, savoring his appearance with her eyes, pacing before him relaxedly back and forth a few times. Then she stops and declares: “The time of love is upon us,” and she spreads her skirt over him, and covers his nakedness; and she gasps: “You remembered our covenant!”

Lucy shudders and comes to rest on the New Man’s shoulder, and she falls asleep for a spell. Then she awakens and washes the New Man with water and anoints him with oil.

Now Lucy sets to work appareling her New Man. First she fashions a broidered work and drapes it over him. Then she shods him with badgers’ skin, and girds him about with fine linen, and covers him with silk.

She then decks him also with ornaments, sliding bracelets over his hands and places a chain on his neck.

Lucy affixes a jewel on Christ’s forehead, and earrings in his ears, and a beautiful crown upon his head. She decks him with gold and silver; and his main raiment, as explained above, consists of numerous layers of fine linen, silk, and hand-embroidered work. 

And the diet that she sets for Jesus Christ, the New Man, is fine flour, and honey, and oil. And even when the ruggedest menfolk (the type that are attracted only to females) set eyes on this gentleman, they cannot help but proclaim aloud: “Thou art exceeding beautiful, and thou shalt undoubtedly prosper into a kingdom.”

So it’s weird, becuz, if we can trust the record preserved in the Hebrew Scriptures, the historical David’s kingdom lasted only a short while; and then our Lord Jesus, who was supposed to be David’s eternal continuation, failed to obtain one single solitary heir — in fact, he never even technically made it onto the throne. Therefore, one can only hope that this New Messiah will prove a better leader for humanity, and that he’ll be followed by a lengthy line of kings, all good and none bad.

§

Now Jesus had a will of his own, so, after his blissful scene with Lucy, he arose from the place where he had been positioned; and, stepping forth, he looked into the mirror, to observe his fresh new appearance: 

Jesus inhales sharply: “I am handsome now.” — He almost cannot believe his eyes, but he manages to have faith in this unexpected (and very welcome) plot-twist. 

Christ forthwith begins to rise up and play, because of his gorgeousness’s renown; and he gives of himself freely, to each passerby. At first, only female angels in heaven (albeit all of them) follow their heart and take him by force; for they long to preserve the seed of his je ne sais quoi. Yet, soon, even successful earthly businesswomen accost him.

Then sez Lucy unto her Jesus: “Do you like this new life? Are you willing to praise Monseigneur Eloi Shaddai instead of cursing and slandering him and shouting ‘sabachthani’?”

The New Jesus lowers his gaze and answers Lucy in earnest: “I’m sorry! I love this new flesh that you have given me. Thank you, seriously. It feels good to be loved; and everyone is so accepting and forgiving of any shortcomings that I still possess (of course, this is no fault of my design but due rather to various willful habits that remain); and the damsels are all so forthrightly generous with their charms.”

Lucy looks upon her living creation with tenderness: “I think you’re fixed,” she smiles.