Secret Press Release

I go to school six days per week, and I also find time to do weight-lifting and yoga. On the other hand, all these hot dames that I’m dating are constantly in a hurry, yet they never get anything done — this is due to the fact that they are poor planners.

Two things I like: War and pregnancy. War, because you get to fight people; and pregnancy because you get to bring forth new life to fight with.

My mother has no name, and my father is every male under thirty in Peru. My childhood friends nicknamed me “The Phantom of Filler Material” because that phrase is catchy and it simply rolls off the tongue. My favorite way to perform verbal abuse is to tell people that I do not approve of their outfit. When they object to my unsolicited opinion being voiced so persuasively, I blame the act on Erazo: “I have a foul-mouthed identical twin whose name is Erazo,” I explain; “he’s your culprit. I’m just an innocent man who was in the wrong place at the wrong time.” Then I return to slinging mortar.

Now cut to the part where I’m the cop in the car smoking hash. I use one of those homemade cameras, which rests on my dashboard, to snap photos of the Pope kissing Santa Claus under the mistletoe. “This is gonna be a big story,” I remark to myself, while trying to speak using as little breath as possible, so as not to waste dope.

So that’s how I became a whistleblower against the establishment. Now, as protection from agents of espionage that might be sent by the Higher Powers, I must disguise myself in a Brazilian bathing suit whenever I teach my law-school courses.

I think I forgot to tell you that my real name is Ear. — That’s short for Earl. Those who know me deeply, truly and personally will tell you that I like to pet my cat. But listen up — here’s the whole point of this secret press release:

One day, when I was reclining upon the tiled floor of my bathroom, a wet washcloth fell and landed on my face so that it covered my nose and mouth. I began to panic because I thought that I would surely die. But then I set up my own microbrewery in my basement: Now I support myself by bottling a product called “Near Beer” that tastes delectable and which I falsely claim is nutritious.