Two Direct Addresses

Direct Address 1

“Here I am again, standing before you and telling you facts. Grass is green; cheese is bleu. (Is this fun or what? You don’t need to answer.) How are you doing? I like your hair. It’s straight and brown. I like when you fix it into a tight bun while wearing your spectacles. Your skin is fair — I like that, too. I wish you had an identical twin. You’re so special and nice. Your eyes are pretty; and your smile is warm and inviting. I want to be your man. If permitted to do so, after a handshake, I would hold you tight.” 

Direct Address 2

“You are so insincere. I see right thru you: all your masculine confidence is feigned — inside, you’re just a scared animal. You told me that you were loving and caring, but you turned out to be mean and rough. You lack compassion; you have no empathy. You’re jealous and always bossing me around: ‘Go fetch me a drink. Now massage my neck or I will punch you. Make me a meal. Are you still alive, woman? Then go get me another soda pop.’ This type of talk leaves me so angry that my head swirls. You never compliment me. You’re never nice to me. — I take that back: you’re nice occasionally, like whenever your favorite sports team wins a game; but the rest of the time you’re mean. You’re also impolite to my mom. And you’re always telling your insane jokes that nobody finds amusing because they hit too close to home. You make me cry in public — remember that time at the gym? You just love being cruel!”

The pair of nurses who have been listening to the above speech with looks of grave concern now deliver their answer in a measured cadence, like a chorus: 

“We only came here tonight because we heard that a feast was taking place. A messenger told us that the hotel’s owner was desirous of celebrating the marriage of his son; yet, for unknown reasons, every last one of the elites on his guest list declined to attend; therefore, the invitation was extended to the general public. We did not mean for our presence to hurt anyone’s feelings.”