My time with Officer Ludwig

So I was just cruisin’ down the boulevard with Officer Ludwig, my police partner of fifteen years, and we spotted a thief. Officer Ludwig slammed on the brakes and pointed firmly.

“Bry, are you awake? Do you see that woman stealing plants from the Garden Shop? Make a mental note of her whereabouts; I’ve got to swing by the station real quick.”

So we drove back to the police station and entered the room where all the criminal evidence is kept. 

“I’m always amazed at how much stuff we keep in here,” I said, while Officer Ludwig searched frantically from bin to bin. “What are you looking for?” I asked.

“Ah, found it!” said Officer Ludwig, holding up a bouquet of roses. Then he said sternly: “Now let’s get going.”

So we cruised over to the boulevard again. “Do you remember where the thief was lurking, whom we saw earlier?” Officer Ludwig asked.

“Yes,” I said, pointing confidently to the Garden Shop. “In there — aisle three: large houseplants. I see her now. She’s almost getting away.”

Officer Ludwig shut off the car and said “Let’s move.” Then we both climbed out our car’s windows and approached the perpetrator.

“Stay right where you are, ma’am,” said Officer Ludwig. The thief stopped in her tracks. “Allow me to make some introductions,” my partner continued. “I’m Officer Ludwig, and this is Officer Bryan Ray. Feel free to behold our badges: we’re the real deal. Now, the reason I told you to halt is that I saw you stealing houseplants. I would normally arrest you and bring you to the county slammer — the jail, that is — where you could await a fair trial; but something about your appearance and the way you move caused me to feel a strong attraction, so I got you these—” 

Officer Ludwig now held out the bouquet of roses that he had taken from the evidence room. The woman looked back and forth from the bouquet to each of the large houseplants that she was cradling. 

“Oh, I’m sorry,” my partner stepped forward and extended his free arm to the thief, disburdening her of one of the two houseplants, “let us help you with those. — Bry, will you take the other, so that she can receive my gift? Thanks so much.”

Officer Ludwig and I now stood holding the two large houseplants that the thief had been trying to steal, and the thief stood smelling the bouquet of roses that my partner had given her.

“What’s your name, if I might ask?” said Officer Ludwig.

So we all got to know each other better: We stood there chatting in the Garden Shop together until the sun began to rise. Officer Ludwig and I then helped the woman get the plants out of the store and into her sedan. 

We all exchanged contact info, and Officer Ludwig eventually ended up marrying this thief, after she moved in and lived with him for a few years. Then Ludwig and I returned to work: 

[Part 2]

We were patrolling a poor neighborhood on the bad side of town. I nudged Officer Ludwig with my elbow and said “Take a look at that.” — To the right of us was a park, and there was a woman standing alone beneath a streetlamp. “Are you thinking what I’m thinking?” I said.

“You assume that she’s a prostitute?” asked Officer Ludwig.

I nodded slowly. So Officer Ludwig made a U-turn over the strip of raised concrete that divided the lanes of the road, while switching on our siren and lights; then he drove the car up onto the park’s grass and came to a halt before the woman.

“Ah, she’s beautiful,” Officer Ludwig remarked, dabbing his forehead with his kerchief. “So much so, in fact, that I’m feeling like I might be a little too shy to speak to her.”

“You want me to handle this one?” I said.

“Yeah — if you don’t mind,” replied my partner; then he cursed and said: “Why must my courage fail me, right when I most need it!?”

I climbed out of the window and approached the beautiful woman. “Nice night,” I tipped my police cap.

The woman exhaled a stream of smoke from her cigarette and replied very coolly: “I’ve seen better.”

I held my police cap to my chest, cleared my throat and began my speech: “Listen, this is awkward, but my partner is interested in taking you on a date, but he’s afraid to ask you himself…”

Officer Ludwig was sitting in the driver seat of our squad car, which was parked directly before us, with his hands stiffly gripping the steering wheel. The woman nodded at this display and remarked, while exhaling more smoke: 

“Your friend’s a married man: I can see his ring. Is he playing with fire?”

I raised my index finger and said “One moment, please.” Then I walked around to the driver-side window of our police cruiser and Ludwig rolled down the window.

“How’s it going?” he asked, looking worried.

“Fine, fine,” I said. “But she’s concerned about the wedding band on your finger. She just wants to make doubly sure that you know what you’re doing.”

Officer Ludwig looked down at his police boots for a long time. Then he said “She’s got a point. I should talk to my wife before moving forward with this. Go tell the woman to wait right here, while we take a quick trip to Manhattan.”

“You wanna visit your apartment right now?” I said. And, when my partner’s determined look seemed to imply an affirmative answer, I cried: “But that’s so far away!” 

“It’s worth it,” said Officer Ludwig. “Honesty is always the best policy.”

I shook my head in awe at his moral integrity and said: “OK; will do!”

So I went over to the woman and explained the situation. Then I climbed back into our squad car, and Officer Ludwig drove as fast as was safely possible to the Woolworth Tower Residences, where he lives with his wife.

When we entered the apartment, Officer Ludwig turned to me while pointing to the empty sofa before us and remarked: “That’s strange. She’s not in the front room knitting, as I expected her to be.”

“Maybe we should check the bedroom,” I said.

“Good idea,” said my partner, Officer Ludwig.

So we walked down the hallway, tracking mud on the floor from our police boots (for, remember, we had just been patrolling a poor neighborhood on the bad side of town); and, when Officer Ludwig opened the door to the room, behold: There was a strange man lying on the bed beside his wife, and they both were wearing pajamas. 

“What’s this?” cried Officer Ludwig.

“I didn’t expect you home so early,” she said. “You told me that you and Bryan were scheduled for the night shift, and thus you would be patrolling the streets until sunup. Hi, Bry, by the way.”

“Hi,” I said, and stepped forward and kissed her hand.

“Well, this is uncanny,” Officer Ludwig said, while removing his police cap and wiping his forehead with a kerchief. “I had actually raced back here to the lower side of Manhattan because tonight I met a dazzling woman whom I intended to court, but I thought that it would be best to get your permission before doing so.”

Ludwig’s wife smiled brightly after hearing this. “Well then everything worked out fine,” she exclaimed; “for I readily permit you to wed this dame.”

“Are you sure?” Officer Ludwig said, while placing his police cap back on his head.

“Positive,” his wife nodded while making the ‘cross my heart’ gesture.

Officer Ludwig turned and looked at me briefly; then shrugged and said: “Alright, let’s go!”

So we raced back to the poor side of town and found the streetlamp where we remembered the woman to have been standing, but she was no longer there.

“Oh, this is awful!” cried Officer Ludwig. “All that for nothing!”

“Wait,” said I, pointing to a different streetlamp located further away in the same park, “I think she just moved over yonder; either that or we misremembered her location.”

Officer Ludwig drove over the lawn of the park until our squad car’s headlights were causing the woman to squint. 

I climbed out of the passenger-side window and said “Did you change your hangout? Or is this the same place you were standing before?”

The woman exhaled a long stream of smoke and gestured toward a recognizable bit of graffiti on the streetlamp’s pole: “Same place,” she said.

“Ah, so it is,” I marveled at the fact for a moment; then I said: “Well, my partner has spoken with his spouse, and she has signed off on the proposal. In other words, she has greenlit the deal.” 

The woman blew out smoke and nodded once.

Now, turning back to our police cruiser and shielding my eyes, I yelled “You wanna speak for yourself now, Lud?”

Officer Ludwig climbed out of his driver-side window and hastened forward. I then formally introduced my partner to this woman, and she put her arm out for a handshake and said her name.

“I’ll wait in the car while you two figure out which restaurant you want to eat at,” I said.

So they decided to go to this place that specialized in Russian food, which with I’m unfamiliar; and it turned out to be some of the best cuisine I’ve ever had. Officer Ludwig and his date invited me to join them at their table, to reward me for acting as their go-between; but I declined and said: 

“I’ll ask one of these smart women at the bar if she’ll allow me to buy her dinner, and we’ll sit a couple tables away, so that you two lovebirds can have your privacy, while, at the same time, Ludwig will be able to attract my attention easily, in case we receive an emergency distress call and need to leave to go fight crime.” 

So that’s what we did. I approached a very intelligent woman who was wearing glasses and sitting at the bar sipping vodka, and she agreed to dine with me. Our conversation was superb — she was definitely the smartest woman in the whole restaurant. And Officer Ludwig enjoyed his date immensely: He and the woman ended up living together for a while and then eventually getting married. (His wife approved of this, by the way; for she herself had taken not only a second but an additional third spouse; plus, when she met her husband Ludwig’s new fiancée, the two women fell deeply in love as well.) — And I myself even got married to the damsel whom I met at the bar that night, because we both cherished each other’s presence and wished to avoid ever having to say goodbye. So we remained together; and we all lived happily ever after.