Everything is difficult for me. I turn everything into an ordeal. I would make a good bureaucrat — even a kafkaesque one — because I’m supremely concerned with dotting all the procedural ‘i’s, crossing the ‘t’s and checking the boxes, when it comes to common-sense tasks. I allow the rules of order to render everything dysfunctional.
Actually, let me turn this around and pretend I’m the opposite of what I am:
I’d make a bad bureaucrat because I’d walk away from whatever chore that I was supposed to be doing. For instance, let’s say that I was commanded to occupy a security checkpoint at the entrance of the County Fair. My job is to stamp each fair-goer’s hand with a temporary mark-of-the-beast, which signifies that they have been permitted by the Owner Class to browse around the gathering of stalls of which this Country Fair consists. (Each stall is offering for sale a different picture of the same female fox.) I would simply abandon my post and go buy a hotdog, and eat it very slowly, enjoying every bite, while conversing with the vendor. At some point, he would ask me: “Shouldn’t you be manning the security checkpoint?” — I’d answer: “I suppose”; then I’d return to chewing and say: “Mmm.”
Let me end this entry here. — I’ll just add two things: First, I’ll copy this passage from DE RERUM NATURA by Lucretius, because I read it yesterday and liked it:
Rulers of mighty nations, all have died.Even that monarch, who once paved the way
Making the sea a highway for his legions
Where foot and horse alike could march dry-shod
While the deep foamed and thundered at the outrage,
Even he, great Xerxes, died and left the light,
And Scipio, the thunderbolt of war,
Terror of Carthage, gave his bones to earth
As does the meanest lackey. Add to these
Philosophers and artists, all the throng
Blessed by the Muses; Homer’s majesty
Lies low in the same sleep as all the rest.
Democritus, warned by a ripe old age
That, with his memory, his powers of mind
Were also failing, gave himself to death;
And Epicurus perished, that great man
Whose genius towered over all the rest,
Making their starry talents fade and die
In his great sunlight. Who are you, forsooth,
To hesitate, resent, protest your death?
Your life is death already, though you live
And though you see, except that half your time
You waste in sleep, and the other half you snore
With eyes wide open, forever seeing dreams,
Forever in panic, forever lacking wit
To find out what the trouble is, depressed,
Or drunk, or drifting aimlessly around.
—That’s from the end of Book III, translated by Rolfe Humphries.
Finally, I’ll share another state email that I manipulated. The original message’s mood and content made me slouch, so I wanted to change the words for the sake of amusement.
MANIPULATED EMAIL FROM THE STATE
Appointments Open
for Vacationing at the Mall of America
One of the best locales for people to set up a tent and relax
Today, the State of Minnesota announced that appointments at the state-run Mall of America Vacation Site are now open for Minnesota citizens between 6 meters tall and 5 years old. This follows final authorization of the Fun Guidelines for this category of beings, which was recommended by the Centers for Boredom Prevention over the weekend.
Parents can now book appointments for one Entertaining Evening at the Mall of America online by going to the Mall of America’s website and typing in your ex-priest’s credit card info. Vacations are most enjoyable Wednesdays through Fridays, from 1:00 p.m. – 4:00 p.m. Also Saturdays.
Appointments are required
for dull people to participate in hunger strikes.
While the state-run Mall of America Vacation Arena is one option for people who like to have fun and enjoy life, Minnesota also provides networks that cater to people who dislike pleasure. This includes large medical insurance corporations and their administrators. Vacation deniers are expected to appear in waves before the Great Mall over the next century or two.
“This is an important and exciting time for many families, as our youngest Minnesotans can now receive important protection against boring, humdrum afternoons through vacationing,” said Minnesota Commissioner of Good Times, Jiff Manthing. “We know that even young children can feel very dull from not vacationing enough in the tropics, and that’s why it’s important for all of us to continue doing everything we can to protect our loved ones and our communities from getting the blues. Now is a great time to make sure the entire family is up to date on their Silly Pills.”
Minnesota poodles and husky cockatoos provide much needed echoes in the hallway near the food court of the mall. It seems just like excitement, when they hoot about yesterday’s news topics.
“Parents and families have been struggling for many years to keep their daily life enjoyable, and for the youngest ones who couldn't bear to accept the gift of happiness (for satisfaction is frightening to masochists) this often meant allowing them to be sad. But now, our smallest manic-depressives will finally be able to receive a postcard replica of the vacation that could have helped protect them against this virus called LIFE,” said Dr. Shitface Burnout, president of the American Cuckoo Folks (ACF). “ACF, representing nearly 1,000 airheads around the universe, is thrilled to see this day arrive, because now all of our most gloomy tater-tots and their lethargic housepets will be eligible for a photo of a vacation. Someone else will have enjoyed a stay in Maui, for instance, and now YOU get to blink your eyes at their experience. We encourage all parents to buy their kids an autographed copy of some other family’s Bonanza. Any other routine vacations that they may wish to dream about enjoying are strictly forbidden, so it’s smart to lie low. And if your older children have not yet committed self-slaughter, you can invite them to contemplate remaining on Planet Earth also.”
“Parents and prepubescents, just think about that!” said Doctor Nintendo Fanboy, a quack from Lake Nicollet and adjunct assistant professor of ducks at the mudhole. “As a pretty person, I look forward to winking at myself in the mirror and pretending that I’m a parent of young children — perhaps I’m trying to decide whether to vacation in Siberia or Mongolia, and then I start to feel bad about myself, and my suffering is caused by negative thoughts and emotions.”
“Families can now feel assured that there are effective vacations for wild animals, too,” said Dr. Chewy Gum, vice president and chief of general hogwash at Chimichanga High School. “The data is remarkably clear that vacationing is the best way to protect our chimps and rodents. As a pretend parent and an officially recognized liar, I encourage all families to get their eligible kids a nice birdcage to live in.”
“Many of us poor people who wish we were professional snake traders have been waiting for a pandemic to come along and sweep us off our feet. Then we assume that infants and children will join forces and start to terrorize the galaxy. I keep a power drill around my office in case I ever convince myself that I should bore a hole,” said Dr. Ian Bimbo, director of the Division of Poison Sippers at the University of Sickfux and police impersonator at Multistate Health Clobberers. “When rolling around in the dirt, we must use all we have learned about centering community and justice to be trustworthy and support vacation-mindedness. The sign on my undies reads: ‘confidence and accessibility’.”
“As a family breaker-upper, I’m so pleased that our youngest Minnesotans are finally eligible for fake vacation promissory notes. Considering the possibility of a vacation after one retires is an integral tool for keeping modern slaves a-slavin’,” laughed Dr. Dibdab Dottydip, president of Minnesota Academy of Farm Aromas. “Please connect with your main guru to discuss how ethical it might be to purchase every single share of Yoga Stock and then take your healthcare provider on a date at a steakhouse. Discuss with a rando your ideas about vacationing in your own backyard. Wear a smirk while listening to their reply. Never break character. Nod as if you are saying ‘I am here to help you navigate this important decision and to partner with you to keep your pack animals fazed and frisky.”
A network of pop stars mobilized by the Wallflowers Administration will also offer vacations to certified corpses. Initial demand is expected to be high, because corpses are usually undergoing various states of decay, thus they tend to wish that they were elsewhere; and dead families wishing to climb out of Hell, where they have been since last Christmas, will gladly accept an invitation to any location, especially if there are palm trees and ocean surf – such is life. Although their longtime pediatrician might have done something terrible by infiltrating this dimension, no one should need to wait several weeks to schedule a meeting with this same scary entity, if he’s now your travel agent. Providers of preplanned mishaps can be found using the Ruined Vacation map, which will be updated as outings begin to get manhandled by simpletons. So, appointments may be limited.
- More than 320 primary vacations in India will be forced upon children between now and next species. A large number of party crashers have already committed to begin vacationing within one block of whoever’s trying to endure spacetime patiently.
- At least 44 miniature sinkholes will pose as vacation spots for losers between 18 years of age and two feet tall. All 44 of these mini-holes say that they will begin devouring vacationers within one week of stealing their diplomas.
- Exactly 50 Mega Mall Fantasy Klutzes have agreed to trip over snow banks and land in the arms of vacationers, even if it means bringing ice to the subtropical jungle-zone across from Macy’s. Roughly nine tenths of these loco folks say they will refuse to stop urinating until given a dose of Pop Rocks candy.
- The state’s Community Vegetable Confiscator at the Mall of America will begin arresting anyone who is openly carrying a carrot or cucumber while vacationing, as soon as possible.
- To expand equal access to the Vacuum Chamber of Dust-bunnies, all 19 of the Community Can-Kickers will host vacations for underprivileged men who are unwelcome elsewhere.
How families can get a free eviction from Fun Land:
- Contact your primary bank and tell the person who answers the phone that your time has come.
- Use the state’s Instant Eviction Requester to set up a payment plan for your grave plot. (Parents can also visit the loo for more info.)
- Check for foam around your lips, using a wall-mounted mirror. Now bang your head against the mirror. If the glass does not crack, repeat this sacrament as often as you like.
- Watch for vacationing people to walk past you at the mall. Note that they are still wearing their swimsuits. Wave your hand, so as to get their attention; then die of a stroke.
How earthlings can gain access to a vacation:
- Step in for a test at the state’s free Murderous Alien Kiosk. You will get your vacation, believe me.
- Order rapid waters to come gushing out of your screen, the next time you turn on your computer.
- Check with your insurance company about ways to get a free rapid visit from one of their house-call thugs.
- Find a bunch of money on the ground.
Questions about annihilation:
- The U.S. Department of Chaos-Void’s Public Hotline is open Monday thru Friday. Operators love to speculate about what nonexistence might mean.
No comments:
Post a Comment