Eighth of January

Now a Roman centurion came up and stabbed Jesus in the side, and he fell. So the cowgirl draped Jesus over the back of her horse and shifted into full-gallop mode. She was being pursued by her enemies, who were shooting arrows at her. Using Jesus as a shield, she kept taunting her pursuers. Finally, her enemies drowned in a brook. (Her own horse was able to leap over it, while her enemies could not.) So she dismounted and entered the building.

This building that the cowgirl entered was a restaurant, whose gimmick was that each of its tables came equipped with its own savvy businessman. The idea was that nobody should dine alone. So, on entering the establishment's automatic glass sliding doors, our cowgirl scanned the scene until her gaze alighted upon a dreamboat; then, pretending that she had scheduled a business meeting with this man, she strode towards him confidently. Pushing away the hostess who attempted to persuade her to sit elsewhere, she pulled back the chair from the round table and kicked up her boots. 

"May I get you some Classic Gibson Martinis, to start?" said a waiter, who appeared immediately.

Just then, Global Warming came true; so, many suckers lost bets to seasoned alarmists. But then a cooling period followed close on the heels of that catastrophe, which made the world a better place to live in. This was tragic for the former winners, who were inherently uncool. Now, anyone with a bad attitude and superior weapons got to win, no matter what.

Births followed births. Nature was red in tooth and claw. Hope kept life fumbling. 

Noticing multitudes waiting in line at the grocery store, I asked "Why are you here?" — They answered "You reap what you sow." 

I then noticed multitudes at the sackcloth wholesaler. Fashionistas, apparently.

"Huts, tents, and shacks — all are for sale. There's even a house that resembles a casket," barked a barker. 

All men are born with yuge muscles and a ferocious temper. All men go to war. All men carry firearms and drive a hard bargain.

All women are attractive. All women are wise. All women are nurturers, none are murderers. All women are capable midwives who drive a fair bargain. 

Every dog dyes his or her hair. Most dogs wear wigs. Poodles are the best dogs. Attack dogs are actually friendly. All humans love dogs.

Cats are cute. Cats are sly. All humans love cats. 

Are you a corporation? Do you desire to make a name for yourself? Then serve another corporation. For, as it is written, the fourth-rate shall become third-rate, when valuation's polarity lifts its skirt. This means that if you put another corporation before your own, as Jesus taught, and allow your competitors to dominate your...

But Jesus was dead from the beginning. (See above.) That's why I called YOU: I sought you out when you were only a heartless fetus. I found you playing dice by the Paumanok Shoreline Abortion Clinic. All the sea-waves were betting against you, but the sunshine won; so I slew the ocean. Then I took you under my cloak and whisked you away to a land of pure evil.

In the land of pure evil, you learned to live with its denizens. You got to know them just enough to do business together. Sometimes you even hit it off. 

You met a married woman and wooed her and wed her; then the two of you bought an isle and named it Albion. 

You invented rainforests, & they overran the earth. So you got rich. Then someone invented deforestation. At this point, you regretted killing the sea. But the amorphous ghost of all water un-faded into partial visibility and replied "Don't worry about it — I'm quite a bit happier where I am now." So you lassoed it back, like Christ did to Lazarus. And you placed it on the table as a wager, in lieu of a farm. This did not end well.