Another entry that turns into a...

I think I could make a decent living if I started charging money for the services of cuddling and friendship. Most businesspeople seem to crave these things; they’re in high demand. So if I were to nail an ad to the telephone pole outside of my house, I’d soon attract a multitude of clients. 

If you want to lie in the half-light and embrace platonically while remaining silent, we will do that. Or if you want to pace back and forth in my living room while complaining about your parents, I will listen. I am your friend. 

I’ll even take over any aspect of your life that you cannot handle. If your parents are at the age where they require constant assistance, I’ll tend to their needs — you can just go about your day: you don’t have to worry. I’ll feed your fish or walk your dog; and if you have children, I’ll get them to school on time and help them with their homework. 

Do you have an overdue bill? I will pay it for you. Do you need a ride somewhere? I will give you a new car. 

Were you born with a certain color of hair or skin that you wish were otherwise? I’ll set things right. Or perhaps you wince at certain facts in your ancestral record — it is not difficult for me to amend these details officially.

I understand the stress that modern culture inflicts upon the innocent, and I wish to alleviate it. If your job requires you to work long hours, I will negotiate for you to be allotted more free time: you can now take a paid vacation for as long as you like. I will help you relax. 

I will fix whatever is broken in your life. That’s the deal that I’m offering. 

For example, let’s say that you are a truck driver, and you notice that one of your vehicle’s wheels is flat. — I will air up that tire.

If you are a ballerina who cannot manage to lift your leg high enough, I’ll teach you techniques that will improve your flexibility.

For animal-lovers, I will make all animals happy. If you know a scientist who is performing cruel experiments on living creatures, I will draw that person aside and deliver an argument showing that this type of laboratory work is not only wrongheaded but unprofitable. Then I will show all the members of the scientific community a better path forward; and they will change their ways.

Say that you fall deeply in love with a woman at first sight, yet you are afraid to approach her. I will walk over and address her on your behalf. The two of you will make a perfect couple.

If anything in the world ever ends and you wish that it had not, I will cause it to come back.

Do you lack a sense of fashion? Do you wish that you knew how to dress yourself more stylishly? I will give you nicer clothes.

If you are a lamb who just broke your leg, I will mend your bone with a plaster cast, which can be removed very soon. Before you know it, you’ll be capering around the green hills again.

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Now, you might be asking yourself: Why would the famous author Bryan Ray be so kind to me? The answer is twofold. First, when a man achieves the level of success that I enjoy (for I am loved by all), his obsession becomes “How can I share this wealth?” Secondly, every master of the arts of cuddling and befriending was once a student of these same disciplines; and the best teachers are usually policemen — here’s my own story:

I was once a low down dirty rotten scoundrel. I was a sloth and a drunkard. All I did was lie on the couch all day and watch television. My favorite programs were soap operas, game shows, crime dramas, and anything about food — cooking, serving, eating, etc…. I also really loved automobiles. 

Well, one day this cuddly cop approached me where I was lying in the gutter, and he befriended me. We became compañeros. He took me for a ride-along in his cruiser. I forget whether it was a Ford Crown Victoria, a Chevrolet Caprice or Impala… it might have been a Dodge Charger. All I know is that the car was impressive.

So this policeman drove me around and showed me the ropes. He taught me the importance of football and baseball. He taught me arithmetic, and he introduced me to the world of finance. He insisted that I attend classes in firearm safety, and he helped me find a wife.

This cop also stressed the importance of religion. He never strong-armed me into joining any of the churches on his list — he only recommended that I give them a chance. And, to this day, I attend the services, wherever I can. They provide a bulwark for my continued recovery and development.

A long time has passed since those days. I remember the first favor that this officer did for me was take me to dine at an Italian deli. He bought me a sandwich. (I’ve never tasted a finer meal.)

Now, being satiated for the first time in my life, I asked if we could do something charitable. So the officer took me along with him on his next emergency call:

It was a domestic dispute. We solved it quickly. Then, as we were walking away from this scene, talking about how scary it is to face a heated argument but how rewarding it is to de-escalate the situation, we noticed that there was a tense group of mobsters nearby aiming their guns at each other in a standoff. So we arrested them and brought them to jail. But I counseled them in the prison and helped them learn virtue. Then they got released early on account of their good behavior.

Eventually we encountered the type of case that every police officer dreads. We apprehended a villain who was committing serially the most atrocious abuses on behalf of various spy agencies of the world’s most powerful governments. So we arrested and jailed him. Yet, after only a short while, the prison’s warden chose to shut off the security cameras and order his guards to escort this aggressor back into society under an altered identity. Well, my cop friend and I were able to remedy this injustice, by employing the combination of faith in a higher power and general stick-to-it-iveness.