First Entry in a While

I haven’t written an entry here for more than a month. My last was on 07 April. Every time I take a break like this, I lose all my readership — they probably assume that I simply quit my job as a journalist. So now I’m addressing an empty room.

The reason for my absence is that I was too distraught to write. Every time I would dip my quill in the ink jar, my hand would tremble with fear and leave my penmanship illegible. 

You ask me: What were you afraid of? 

Well, dear reader, the United States Federal Judiciary’s District Court of Minnesota sent me a letter saying: “Beware: at any moment during the months of March thru April, we might force you to serve on a jury.” 

Now you ask me: Why would this cause anxiety?—isn’t it an honor to fulfill one’s duty to one’s country? 

Well, I guess it is, for gentle readers like you, who have GOOD luck in life; for the system would probably grant you an easy assignment. But I myself, as a wild author who is haunted by BAD luck in life, was convinced that I would get assigned something very difficult: my presumption was that I’d be chosen to determine the outcome of some controversial case involving multiple grisly murders, and I’d be required to look at photographs of the victims, which would ruin my appetite. Then I’d need to argue with my fellow jurors, day & night, for weeks on end, since I’d be the only one who refuses to find the defendant “guilty”. And after winning over all eleven of the other co-jurors to my point of view, I’d rise & announce our verdict to the judge, thus acquitting the suspect on all counts. However, the first thing this exonerated fellow shall do is seek me out and slay me; which is the worst of all possible outcomes, because now I’m up in Heaven with the Lord GOD, who speaks with an accent and smells like a foreigner. Plus, the stock market of Paradise is too heavily regulated. It’s no fun, believe me.

But, despite all these fears, I was let off the hook, for the Court never did summon me. It’s now mid-May, & I’m as free as a bird in a cage.