How to achieve the American Dream

Some people say that the American Dream is dead, but they are wrong. Here is how to achieve the American Dream: Go get an unskilled job for minimum wage. The money that you earn will pay for a house and a couple of cars, plus your clothes, food, and any medical expenses that you might incur. 

Now here's the hard part: you will have a lot of money left over, after purchasing the above necessities; but you should not spend this extra cash on things like entertainment, fine dining, and duplicate televisions. (You already have a widescreen television for every room of your house: you do not need two.) So just skip the cabaret show: instead, rent a movie from your local Video Rental Shop. And make meals at home: it's less expensive than eating out. Learn to deep fry various foodstuffs, and put a few chickens in the oven. 

After one month of living frugally, you will notice that you have saved up enough funds to start your own business. So establish a restaurant that specializes in the types of food that you learned to cook for yourself during your money-saving phase. You can hire several servers to wait on tables; and you can legally pay them less than minimum wage, because the tips that customers give them will make up the difference. Hire a busboy and a chef. Teach the chef everything that you know about the techniques of deep frying; also instruct him how to pre-heat the oven. 

Next thing you know, a pandemic will occur; thus, by no fault of your own, you will lose your restaurant business, because the state where you live will require all in-person venues to shut down. At first glance, this might seem tragic; but it is actually a blessing in disguise, because now you can take out a loan for school and go learn how to code. (I'm talking about the code for programming computers, not the code of the law. — Avoid the law at all costs.) Once you earn your diploma, seek out a software company that will hire you for just above minimum wage. At this point, stop and look at yourself: You've aged well; you're in your late fifties — now you can begin the online dating process, find your soul-mate, and get married; for you have achieved the American Dream.