Thots on the last day of Feb 2022

I am the most well-adjusted person you will ever meet. I’m 5 feet 9 inches tall, and I wear a collared shirt underneath my sweater. The weather is always slightly chilly, wherever I am; yet love is in the air.

I have a nice haircut; it is parted on the right side. My skin is tan — depending on the lighting, it can appear anywhere from quite dark to light olive. I am of unknown ethnicity. I have friends all over the globe. My spectacles are stunningly clean — I wear browline eyeglasses for fashion’s sake (they have non-prescription lenses) which make me look fetching.

I speak with a deep, rich, commanding voice that’s filled with compassion. I walk on foot, everywhere I go. Whenever I pass by an animal — say, a rabbit on the side of the road, or a turtle or a newborn baby moose — I scoop it up in my palm and speak to it kindly: I give it a blessing; then I place it back where it was. 

I own a whole fleet of private airplanes, but I never fly them myself. Nor do I employ any pilots (or, rather, I keep teams of pilots in my employ, just to support them and their families; but I never ask them to work). All my planes can be flown by remote control. I like to get one of them up in the air, and then I start up another and make it chase the first, until they both crash into a nearby mountain, which is also my property. I always make sure that there are no gazelles nearby when these fiery accidents occur; and I climb to the scene of the disaster myself and clean up the aftermath with a broom and dustpan.

I know Jesus Christ personally and accepted him as my savior. This was back in year zero. By the early three hundreds, he and I had lost touch. But then we saw each other at the reunion in New Jerusalem, and he helped me draw up plans for a superior world. He’s a really good egg.

I also have several girlfriends, and none of them know about each other; but I’m very good at juggling their appearances in my life, so they remain content with our relationship and believe that it is monogamous. I will never allow this façade to go on the blink. I plan to marry every one of my sweethearts. I actually have several wives already and countless children. And all of my daughters are U.S. Senators.

I maintain two farms, so far. One’s in Wyoming, and the other’s in Montana. I raise alpacas at the former and buffalo at the latter. My purpose is to create a place for these beasts to feel happy and play. I do not shear their wool, except in the summertime (solely for their comfort); and I never will slaughter them. None of my animals has ever fallen ill or died, because I tend them with care. 

I sport business loafers for shoes. I have a whole room filled with different types of loafers. And I shine them myself.

Whenever I enter a house in the suburbs, the children come dashing forth crying “Daddy! Daddy!” This is because I fathered them, and we have developed a strong bond, because I’m always present to offer them guidance in life. I never leave on lengthy business trips. I teach my little ones how to make sturdy forts out of wood, steel, or concrete; and I allow them to colonize our front yard. As I said before, most of my offspring end up in the U.S. Senate or Congress; unless they’re foreign, in which case they serve in Parliament. And my kids are incorruptible: I have instilled in them the value of honesty; thus, none of them would ever take a bribe or lend an ear to a lobbyist. 

I’ve never ridden a horse, because I don’t believe in saddles, but I’ve befriended many palfreys and stallions; and I enjoy mingling with them, whenever I come across one wandering in the field. Yes, horses and I get along very well. I keep apples upon my person, for just this purpose: my tailor has been instructed to sew deep pockets into my jodhpurs.

I enjoy ballroom dancing. Many a damsel has been swept off her feet by my deftness and charm. I once waltzed with the legendary Snow White (the “Keeper of the Dwarfs”). We got married in May.

I’ve invented many gadgets and gizmos, all of which are useful. There is a grandfather clock that I once tried to lure a robber to steal from me: The thing had actual living robots that would pop out and parade around the clock’s face on a railroad track, every hour on the hour. One of these robots even slew Mister Belial. (Mister Belial is an evil man who tried to cuckold God. Not even I can cuckold God.) I also invented the butler Devlin.

When any school schedules a conference between the teachers and their students’ parents, I am glad to attend. I ask the right questions, and I listen with interest to everything that is said. I solve all problems in a way that pleases both the student and the teacher. So everyone leaves the meeting satisfied.

I also bake the most excellent croissants. Buttery, crisp, flakey… let us faint.

Newscasters stop and stare when I enter the studio. Even if they are delivering a breaking report about something of immense importance, such as a tornado that’s heading straight toward your house in Kansas, they will stop in mid-sentence and gawk until I make the hand-rolling gesture that means “Get back to your newscast — you and I can chat in a moment, after your show goes off the air.” 

I’m friends with very many well-known people, because they value my spiritual guidance. Even Hollywood stars are starstruck when they first meet me. Then, once we get to know each other, these hot celebrities realize that I’m not some all-powerful deity that they need to appease — I’m just a well-adjusted human. So they send me fan letters. And I always write back.

Even monkeys admire me. You know how they’re always screeching “Hee-hee! Hoo-hoo!” and flinging shit and jerking off? Well, they stop all that, when I approach their cage at the zoo. (All monkeys live in captivity now; none of them are permitted a natural habitat.) They can sense that there’s something strangely uplifting about me.