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“Who are you?” I say.
“My name is Eve. I am the mother of two sons, Cain and Abel,” she sez, and then she shakes her head so that her hair wins my attention.
I introduce Eve to my stepson Ialdabaoth — he’s the child that I inherited from Mary and Teresa, when I married them in my book called Not Novel 8. (The fact of his existence, however, is not mentioned in the aforesaid composition; for I believe in remaining silent about any truths that one would rather disavow.)
“Don’t introduce me to your stepson here,” Eve urges me: “for my appetite is insatiable, and I will immediately attempt to entice him.”
“Too late,” I say. Then she and I walk for a while on the rolling hills, with Ialdabaoth mock-innocently lurking alongside us.
Suddenly I stop and hold Eve by the shoulders: “I have an idea. Let’s get married, you and I. That way, Ialdabaoth will be officially verboten to you; for he will be just as much your stepson as he is mine.”
“I was just going to say that exact same plan,” declares Eve, and we kiss passionately.
But now I push Eve away: “Ay me, I forgot about your current husband Adam.”
Eve smiles, “If men can marry multiple wives, and even beget offspring legally upon their maidservants, then why can’t women keep an army of husbands at their disposal?”
I smile very brightly, signifying that I like the point that she just made; and we return to our passionate kiss.
After our huge white wedding, during our honeymoon, Eve endeavors to seduce Ialdabaoth, but he rejects her advances. “I am your stepson!” he sez indignantly, while pushing her away.
Eve is humiliated — no man or God has ever not wanted to marry her. She therefore runs to my arms for comfort, crying: “That hideous abomination Ialdabaoth whom you call our stepson just tried to greet me, but I would have none of it.”
“Are you lying?” I ask Eve; “Ialdabaoth is very prudent.”
“No! I swear he tried to hold my hand!” Eve weeps for fifteen minutes. “What happened is that I was at my office desk, penning my memoirs titled Genesis, and then I fell asleep; but I was awakened by the creepy feeling of Ialdabaoth’s breath: I opened my eyes, and lo, his fingers were near to touching the hand that I write with — ‘Ew!’ I shrieked. And he pulled back without making contact; then he fled from the room. After I regained my composure, I also noticed that he had apparently edited my manuscript, because I don’t remember writing a few of the things that are now in there.”
Hearing this angers me; because I truly love my wife Eve, the first human female, and I’ve always hated my legally assigned male-heir, Saint Ialdabaoth. So I decide to spend one of the three wishes that were granted to me by the deer that bounded past when I first entered Eden; and I use this wish to curse my inherited stepson.
I navigate the menu screen on my portable device and select “Ialdabaoth” from the list of existents; then I scroll down and select the curse “Give Bad Luck To” from the available Wish Actions.
So the deer apparently hears and grants my e-prayer, because a Giant Clam arises from the nearby sand trap and scares Ialdabaoth’s horses into a frenzy. (He is being pulled by six white horses at the moment — for he has stolen my golden coach and modified it so that it’s no longer a hybrid but runs on “100% green energy”; thus it no longer requires gasoline.) And, while the Clam consumes the coach, these horses drag Ialdabaoth to his death.
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