12 August 2022

These New Chalupas are Hot and Sassy

I am invincible. When I swept my basement this afternoon, the dust got into my lungs and poisoned me. It’s my understanding that you have the habit of banging your head when listening to music. I wonder what type of song is in your headphones. I see that you have a “Vote for Me” sign in your yard. 

Brooklyn, Compton, Houston, and Denver all fit under the same roof, and they’re all welcome in my house. I would like to partner with them and go commit robberies of big, private banks. Did you know that Charles Schulz died last year? He created the comic strip Peanuts, which featured the characters Charlie Brown and Snoopy. 

Ah, and that reminds me: Whenever I slam my fist into the drywall of my house, a jagged-edged bubble appears which contains the English word “Pow!” Now would you care to join me in doing the Dinosaur Dance and then letting out a realistic roar? We could quit veganism and become red-meat eaters together, to celebrate nuclear armageddon. It’s going to happen anyway, why not enjoy it? 

Doctor Freud is now fully enlightened, because he stared into the eye of the Cyclops Snake and its fangs squirted him with venom.

When the light is green, then go — that’s what I always say. 

Here, take this trolamine salicylate. Did you see all the add-ons that the Wonder Boy possesses? He’s got a lot. Now, by a show of hands, who among ye multitudes wants to eat raindrops? Stick out your tongue and let them fall. Just make sure it’s clean precipitation — it shouldn’t feel like burning acid. 

Pluto is far away and very icy. Martial arts were spoken into existence on the Second Day of Creation, for the purpose of giving flat hands something to chop about. I don’t mean Sumo Wrestling — those folks require you to physically reposition them inside their circle, which is harder than I expected. 

Denver and I just got back from robbing a big bank — high five, we cleaned em out. Things that can be pumped up include bicycle tires and volume. 

Shall we wire someone a telegraph using Morse code, even tho neither of us knows Morse code? What if our dots and dashes (which we assume are gibberish because we chose them wholly randomly and without care) ended up making sense, and the unintended message that they accidentally conveyed turned out to be the solution to a mysterious murder, like the JFK assassination — wouldn’t that hit the spot!

Before this essay ends, I want to make sure that I use the words “señorita”, “incognito”, “pizza”, and “burrito”. Also the phrases “taco grande” and “poncho nasty”. I had written all these terms down in a note-to-self, but I couldn’t figure out how to work them in yet, and I’m running out of time — I just didn’t want to forget them. 

Now let me climb up on my rooftop to shout the conclusion. Here’s the conclusion: 

They say there’s no “I” in “team”; however, “oui” means “yes” in French, which is “sí” in Spanish; and then “yo” is Spanish for “I”. — Do you detect the pattern?

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